tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37298604618202937062024-03-05T03:40:02.122-08:00Crazy Chic AnticsAcehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.comBlogger116125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-81920064994041363302015-12-09T21:21:00.001-08:002015-12-09T21:21:31.698-08:00Betrayal I have reached my 1 month anniversary as a case manager! So much has happened in the last month. I have met new people, new clients, new tasks. I am still learning. I am learning about the position and the people. <div>
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I have to keep my guard up because people are shady. I recently read this meme " A listening ear is a running mouth." I have to remember this motto because it tends to get me into trouble. When I believe someone has good intentions and really wants to be my friend I quickly find out that is not the case. I have to be guarded against new people. <div>
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When I am around new people I am very reserved. I like to people watch just to get a vibe of who they really are. You never truly know how someone is until you've known them for at least a year and even then people change. Some people change in good ways and others change in bad way. You may find someone who you thought you truly knew ends up being the most shadiest person you'll ever meet. You may realize you're best friend has betrayed you and you can't look at that person the same ever again. </div>
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Betrayal is one of the hardest feelings to over come. Once you have felt betrayed you build this wall against everyone. You don't know who to trust or who to believe is there for you. You over analyze everything to make sure you don't get hurt in the end. I have had my fair share of betrayal and it was and still is hard to rid myself of that feeling. I am guilty of over analyzing everything because of my past. I have been through some crazy situations. Many of my relationships end because of betrayal. That is one feeling that I will never be able to forgive and forget. </div>
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Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-40308032744601556402015-11-10T05:45:00.000-08:002015-11-10T05:45:42.861-08:00How can everything seem to be coming together and yet feel as though my life is falling apart?I am finally in the position I need to fulfill the requirement needed to qualify for the Federal Probation office.<br />
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I should be happy but I can't help this feeling that something just isn't right. The new position is different and working with different people. Some of the people I just can't get a gage on. Some days I feel like the outsider and others I feel as though I am accepted.<br />
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It could just be the stress of everything else that has blurred my happiness or it could be the damn holidays<br />
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I am beginning to dislike the holidays more and more every year. I am sick of stressing out over what the plans are going to be, what to get the kids, and where to put the damn tree.<br />
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I seemed to have lost faith in believing everything will work out.<br />
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<br />Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-53137428128561428012015-01-01T08:09:00.001-08:002015-01-01T08:09:04.223-08:00Oh you know the New Year New Beginning thingIt has been a while since my last blog. I miss being able to write down my thoughts. So much has happened in the past year. I am closer to finishing my Master's Degree. I am not allowing people to attempt to run my life any longer. I am going back to the person I enjoyed most. The person who followed the motto Everything Happens For A Reason. All the crap that has happened in the pass 6 months with my car had me stressed out of my mind to the point I was in constant argument with my husband over a.....car. Stress is the root of all evil.<br />
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Happy New Year!!!<br />
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As we embark on the New Year beginnings I begin to wonder why do we celebrate New Year and have this need to get completely obliterated by the nights end?<br />
Why do we "make" New Years resolutions only to never stick to that promise of change year after year?<br />
We all know those who say "oh this is my year," "my resolution is going to the gym," "I am going to start eating healthy" just to never follow through. There are those who go to the gym religiously only to find as the New Year approaches the fitness gym is overflowed with these "new comers" which make their gym routines stressful.<br />
I haven't made a New Years resolution in a long time because I know if I make this grand promise to myself only knowing after a month I will have broken my promise to myself. Each year begins and my hope is for my family and friends to be healthy.<br />
This year is no different than the last. Life will have its ups and downs. If you chose to change yourself you can't make an excuse as it must be for New Years.<br />
You want to change you must want to change that day. NO EXCUSES.<br />
One thing I am guilty of is I start on my quest to a new me only to fail 3 week later. I have been successful in eating healthier and getting my fitness on track. I realized why I fail often is because I take on too much, make excuses, and eat excessively. I know what I need to do to get back on track and I am going to do it. Not because its New Years but because I want to be healthy. I want to be fit.<br />
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I want to be Happy. I am going to be Happy. I will be Happy and no one is going to rain on my parade. I am the only one who can change myself for the better. I am the only one who can control my actions. I am a Spartan! Hear me roar!!!<br />
<br />Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-23892678915931230162014-08-20T14:50:00.000-07:002014-08-20T14:50:05.725-07:00Faith in everythingI know when I am stressed out I have lost my Faith<br />
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Things were very stressful for me for the past few months. I started a new job the next day my job at the school ended, and I started a business. My new job is my stepping stone to get to where I want to be so I can have a career and be able to pay for my children's college when the time comes. Things got a little out of hand with school and the new job. I was covering someone else's hours as well as mine and missed an assignment and normally I would stress it and allow it to ruin my day but there was nothing I could do about it as it was over with. All I could do was make up the work.<br />
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We were faced with a decision recently and we tried to jump on it but I don't think Faith wants us to follow through with the decision. It made us depressed because it was what we had been longing for but it wasn't panning out. We know when the time is right everything works in our favors.<br />
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The new business is something I had wanted to do but allowed fear to lead me away from it. I decided a few months ago to make a decision to begin my business. The first month was a little hairy but it all worked out and it is successful at the moment. Then as the next month begins I am getting stressed that it isn't going to pan out.....and you know what I am okay with that because I need to make sure I allow Faith to lead my life and not my life lead faith. Recently a friend of mine posted something to my Facebook wall and it was inspiring and made me realize I had yet again allowed my life to lead faith and that is why I have been stressed.<br />
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<b>Watch this link</b></div>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJD5-R_HPCc" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJD5-R_HPCc</a><br />
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The info to my new business is I am now a fitness motivator......soon to be a certified instructor.....however in the meantime I run free online fitness challenges with an incentive to win.<br />
If interested in learning more sent me a message or follow me on any one of the social medias<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNGWoszKsWjpscAQsBaWv0SYw2NfRQTmt_JQZDPduTT4xbZY4WFwZb_f0-haeG3lhy-iyCV_JOWXVc2l4Z_DBrdPIdRdvazpe25UJOnst2wvyvHkZWIF-sC7o13X8v3pkm_ZvgiGIpwGjC/s1600/10579986_778602475537113_3589826980779145844_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNGWoszKsWjpscAQsBaWv0SYw2NfRQTmt_JQZDPduTT4xbZY4WFwZb_f0-haeG3lhy-iyCV_JOWXVc2l4Z_DBrdPIdRdvazpe25UJOnst2wvyvHkZWIF-sC7o13X8v3pkm_ZvgiGIpwGjC/s1600/10579986_778602475537113_3589826980779145844_n.jpg" height="287" width="400" /></a>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-48124631707492574322014-07-20T20:23:00.000-07:002014-07-20T20:23:02.847-07:00let me know if you've seen my lost mindAs always life is a bit hectic and there are times where I feel like I have lost all control and I am drowning in the chaos.<br />
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Here is an update<br />
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Finished my internship with the Federal Probation<br />
Stated playing softball<br />
Started a new job<br />
Became a Beachbody Coach<br />
