Guilty Conscience

I am one of those people who always have a guilty conscience about things I do.

For instance any time I indulge in candy (too much candy) I feel guilty for doing it
Eating a bag of chips, cheese-its, ice cream, anything in the junk food category
Eating pizza
Not working out
Spending too much money
Not wanting to do a damn thing except play my new Call of Duty:Ghost game
Not wanting to cook
Not wanting to clean
Would rather take a ride on my bike than workout
Buying myself something and not anyone else
Being rude for no reason
Yelling at my kids for some unknown reason
Not wanting to take the dogs for a hike when I can take the bike out
I even feel guilty for putting myself before the kids and Jeremiah
Wanting to shut myself in my bedroom and not be bothered

But when I do any of the above I feel guilty after doing them
I do the self hate
I beat myself down
Cause myself to hit a downward spiral of depression
Stress myself out because I dwell on all the wrong things that I have been doing

Yet I know eating that chip will cause me to continue to eat more because I don't make the conscience choice to make the first change. Instead of going for the snack cupboard, just making that choice to go to the fridge and get an fruit, veggies w/hummas, or even popcorn would make me not falter into that same evil pattern.

I know that eating that one unhealthy thing will cause me to continue to eat unhealthy and then I complain because I have gain 8 lbs since my wedding. I have to be that strict diet person who has to weigh themselves every day because that's how I know if I am doing everything right. I can't just have that one cheat day because when I have that craving before my cheat day comes I cave and then I have 2 cheat days. I can't have just a handful of chips because I don't have the willpower to just stop at that. I know how to lose the weight, eat right, and stick to my workout schedule but why is it I can't just stick with it long enough to hit my goal weight?

That my friends is the question I always ask myself.

I know what I need to do but yet I can't just do it to my goal weight. My first time doing Insanity I stuck with it, lost 30lbs and 4 inches of just my waist. I was determined to continue to lose. I switched up my workout, tried different workouts (Zumba, p90x, Jillian Michaels, Bob Harper, 3 more rounds of Insanity, alternating each workout different days) yet I still have been yo-you dieting for the past year.

Is it truly stress that when I feel like I am so completely wound up too thigh that my diet and workout is the first to go? Sometimes that is how I feel. Sticking with the same schedule day in and day out gets boring. I would rather take my bike out than workout and then I promise myself that the next day I will work out 2x as hard and then its another nice day and I call my friend Jamie and we take the bikes out for a ride.

Well my friends I am going to do this new workout program Focus T25. It is another line from
Shawn T (Insanity creator) however the workout is 25 minutes. There should be no excuse as to why I don't have the time to workout. It seems like a perfect plan and I know there are going to be times that I can't commit but I shouldn't let that be an excuse to continue to give up.

School is right around the corner so lets hope that I can continue to do it all! Thumbs up!!! :)


I mean who wouldn't want to change their schedule to ride these Bitches

Halloween Shenanigans

This was the first time that I handed out candy instead of taking the kids trick-or-treating in over 12 years.

I had my daughter at a young age and couldn't afford to buy candy to give away for free. Then as she got older I took her out to get candy (of coarse I ate most of it lol). Then when my son was born I was taking 2 kids out (of coarse more candy for me).  Now fast forward to 2013 and I was gearing up to take the plunge of this new adventure.

Now that Lexi is older she is now venturing away and going with friends more and more. I never was allowed to do 98% of the stuff that she is allowed to do now. I was a very sheltered child, I walked to school and home and that was about it. I wasn't allowed to walk more than a block away from the house when I was her age. So this Halloween she went off with her friends and it was a bitter sweet moment for me. Jeremiah took Logan the Roman Gladiator to fight for his candy.

Now for my excitement.
I had my first guest and I was more excited to partake in this tradition than ever before. Then I started to notice my house was being passed up and that saddened me. Then I realized as my house is set back in from the road a little most people miss the house before they realize it.

A light bulb moment

I'll use Jeremiah's flood lights to light up the porch as an SOS please come and take this 10 lbs of candy off my hands. It worked for a whole 2 seconds as I couldn't get the stand to work and the lights to light. Good thing our friends the Mow's show up to help out this work light inclined person. As they show and help all seems to be perfect again....................for about 15 seconds........

As we congregate on the porch I smell a burning stench and thing to myself that it has to be the lights......but the smell is getting worse and worse and Duke comes running onto the porch drooling and brought the most retched stench with him........Fudge he just got sprayed!!!!!!!! Damn it!!

We run into the house and shut the dog outside. Damn it what are we going to do now?????

Well the only viable option is to wash Duke (of coarse this isn't my thought because all has gone to shit and I can't think because I have never been in this predicament before, good thing the Mow's know a thing or 2 haha) so we bring the soap and water outside and proceed to wash him.... all the mean while people are gaging over the stench and trick-or-treaters are now passing up the house, while watching, with the flood lights projecting the us on display.... and now we become the laughing stock for the entire neighborhood....

So now I get to feel bad because they don't want to leave me because they feel bad for me and now I got to feel horrible as the 4 kids they had with them are missing out on trick-or-treating. Now these are some true friends who put Duke before candy.

Now the deed is finished and off they go so now I believe that Halloween will commence again without issue........nope........ it now starts to rain and not a single soul is on the road.....DAMN IT!!!

I only went through 3/4 of 1 bowl.....was left with a full bowl that is now going straight to my ass. Good thing I will be starting up my diet on Monday.


A unforgettable Halloween

Halloween is approaching

I love Halloween about as much as I love Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and Valentines Day....
Why do you ask? Yes that's right CANDY and FOOD!!!!

No seriously I love Halloween as it is the time of year that I get to dress up and go to parties and have spooky drinks. This year I am a Masquerade girl and <3 it!!

This will be the first time in 12 years that I will be handing out candy. Yes I am going to be handing out candy so you people with children better come visit lol. I am actually excited to partake in this for the first time and see all the little children and their costumes.

I made sure get lots of candy to be prepared for the festivities. The kids and Jeremiah keep dipping their dirty little hands into the bowl and taking a piece here and there. Brats :)
Well I hope that everyone has a safe and fun Halloween!!!! <3 ;)

~Peace out~

Need to break out of this funk

I don't know what gives. One minute I am high on life and love everything about my life and the next I have this odd feeling and not sure what to make of it.
Is it stress?
Is it depression?
Could it be that I hadn't worked out for a week and haven't been eating healthy?
Is it my menstrual cycle?

It could quite possibly be all of the above.

I talked to my Grammy today and that made me feel good. I need to get home to see my family asap. I sent her a photo book of our wedding and that was the first thing we talked about.  I miss my Grammy but with the way things are looking I may not be able to make it home for a while. It breaks my heart that I can't go see her whenever I want too. She maybe the one and only person who truly understands why I had to leave. We talk about where my life would have gone if I stayed....it wasn't promising.
I don't regret leaving, if I didn't leave I wouldn't be where I am now.........struggling to get into a career. I think that is where all my stress is lying at right now. The fight of the unknown. I put in 100% to get what I want but there are times where it is out of my hands. I don't make a plan B because I want to know if plan A pans out and goes in the right direction, if not I plan for B. I know what I want and where I want to be in life.

I love my life and where I am at the current moment however it isn