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Each time I say I won't take on anymore I add another onto my plate. School is killing me. I haven't been able to do anything, I don't hang out with friends, I hardly have any time with my family, and I have no time for myself. My days off are spent doing homework the entire time.<br />
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This is how bad it is<br />
I forgot my husbands birthday.<br />
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.....well almost.....I was reminded by him 2 days before his birthday. I had planned nothing and bought him nothing.........I know I am a crappy wife lol.<br />
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Hey easy with the comments, I rectified it by having a small bbq with our friends...and Logan finally was able to see his baseball teammates. Logan tried to convince the boys that they want to spend the night and not go home....seriously lol<br />
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Each day I come home and say what have I gotten myself into.......oh I forgot the most important part. I haven't rode my bike for sheer enjoyment in.....shoot...... about 2 months......that's serious stuff hahaha<br />
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What keeps me going is in the end I know all this craziness will all be worth it in the end.<br />
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~Happy Reading~<br />
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Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-45693756019286830062014-04-20T12:09:00.001-07:002014-04-20T12:09:25.342-07:00Everyone has that one type of friendI love all of my friends that are in my life<br />
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One particular person in my life has been there for me for the past 6 years<br />
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I would call on her and talk to her about any argument I have with the hubby<br />
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And would you know she has never and I mean never taken my side on the arguments<br />
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She always tells me I am in the wrong and why I am in the wrong<br />
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And once I look back on the argument I find I am in the wrong 95% of the time<br />
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Our relationship is sort of funny because the way we connected was because I ruined and I mean ruined my hair and when I walked into work she demand I came to her house because she needed to fix it<br />
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It took over a year to fix the mess I called hair<br />
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Most people go to their hair stylist and tell them what they want and the stylist does as the client wants......not mine......mine tells me flat out no and does something else that I love more than my ideas<br />
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There have been times where I have convinced her to chop my hair and as soon as it happens no sooner do I leave I inform her to never....never...let me do that again<br />
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She protects my hair from myself<br />
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Happy Birthday to my therapist, financial advisor, hair stylist, relationship counselor, and one very very dear friend of mineAcehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-17300508913431935982014-04-11T10:19:00.001-07:002014-04-11T10:19:40.286-07:00A little bit of change each day is okayLife is full of obstacles and either you can choose to hurdle or you can stand there<br />
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I choose to hurdle as much as I need to get to where I want to be and once I am there I will continue to make new goals<br />
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There are many times when I just feel like stopping and not wanting to do any more hurdles because I feel like I have done enough however after reading this book called the <a href="http://slightedge.org/" target="_blank">Sight Edge</a> I am learning I will never stop jumping the hoops because I will never be satisfied until I have completed my goals<br />
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I thought that once I would get to my career I would be done but then I realized I have life goals and I know each goal I make there will be challenges<br />
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I always thought I wasn't never the competitive type yet in reality the competition is myself and life<br />
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I know I am not at my goal weight and I know my poor diet choices are getting in the way however I have learned.....again thanks to the <a href="http://slightedge.org/" target="_blank">Slight Edge</a>.......it is okay for those slip ups I just need to work twice as hard and not beat myself up<br />
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Lately I have been getting frustrated because I am writing more papers than I ever have in my undergrad but I can't continue to bitch about it I have to accept the challenge and push through while maintaining my goals<br />
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I am learning that I can't continue to allow others to defeat our purpose or bog us down with their problems anymore<br />
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Jeremiah and I can't continue to take everyone else's problems and try to fix it for them....<br />
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Our problems have never been just fixed by other people because when we are in trouble we fix the issue ourselves and sorry to say but other people need to grow up and accept their life challenge and handle it on their own without the help from us<br />
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Yes I have screwed up many times in my life and I have owned up to it<br />
I am not perfect......far from it<br />
I screw up my finances from time to time and yes Jeremiah has to bail me out however we are husband and wife and when we have money troubles we handle them we don't go running to someone else to bail us out<br />
I know recently I have taken on more than I can chew but in the end I know it will work itself out<br />
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For the past week I have had a sinus thing going on which kept me from working out daily and at first I was beating myself up for it and thought if I just pushed through the infection I would be alright however one day when I tried I became lightheaded and felt so weak and that was when I realized I can't just push through there are just some illnesses that require rest and I have learned from the <a href="http://slightedge.org/" target="_blank">Slight Edge</a> it is okay to accept change<br />
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At the end of the day I can lay down knowing I have done everything in my power for the dayAcehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-88141319154249566602014-03-16T18:30:00.000-07:002014-03-16T18:31:29.744-07:00Fed up I can only take being pushed away for so long. I know people deal with things differently than others however being avoided can only be taken for so long. I know when I am down I don't ignore my friends who reach out to see if I am okay.<br />
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I don't get how people can have a life changing event happen in their life and tell me long after the fact and then wonder why I get pissed off.<br />
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I'm sick of feeling guilty when I can't see family, yet no one goes out of their way to come see me. I've lived in CT for 12 years and very few family members came to our wedding let alone come visit but they have no problem driving past to go to neighboring states.<br />
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I hate not having family around when I need them, I hate being the last person to be informed of things or having to find out things through Facebook, I hate that the only way I talk to them is if I take the initiative to contact them. Fuck I have a busy life and yet I have no problem when someone messages me I message back.<br />
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It is getting to the point where I don't want to try anymore. It is evident that if I don't try then there is no communication. Why do I always have to feel guilty when I say I am fed up and I am not going to waste my time when they won't take the time to go out of their way to contact me?<br />
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I haven't spoken to my mother in 3 years. No by my doing. I have tried to reach out and connect with her but she refuses to speak to me. Yet I still feel a certain way when it isn't my doing. How can a mother refuse to speak to her children? The answer is always it is the children's fault because they have done this or that to her, yet never what has been done. The reason we aren't talking is over something so freaking stupid, and yet I can't share anything that has happened in the past 3 years with the person who raised me. Graduating, getting married, kids<br />
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I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-52563562169579568952014-03-14T17:48:00.000-07:002014-03-14T17:50:00.618-07:00Stand up and fight against bullyingI was requested to write a blog about my recent tattoo.<br />
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Everyone knows I love my tattoos and I am very proud of the ones I have regardless that some are messed up, it's the price you pay, one day the artist is on their game and the next they aren't. The one thing that always happen to me when getting ready to be tattooed is my anxiety skyrockets through the roof. I have yet to determine if it is anxiety or excitement. Both seem to be the same lol.<br />
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So this tattoo that I got was the <span style="color: magenta;">My Little Pony</span> in support of Michael Morones. Michael is an 11 year old boy who was bullied over brining in a My Little Pony to school. After being bullied he tried to commit suicide but was found and is now in recovery. I found out about this fundraiser through my friend. What better way to fund raise? I donate money and get a tattoo of my choice of a My Little Pony.<br />
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I have never jumped on the hottest tattoo of the week bandwagon but this I had to jump on. It is for a good cause and of coarse I couldn't pass up this opportunity to pay it forward. Honestly I would feel guilty for not joining in on the cause, to me that would be Karma for not attempting.<br />
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This cause and any other type of cause against bullying hits very close to home for me. I was (what was called in my day being picked on) teased for having hairy arms when I was in 6th grade which resulted in me shaving my arms daily (even to this day), I would get teased for always wearing jeans and t-shirts to school (this was something I couldn't change because I wasn't comfortable in dresses or getting dressed up), I was teased for always wearing my hair down but not done up (so I just always put in a pony-tail, which is the way my hair usually is during the summer). My nephew is gay and was tormented in school until he stuck up for himself but one of his friends wasn't so luck. I have known a few people who took their life because of their sexuality.<br />
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I am a type of person who is accepting of everyone regardless if they're orange, black, purple, or green, whether they like men or women, and whether they are rich or poor. I have experienced all walks of life and I have heard many stories of other's troubles. I didn't come from a wealthily family, I wasn't given a car, I wasn't supported in anything growing up, when I hit high school it went all down hill for me. I thought I was the shit and would purposely get myself into situations that I had no business in. I had seen people getting picked on and I would stick up for them, when my friends had problems with another person I would make it my business, and when things were done against me I didn't care if you were a male of female I stuck up for myself. Not everyone can be like that. Everyday people are put in situations and they don't know how to handle it. If a kid is being bullied what should they do? Everyone's answer is tell someone except it isn't that simple. Now here is where you will argue oh yes it is, tell the parents, tell the principle, tell someone will stop it. No, no it doesn't and no it won't. In many cases it only makes it worse. There are so many stories where the 8,9,14,16 year olds tell and all it does is add more fuel to the fire and cause more people to get involved in the torment. Many people are far too ignorant to see what is happening. Social media helps the culprits succeed in their torment. The schools not implementing a ZERO BULLYING TOLERANCE RULE to nip it in the butt without causing more harm.<br />
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If you have a child who has experienced being bullied you know what I am talking about. The child comes to you, you go to the school, the school brings in your child and questions them, the school bring in the bully and tells them that such and such told on you, the bully gets a warning, and the bully may let it cool for a little while yet meanwhile are plotting their next revenge, the bully gets others to join in, they go on social media to continue the torment, and when your child can't take it anymore they start saying they don't want to go to school and they spiral down into depression, all their friends distance themselves so they aren't a target, next thing you know your child is left alone with no support telling the parents you don't understand, and in the end they take their life. Your's may not go to that level but there are more and more and getting younger and younger who feel this is their last resort.<br />
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My daughter at one point was one of those kids who was bullied. She is a smart loving young girl who believes everyone is her friend and wants to be everyone's friend. Well that turned on her quick and she was being humiliated in front of her peers and her supposed friends were in on it. It was minor things but this is a young girl who is very emotional and it is easy to hurt her feelings. As a mother I was pissed, I called the school and spoke with the principle and let them know how unhappy I was that this was going on. In the end nothing was done but nothing more was done to her. However most kids are not as lucky and I know we will be in this position again in the future. No matter how many times I tell her to stick up for herself she has just begun letting her friends know how she is feeling when they do something to her. We discuss it most of the time before she goes off. We discuss the situation and ask her if what she felt was what she felt or is she just mad about something else. For instance she told a friend that she wasn't their friend anymore, no real reason except she was sick of them lying all the time about stupid things, she took it upon herself to handle it but when we found out how she went about doing it we told her she was in the wrong and she needed to apologize.<br />
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Logan found himself in a situation where he was called gay and told the kid to fuck off. You bet I got a call from the principle about it. I knew Logan was having problems on the bus with this kid but it wasn't an every day thing. I informed the principle of what had been going on and he pulled both kids in the office and told them if they continued they would be reprimanded and that was the end of it for the rest of the year. Again not everyone is lucking with it ending.<br />
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Michael Morones was an unfortunate victim to bullying over <span style="color: magenta;">My Little Pony</span>. At the age of 11 he tried to take his own life and has ended up with brain damage and in the hospital. Again not many kids are fortunate enough to be found before it was too late. In tribute to the fight against bullying I joined the fight and got my Pony. <span style="color: red;">#standupandfightagainstbullying</span><br />
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<a href="http://www.michaelmorones.org/" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">http://www.michaelmorones.org</span></a><br />
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<a href="https://www.facebook.com/TeamMichaelMorones" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">https://www.facebook.com/TeamMichaelMorones</span></a>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-38354421801193237772014-03-04T08:44:00.000-08:002014-03-04T09:43:03.094-08:00Do you have Faith?I was recently asked if I believe in God<br />
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This is something I battle with often. My mother would try to shove religion down my throat for as long as I can remember which in turn shoved me away from religion. She would force me to go to mass and even would force me to watch mass on television. I hated it. I am an adhd kid who can not sit still and listen to someone talk for hours on end.<br />
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I don't know if I believe or don't believe in God. I don't go to church nor do I pray. I don't know if I believe in one person who created everything in a short period of time. I believe in evolution.<br />
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I am a very strong believer in Faith and Karma. I am more Buddhist than I believe in any other religion. I find when I have Faith and believe in Faith everything works out. I believe Everything Happens For A Reason and I can't control the outcomes. With that said I still stress over things that are out of my control.<br />
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When I feel the need to seek guidance I look to my Aunt and Cousins when I am in need because they were a physical form that I believe in. When I am in need of guidance I ask for help and odd as it may sound after I have asked for guidance the problem usually works out. Do I believe it is a coincidence? Maybe but it doesn't matter.<br />
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I have Karma and Faith tattooed on my forefingers to remind me when I am lost to not forget. I tend to forget sometimes. When I am lost and can't seem to find my way back I need a reminder that things will happen the way they are suppose to happen when it is suppose to happen.<br />
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Even thought I don't believe in any other religion I still partake in Lent, I like participating in Lent because it helps me to stay focused on things and change my way of thinking. I do wish sometimes it would happen more than just once a year. I know very contradicting but however it is what I believe in and I wouldn't tell anyone else what they believe in is wrong.<br />
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I believe in many things that religions deem against their religion. What type of religion should tell what every person should believe in and if they don't they are damned to hell? That is the problem in today's society. People want to believe and do things the way they want and society doesn't want that. Society and Religion want you to behave how they want you to, to keep you in check without making a ripple, and when you do make a ripple you are looked down on, disowned, and made a fool of. I don't believe in that, I believe everyone should believe in whatever they choose and do whatever they choose without fear of becoming an outcast.<br />
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My most recent problem is I need to focus on me and not everyone else. I put too much time into disapproving of other's life choices and take on the burden of watching it fall apart. I can't judge other peoples life choices because I don't approve of the way they are doing things. That isn't very Buddhist of me, I know. That is why I need to focus more on me and not other peoples lives. One thing Jeremiah and I realized is we both share the sense of strong friendships. Everyone of our friends can say that no matter what we are always there for them, whether it be for the need of just someones presence, emotional need, or a financial help. We will do whatever to help someone else out and we know the friends we have will do and have done the same for us regardless the distance between us.<br />
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I hit a very rough spot last week and my fiends were there for me emotionally and just for presence alone helped me through my struggle. One thing I live about several of my friends is when I am 100% in the wrong they have no fear in telling me. I have one who tells me to stop being a Diva. I have another who will have me come over for chili or just for a glass of wine. I have friends who make sure when I am down will take me out to eat just to get my mind off things. I have the friends who support me in every decision I make. Then I have the friend who want to always take me out for a congratulatory drink on my success. I <3 my friends, I would be lost without them! :) <3 <3<br />
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~Happy Reading~<br />
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<br />Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-276304293852903472014-02-26T18:30:00.001-08:002014-02-26T18:30:26.692-08:00Life is just crazyThings are just nuts and I am not sure how much more I can take.....I hate to dwell on all the nonsense however this is my only outlet. <div>
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With school, kids, work, internship, life, family, car, and everything else there are times where I just don't want to continue this uphill battle any more. I am sick of always trying to get to where I want to be and still not succeeding. I don't have regrets but man do I wish I would of been smart enough to go through college and get a career earlier than this. I am just sick of feeling I am treading water and still not getting anywhere. I know eventually I will get there but I had a plan...the first time I have ever had a plan......and my plans have still fallen apart. </div>
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My little sister was in a rough spot and there wasn't a damn thing I could do to help. I felt like a piece of crap because I couldn't help. I hate being in that position. I would give my last penny to anyone who needed it even if I needed it more. I hate watching others fall apart and there isn't a thing I could do to fix it or stop her pain. I hated it. Every day I would message her and her responses were had the feeling of depression. Every day waking up dreading the worst text or phone call imagined. </div>
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I know there are people out there who's problems are worse than mine but for me and many others there is only so much one person can take. Not everyone has the support from friends or family needed to get through the tough times. I am grateful for every person in my life. Even today I had people messaging me letting me know if I need anything to message them while Jeremiah is away. </div>
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I am grateful for this break with Jeremiah. With him laid off and me stressed out it causes problems. We argue more now than when he is working. One thing we never argue about is money because that is one thing that causes more problems. The main thing we argue about is how we parent the kids. That is something we are working on because I yell a lot and he is trying to help me with that. He has been getting the kids up for school, making me breakfast and lunch so I am not late for work, he helps the kids with homework, and has the kids go to him for any needs instead of coming to me when I am trying to get my homework done. </div>
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The hardest thing right now is this stupid weather. I need sunshine and warmth at least then I will be able to go for a hike to clear my head. I love to be in the woods with the trees...as long as there are no ticks lol</div>
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~Happy Reading~</div>
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Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-80422985034945232002014-02-19T17:54:00.001-08:002014-02-19T17:54:28.043-08:00my mind is running in circlesThere comes a point when I just want to throw in the towel<br />
I am so negative, everything just seems to set me off<br />
I don't want to be bothered by anyone or anything<br />
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There comes a point when I just want to run away<br />
I get so tired of trying to get what I want<br />
I don't want to continue the fight anymore<br />
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There comes a point when I wish all the drama would just disappear<br />
I can't handle everything anymore<br />
I don't want to continue to figure out how to make things work<br />
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There comes a point when I have to let go<br />
I am sick of trying to make everyone else happy<br />
I don't want to try anymore<br />
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There comes a point when I have to say enough is enough<br />
I can't continue to walk the same path with no changes<br />
I don't want to continue to feel guilty for things I can not change<br />
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When does it end?<br />
<br />Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-67990189167448871202014-02-04T05:53:00.001-08:002014-02-04T07:02:20.743-08:00My crazy lifeI have been spending more time on homework than I have ever before.<br />
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I spent my entire weekend doing homework, including on Super Bowl Sunday. I don't like feeling like I have homework hanging over my head.<br />
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I have been stressed out to the max over homework. I spent the weekend writing a paper, since Monday was a snow day I was determined to plow through my last 6 pages to get that paper out of the way. All I have left is to proof read my paper.....or I can have the hubby read it for me.<br />
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Speaking of my favorite hubby he makes me breakfast for me every morning and if I am running late he will make my lunch. He still can't make dinner to save his life lol but at least he tries. He knows that when I am stressed out over school he will do everything in his power to alleviate the stress that I am under. If kids need to be picked up from school, Lexi needs to be taken to dance, or help with homework, Jeremiah is there to assist. <br />
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The one thing that I love about our relationship is that he is there for me when I am stressed out because of homework. There are time where we argue because I am stressed out but the best thing about our relationship is how we get over the argument. We are able to get past our argument quickly after the issue. One thing we don't argue about is money, however one thing that we always argue about is politics. I don't like arguing about politics because everyone has their opinion on the matter and no matter what you say they will uphold that opinion. So when the news is on and he starts yelling at the television I change the channel to VH1, since everyone loves music it makes the morning run smoothly and is calmer.<br />
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I freaking love Jeremiah. He completes me. Without him I would be lost, he is my soul mate and I am glad to have him in mine and the kids life.<br />
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7 years of love & almost 6 months of marriage<br />
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4-Ever & Always<br />
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<br />Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-33391023888969656582014-01-17T07:27:00.002-08:002014-01-17T07:27:41.220-08:00feeling like I was drowning in homeworkIt is only the second week!!<br />
There should be any reason for this feeling it is usually in month 3 where I feel like this. Masters is much different than my undergrad. My masters is full of papers! What the heck is up with that.<br />
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I had to message my friend Kristin to ask her for advice on how she managed doing her masters, working, and trying to get her homework done on time. Her advice was time management, late nights, and just sucking it up and plow through it. Then my friend Julie asked how I was doing and she was given the same response and her advice was just as positive as Kristin's saying that I just need to realize that I will make it though and it will only be crazy like this for only a few weeks and I will be fine.<br />
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Thank goodness for my husband because without him our household would fall apart. It hasn't been cleaned in over a week but I can't stress about something like that when I can also have the kids help with that problem. The kids have been more accepting about going to Jeremiah for anything that they need. However with that said the only thing he needs to work on is cooking. His cooking stinks but maybe with some practice he will make it through. The kids can start helping him with that too.<br />
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My biggest problem is I like to have all of my homework done before Wednesday each week that way I can finish the discussions and start on the followings weeks homework or any research paper that is due. So on Tuesday when I spent about 2 hours on the introduction I was getting frustrated. The biggest issue was that I found out a position opened up with the Federal Probation office that I am interning for. I was so excited since I would finish my internship and hopefully get into a real position. There was a funny requirement that I wasn't sure how I could obtain, so yesterday at my swearing in ceremony I asked and found out that I have to intern for quite some time to gain the experience needed. Well that put a damper in my mood but at the same time it is for the best because I don't think I am ready for all of that. I want to be done with school when I start my career and if I have to wait another year then so be it as I will be finishing up my Masters.<br />
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This weekend is going to be full of starting my research paper and starting the reading for next week since I will have about 6 chapters to read. The great thing about my kids dads is that they are in their lives. I couldn't imagine what it would be like if their dads weren't. With the kids going to their fathers it helps me to get everything done with homework and have the "me" time that I need also.<br />
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I am beyond grateful for everyone who is cheering me on to get through this. I am grateful for my kids who understand that I have to get homework done. I am mostly grateful for my husband who is understanding to my needs and understanding of my mood swings that cause me to go crazy for a bit of time.<br />
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~Happy reading~<br />
<br />Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-259813798529106222014-01-10T14:03:00.002-08:002014-01-10T14:03:44.952-08:00School has officially begunUgh there is a love hate relationship with school. I love being in school, learning, reading, and getting into discussions with others about criminal justice topics. On the flip side I hate the pressure of school. I don't like feeling like I am behind, that I haven't done everything correct, and research papers. I despise research papers that have a requirement to it. For instance I started at SNHU and the research requirement is to pick a topic around justice studies that impacts contemporary society. Huh?<br />
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The first topic I thought about was the Criminal Justice system but that is far to broad thankfully someone had posted about doing their paper about the 4th Amendment and I thought about doing mine on the 2nd Amendment but I don't want to give Adam Lanza any credit in my paper (piece of crap person) so I looked at further assignments and noticed that we will have a discussion on Legalizing Marijuana so I decided that was going to be my paper. This paper will be much different from any other paper I have written because it has to stick to federal/state statues, regulations, constitution requirements, and etc. Last year at Post University I wrote the most interesting paper about Asian Organized Crime. I got a 96 on that paper.<br />
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The best thing so far from what I have seen in the syllabus is there is no QUIZZES!!! Just a whole bunch of papers :( since its my grad degree I have to write longer papers. My first week I had short papers that were due, one thing I dislike about writing a paper is the introduction. I spend more time on the introduction than any other part of my paper. One thing I have learned is I need to do the cartwheel method to setting up my papers so that I am not grasping at things to write. I was ahead of the first week, I had all my reading done, discussions, and papers finished before class officially started. I wanted to do the same for next week which I will start my reading tomorrow.<br />
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One thing that I am anxious and excited for is to begin the internship. I get sworn in next week and I am anxious because I don't know what to expect. I already have the internship but this is something I have never done so I don't know what to expect. I just want to start the internship to get rid of my nerves.<br />
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This year is starting off to a great start despite others trying to continue their bs (as always). I just don't understand why people feel the need to continue to start crap whenever they feel like it. All I ever want is to live a peaceful life and not be bothered by other peoples crap. Another thing is I am so sick and tired of hearing people bitch day in and day out. They act like they know everything about about everything and no matter what you say they believe your wrong. Just because my thoughts and ideas are different doesn't mean that I am wrong and they are right, it just means my views differ from theirs. Honestly most think I am confrontational but really I'd rather not get into any drama unless they are doing something wrong to me or my family or friends, or I am just sick of hearing them and I will say something and put people in their place because I just can't listen to them anymore, and if that means I have no friends then so be it. So there is my rant for the day lol.<br />
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~Happy reading~Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-90278475563879856672014-01-02T05:40:00.002-08:002014-01-02T05:44:29.618-08:00Saying Goodbye to 2013 and Hello to 20142013 was filed with joy, happiness, anger, and sadness. There were times I didn't know if I was coming or going. One thing I can say it was a year that will be unforgettable. It was the year of many first.<br />
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2013 started with school........ at Post University.<br />
2013 started with wedding planning<br />
2013 started with dress shopping and finding my dress<br />
2013 was the year I graduated with my Bachelors degree<br />
2013 was the year that I met my dad for the first time<br />
2013 was the year that I got married (my first) to my best friend<br />
2013 we had Thanksgiving at the grandparents for the first time<br />
2013 we celebrated Christmas with the Brady's/Vold's for the first time<br />
2013 was the year I was accepted into the Federal Probation internship<br />
2013 was the year I signed up to begin my Masters degree<br />
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Now I begin 2014 with school at Southern New Hampshire University<br />
2014 will start with an internship at the Federal Probation Office<br />
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I hope 2014 will be just as fantastic as 2013!!!!!!!!<br />
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<br />Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-4227365071334480532013-12-25T17:40:00.001-08:002013-12-25T18:02:36.835-08:00Best Holiday Season EverThis was the best holiday season that we have ever had!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
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I have been in the Christmas Spirit since the beginning of December. Which is extremely unusual. I usually dread the holidays because that means I have to go shopping with all these crazy people. I have tried the save through out the year and then things come up and I have to use that money. This year was different and I am not sure why I set up everything. Tomorrow will be spent taking everything down.<br />
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For Thanksgiving we went to the grandmothers and it was great to be around family. Christmas Eve we went to our annual Christmas eve party at our friends house to do the present swap and both kids participated in and they both got great gifts. Its great hanging out with our friends especially during the holiday. The Veneziano/Fotiathis always invite us to their gatherings regardless if it is a family gathering or a friends gathering. Today for Christmas we went to the Brady's because this was the first Christmas that we didn't plan to go anywhere or do anything, they graciously invited us to join them. At first we were a little unsure since we didn't know if we were going to the grandmothers again but didn't hear anything so we took them on their offer.<br />
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They had all the fixings and it was delicious. I tried 2 new treats that I have never had, tried my second wine that I actually like, and got to hear and throw out some dirty talk. I enjoy hanging with the Brady/Vold's because they always treat us more than just friends. They made sure we had everything for the wedding, took care of all the food, and just helped to make it a special day. Love my borrowed family!!!<br />
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It was different to go to our borrowed families house instead of having it at our families house or going to my families house. It was such a great time to hang out with friends and hear them reminisce about their old school days. It reminded me of being home with my family in NY listening to them talk about their old days, or listening to my younger siblings talk about their childhood. This is the first time that I wasn't homesick for the holidays. It seems odd sometimes to me that I still get homesick when as of January 19th I will have lived in CT for 12 years. I think having my friends surround me helps with that. I hope that everyone of my friends and family had a great Christmas<br />
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One thing for sure is some how I need to find time to make it back home to NNY, to PA, and to VA. I just need to figure out how I plan on doing that while working, going to school, doing the internship, finding time for my family, finding time to hang with friends, and for Jeremiah.<br />
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<br />Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-22501440858491673632013-12-19T07:26:00.000-08:002013-12-19T07:27:53.972-08:00There comes a point in time when I have to let go It is hard coming to a realization that family members are becoming more of a stranger to me. There are times where I blame myself because I moved away almost 12 years ago but then I realize I can't blame myself since with todays technology it is extremely convent to keep in touch but as of late it seems that is just to much for people. Yet when I am around they seem to always have their phone in their hands but are too busy to answer me? I understand peoples lives are busy but you can always respond just to let me know that you got my message.<br />
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I can't force people to make me apart of their lives. I can't force people to tell me their life changing situations. I can't force people to let me know that they changed their phone number or have moved. I can't force people to not lie to me about whether they got my save the dates or wedding invitations. I can't make people answer my text when I message. I can change how it makes me feel. I can change my reaction to their surprise when I tell them how I feel. I can't make people make me apart of their lives. I will not just roll with the punches and allow this non-communication anymore.<br />
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It seems those who I was born and raised with are more of a stranger to me than my two younger siblings who I was kept from knowing for 28 years of my life. Is it so strange that my younger brother called me first to tell me that him and his gf were expecting before he told our younger sister and our father. It took me by surprise and it was heart warming to know that they thought to inform me first.<br />
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My little sister always informs me of the good and the bad of her relationship. She has called and asked me for advice. We are able to relate to one another than anyone else. The one thing that I love about her is she can take whatever I dish out at her and she can dish it right back. Every time we are together it is a great time. When I first met both my younger siblings they accepted me regardless of the outcome of the DNA test. My little sister didn't care what the results were she believed that we would be sisters no matter what. I think she secretly wanted a sister anyways lol. I however felt much different, if it came out that we weren't siblings how could I pretend that we were? She wouldn't listen and when the results came in all she said was "See told you so." When she met the kids for the first time all she did was hug them and tell them how much she loved them, they thought she was crazy haha. When our brother Stu walked in it seemed that he was a magnet and the kids were drawn to him. He was the cool Uncle who the kids can attack on a whim and he just laughs at them. The day after the wedding all 4 of them jumped on him and he just stood up with them hanging off him. He is the real Hulk lol.<br />
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No matter the distance between if I need them they are always there for me and I them. I had the best time with them when they came for the wedding. All of my CT family loved them including my dad. Jeremiah really enjoyed hanging out with the boys and listening to my dad tell him some of his life stories. I do hate that we live so far apart but making the effort to go visit them as often as I can makes the distance enjoyable.<br />
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<br />Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-70427390232935156772013-12-10T06:34:00.000-08:002013-12-10T06:35:40.841-08:00I have been working my butt off.....literallySo I went from Insanity which was extremely Intense to Focus T25.<br>
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I got the new workout think that Shaun T has nothing on me...I did 4 rounds of Insanity...each workout 45-60 minutes to Focus which is 25 minute workout....I mean come on how hard could this be.....well I was shown that it is just as difficult as Insanity.<br>
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Insanity was intense and some times I would burn out and not have correct form, there were times where I just didn't want to workout, and then there were times that I honestly didn't have the time to workout. See that workout would turn into a 1 1/2 workout because it was about an hour for each session then I would shower after so that ate up a lot of time. With Focus I am able to workout in 25 minutes then shower so I am now looking at about a 50 timeline.<br>
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I was working out right after work but now that I am going to be starting school + work + internship it all = to very little time to workout right after work. Originally I was going to workout right before work but most of the time I couldn't get out of bed or I wasn't getting sleep because of the dogs getting up all hours of the night. I realized I have no choice but to get up first thing in the am to workout so I have no excuse to not workout.<br>
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One thing that I have noticed is it is much harder to get up than I thought lol but also my body doesn't want to corporate. It is more of a challenge to workout first thing than in the afternoon. My muscles aren't use to being used like that so early in the am. I find I am working twice as hard to get the moves right because the muscles are so tight.<br>
<br>
Even though I am working out every day (which I don't make excuses for anymore) I am not always eating clean. There are some days where I will have french fries at work or mozzarella sticks but I am not badgering myself anymore (thanks to my coach). She has taught me that if I eat clean 80% of the month then those days that I end up cheating I don't have to feel guilty anymore. I am worried however that I am going to stress eat once I start school and the internship because that is one of my flaws. I just have to take it one day at a time.<div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJRbgZrkqO3CWfORqBiIGvcNpfU1jbyB1-P-r98zeHJJOabt2ELpyyyir8FEzn-yUZryuz4PXOegp8mcDRon51HAs4us_sPy6WvqCsyID_txohrWwQaLfdRyFn37lhiM3yGurQZQRYAKEz/s640/blogger-image--1448806679.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJRbgZrkqO3CWfORqBiIGvcNpfU1jbyB1-P-r98zeHJJOabt2ELpyyyir8FEzn-yUZryuz4PXOegp8mcDRon51HAs4us_sPy6WvqCsyID_txohrWwQaLfdRyFn37lhiM3yGurQZQRYAKEz/s640/blogger-image--1448806679.jpg"></a></div><br></div>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-17537667375872489432013-12-05T10:13:00.003-08:002013-12-05T10:13:29.257-08:00Good things come to those who wait<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Holy
smokes Batman........I got the <span style="color: #6b006d;">Federal Probation
Internship</span>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">After
all this waiting......after all the stressing........I finally am getting
closer to what I have been striving towards for so long. Its going to be a
little crazy for a bit since I will still work full time, go to school full
time, now the internship, plus still try to make time for the family. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">I
have been trying to keep faith while I wait for the answer. If I didn't get
this I was going to be devastated. There are 3 people who I look to for
guidance and they are my Aunt Ditto, cousin Jason, and cousin Shane. They are
not with us today but their spirit is still with us. My Aunt and I weren't
close to the point that we talked all the time or say each other all the time
but just before she was taken I had gone home to visit and was at my grammys
when she called and we talked for an hour. She asked me about my kids and my
life, told me how proud of me she was for the accomplishments I had made, and
we had made plans to get together. However that would never happen because soon
after she was taken from us. I still look to them for faith and guidance,
especially when I feel like I am loosing myself. On my way to the internship
interview a few weeks ago I asked for their guidance, asked them to help me
calm down, asked them to help get this because I didn't have a plan if I
didn't. I guess they heard me and believed in me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">I
don't necessarily believe in God completely but I believe in Karma and Faith. I
believe if I keep Faith everything happens for a reason and if I have Karma I
believe that I need to do things right or else Karma will come back to me.
Jeremiah was the one who got me believing and thinking like this. We have been
living by this for quite some time and things seem to always work themselves
out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">I
am excited to embark on this new journey and conquer it!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">~Happy
Reading~</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-79137289586323854272013-12-03T18:48:00.001-08:002013-12-03T18:48:15.187-08:00Christmas spiritNormally I don't set up the tree until 5 days before Christmas and then take it down Christmas morning after the kids leave to their dads for the holidays. I don't like having the tree up because it clutters the living room. However we decided to set up all the decorations and the tree! I even started Christmas shopping well only for one kid because Logan has decided that he doesn't want any presents at our house but wants the money. This kid loves to hold on to his money, he has no interest of spending his money unless it is to buy football cards once a month and only one pack which cost him about $5. He gets allowance, birthday money, and his Christmas money.....Love that this kid can save his money, I am thinking that we should open him a savings account. Now if I could only get Lexi to do the same it would be perfect. She can't hold money at all, it is as if it burns a hole in her pocket, and when she does spend her money it is on silly things. When I was a kid my mom would give me money and then send me to the store to spend it. To this day each time that I start to save money something comes up, car needs to be fixed, kids field trips, always something.<br />
<br />
So now I will need to plan out my Christmas vacation time.<br />
<br />
<br />
~Happy reading~Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-45643562489442396592013-11-29T16:49:00.002-08:002013-11-29T16:49:33.867-08:00The day of gluttonyWe had such an amazing time his grandmothers house. This is the second time that we have gone there for a holiday. We had so many laughs, the food was amazing, and it was just an all around good time. Can't wait until next year when we have the kids.<br />
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I have been doing well with my workout (always in the beginning). I have been doing Focus T25 and it is awesome. It isn't as intense as Insanity and it is only 25 minutes 5 days a week and I am seeing the results already. My thighs, stomach, and my hips are all shrinking. My body always responds well in the beginning of working out but by week 5 I start to fail because I fall of the diet wagon. However my coach said something that has made me feel better, she said to follow a 80/20 rule. If I eat clean 80% of the month then those days that I start to gorge I don't have to feel bad. It is usually around my cycle is when I start to fall apart.<br />
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The only issue that I am having is sticking to getting up at 5:15am to workout instead of waiting until I get out of work which majority of the time I ran into issues because the kids would have something or I would have something that would prohibit me from staying on track. Lately though I haven't been able to get up because we are waking up all hours of the night due to Jeremiah's back, the dogs, the cats, even my son who will have an occasional nightmare. I love that these workouts are just 25 minutes a day though. I was skeptical about it at first that there was no way that I would get the safe effect as the hour workouts but man let me tell you these workout get you the same results as an hour long workout. I just need to stay on track.<br />
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~Happy reading~<br />
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<br />Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-82305822614207551562013-11-23T18:44:00.001-08:002013-11-24T06:34:52.418-08:00A memory that still haunts me to this very dayToday was a rough day for Jeremiah and myself. His grandfather is in the hospital in the ICU after his surgery didn't go too well. Jeremiah forewarned me what to expect walking in and I knew what to expect as I have been through this almost 20 years ago.<br />
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See I hate hospitals and I have a very good reason for it. I have been in the hospital several times in my childhood. When I was 4 I was pushed through a glass door and had to have several stitches, then when I was 9 I kicked glass and needed stitches in the ball of my foot which resulted in me kicked the nurses. But the real reason why I truly hate hospitals and why I am haunted by my memories is because of my mother.<br />
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When I was 15 I was playing outside next to our apartment and I see an ambulance rush down our dead end road turn around in the parking lot and speed off again. I found this rather peculiar since I have never witnessed ambulance and police cars come down our road. I decided to go and tell my mom about this. Now my mom was having some issues at the time but never shared them with me but we had moved her bed downstairs and to this day I never knew why she did that. I walk in calling my mom because I don't see here and I get to the stairs and she's standing at the top telling me she's having a heart attack and the 911 operator was on the phone. I run up the stairs and pick up the phone but no one is there, hang it up and run down to the other phone, again no one is there, by this point I am panicking because I have no idea what to do. I hear someone pounding on the door, I open it and these people come rushing in carrying all sorts of things, talking quickly, calling out orders that I can't comprehend, I am in shock.<br />
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My mother is laying on her completely white bed and the EMT sticks her in the arm with a needle. Blood squirts out and up into the air just like you see in the movies and now I am falling apart. I am helpless, no one acknowledges me, I don't know what to do. A gurney comes rushed by me, they put her on it and rush her out, I am still standing there clueless as they start cleaning up the medical equipment. Now someone comes to me and asks if I can call someone or need to go somewhere, I know I need to call my grandmother as she lived down the road.<br />
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I call her in a frantic not knowing how to explain or what I need to tell her. She tells me to run to her home as we need to go to the hospital.<br />
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I'm in a daze.<br />
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My grandmother drives us in her big yellow boat of a car to the hospital where we are meet by my sister and family. We take the whole visiting room. People calling family members, people crying, people praying, and I am just sitting there not knowing what is going to happen or what I need to do next. More importantly what is going to happen if she goes? What am I going to do? Fatherless and possibly motherless.<br />
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Minutes pass by......Hours pass by........finally we are allowed to go in. It is only my sister, grandmother, and myself. I don't know what to expect. No one prepped me for what I was about to see. <br />
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Words can not explain the way I felt when I walked into ICU...........there is my mother, my only parent for 15 years, the only person that I was to depend on.......hooked up to tubes...in her arms..... down her throat. Noises is all I hear...beeping....air pumping.....now my grandmother crying. My sister consoling her...and I am just standing there stuck to the floor not able to move.<br />
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I can't go to her. I can't hug her. I can't speak. I am numb<br />
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The one thing I knew was I couldn't lose my mom.<br />
We are told we have to go because they didn't want us to excite her heart.<br />
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We walk back the the room.....the room where everyone is waiting for an answer....an update to what has happened. Everyone piles around my grandmother consoling her. My sister is now talking to someone but I can't see who or hear what is being said. I am numb<br />
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After some time my grandmother says it is time to leave. My first thought is leave where? Where am I suppose to go? She answers without a question that I am going to stay with her.<br />
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We go back to her home and I am asked to walk back to mine to get clothes and whatever I need.<br />
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I am alone....without thought.....I am numb as I walk<br />
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I get to the door and open it like I had many times before but upon entering I halt mid-step and am reminded of the scene that happened prior.<br />
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Her blood has stained her very white bedding....the scene replays in my mind over and over as I try to search for answers.<br />
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What is a heart attack? Why was she hooked up to tubes? Why couldn't she open her eyes? Is she going to leave me? I am numb<br />
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I walk up the stairs to my room like I had many times before but now I am haunted by that fearful look my mother had on her face. I am alone.<br />
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I grab what I need and walk alone back to my grandmothers. As I get to her door I pause unsure what to do. Do I knock or just walk in? This isn't my home. As familiar this place is, it is now haunted with a memory. I walk in. She has the couch set for me. As I put my stuff down she is pacing around while talking on the phone to someone about my mothers current state. This is not my home<br />
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I try to settle myself into the couch to sleep. I drift away with a numbing feeling.<br />
I get up the next morning to go to school as my grandmother thinks that is what is best for me. I have to go back to that place I call home to shower and get my school stuff.<br />
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I walk back alone, I get to that all familiar door and pause again. Maybe just maybe it was all a dream. I go in and as I walk I see that very white blood stained bedding and as if on cue the clip replays again. I walk up the stairs to the shower and that reel keeps going as if it was intended to repeat itself over and over again. Again I am desperately trying to make sense of what happened.<br />
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I walk to school alone and numb unsure how the day is going to go. Maybe my grandmother will come and tell me she is fine and will be home today. The day passes with a blur. I walk back home alone and numb. I am determined to walk through the door and think that just maybe my grandmother just didn't have time to come get me. That is not the case.<br />
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I have to do something about this very white stained bedding. I call my grandmother and she cries because she didn't know that I had to see that. I am asked to bag it and bring it to her so she can clean it. On cue that reel starts as I bag and stuff this bedding in there. It has now become real. It has been almost 24 hours and she isn't home. She may not ever come home. I will be alone forever.<br />
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I get back to my grandmothers and we head to the hospital. I am told that we will be going in again because it may do my mother some good for her to hear us. I panic, I know the scene from the day before will be the same, I am not strong enough to bear this. My grandmother insist. We walk through these unfamiliar bright white walls to her slot. I can't do it, I can't look at her, I can't speak. My grandmother walks over and I look up. I can't bear the sight and I finally break. I can't stop the pain that I am feeling, the hurt, the worry, the unanswered questions. I can't speak. I just cry and cry. I am in pain. I finally have a feeling.<br />
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Its the same routine the next day and the day after that. By day number 4 the tubes are out of her throat and she is awake. We walk through the doors and she sees us and begins to cry, I cry, we all cry. I am now having the feeling that she is going to make it and I won't be alone. By the next day she is coming around to her old self but something is off. I can see it when she looks at us. Then it happens...she is angry......she had a DNR. Wait come again?? Then my grandmother and her exchange some words and we're told to leave. I have this urgency to ask what does a DNR mean. I don't have to ask it is said to one of my other family members...A DNR means Do Not Resuscitate!!!<br />
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My mother is angry because no one followed her order to Not Resuscitate...wait she doesn't want to live....she's mad because she is alive at this very moment....what about me?<br />
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I see it more and more the next day how angry and distant she is. She is finally discharged after 6 days. Her very white bedding nice and clean back on her bed. The atmosphere has changed. I don't understand what is happening, I don't know what I am suppose to do, I don't know what I am suppose to say. I sit on the couch confused and pondering over what I should do. Is she mad at me? But I say nothing, I do nothing but sit and wait for a cue. She sleeps and I wait. Night comes quick and I eat while she sleeps. I shower while she sleeps. I go to bed while she sleeps. I wake the next morning hoping for some thing just uncertain of what I am waiting for, maybe some affection, maybe some answers, just some kind of cue. I get nothing. She's up when I eat, I get ready for school and still no words are exchanged. What did I do wrong? I can't comprehend why?<br />
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When I come home from school she is asleep. I go to my room and do my homework. When I come down to eat she is awake. I am hoping for some answers and finally she speaks to me. The words that are coming our of her mouth hold so much pain and anguish. I catch a sentence... She didn't want to live, she didn't want to live anymore, she lived all that she wanted to live. She down right hated everyone because she was alive. At the age of 15 do you know what it is like to have your mother angry because she is alive? I can't respond because I am numb<br />
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Days go by....weeks pass by........things are getting back to "normal"........except this empty feeling.<br />
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Eventually I just put a bandaid over it as she continues to live, as she continues to be there everyday.<br />
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After this I didn't have the best relationship with my mother. I moved out at 16. Our mother daughter relationship was very rocky. I was pregnant at 18 and our relationship seemed that it was better than ever, I had Lexi at 19 and our relationship was amazing. She was loving, happy, and there for me. I then decided to move to CT at 20 and she wasn't happy but our relationship continued. Then some time later our relationship hit rock bottom but would bounce right back until March of 2012.<br />
I do not have a relationship with my mother. I have not spoken to her since 2012. She does not want to speak to me, she does not want to mend our relationship.<br />
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So today walking back into that ICU I was brought back to that memory reel and I was hit with dread...sorrow.....anger.......broken hearted.<br />
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I hope he pulls through but I am not sure I can bear that sight again.Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-90439190120685541202013-11-21T16:01:00.003-08:002013-11-21T16:10:27.981-08:00Letter to my husband<br />
Dear Husband of mine,<br />
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When we met almost 7 years ago I never thought we would be where we are today a happily married couple. When we first met I wanted nothing to do with you. When the time came you let me in without holding a grudge. That first time we hung out we were all work friends but the way you smiled, laughed, and your eyes just captivated me. I wasn't looking to get into a relationship because my son's father and I were freshly sleeping in separate rooms. I already had enough on my plate but you some how made all that stress dissipate when we were together. You always made me feel like a princess when we were together which I never knew I wanted to be treated like that. You always have a way to lighten my mood and make me laugh. We have had our trials and tribulations and we have always come out on top.<br />
Your a amazing, hardworking, dependable, intelligent man, and a great role model for the kids. You make me laugh all the time, you pick me up when I am down, you are my support beam for every decision made. I know that when I fall and hurt myself I can count on you to make fun of me because at the ripe age of 32 we know that I will continue to hurt myself because its inevitable. I will continue to love you until the end of my days. Your my security when I go to bed and my sunshine when I wake up. Knowing that I have you by my side makes me feel like we can conquer whatever life has in-store for us.<br />
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You are my everything.<br />
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<br />Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729860461820293706.post-27008764528885047382013-11-20T17:35:00.001-08:002013-11-20T17:35:25.476-08:00The waiting gameThis week has been a bit nerve wracking for me.<br />
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As I had my internship interview earlier this week, Jeremiah left on work convention, and just trying to do everything by myself. So now the waiting game for an answer and for my hubby to come home.<br />
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I am thankful for the support from everyone. My husband is going to help me with dinner (let's hope we all survive it lol), my direct supervisor who has been the one to convince me to do this asap has my back 100%. To have this much support is humbling. I know I can juggle everything at once and it just feels good to know that I have people there to help me.<br />
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This is the second time that he has left for work and it leaves me strung out trying to get everything ready for the day. It's when he is gone it makes me appreciate him more than anything else. He does more than I realize and I miss him more and more. I love having a husband who treats me and the kids so well. Every couple of months we get to look forward to having a vacation from each other. Thanks to technology we get to FaceTime as it helps with my sadness over missing him.<br />
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I adore my husband, there isn't anything that he does that I don't like (well maybe when he picks his nose, or farts in my face, or when he sweats at night). I am happy that we waited so long to get married. I still don't know everything there is to know about him and I like it, I love hanging out with his friends and they reminisce about the old days, and I love hearing about his childhood stories. The best thing about our relationship is that we don't force it to work it just does, we still have our problems just like everyone else but its how we get over our arguments is what matters.<br />
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~Happy reading~<br />
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<br />Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08719501810711386842noreply@blogger.com0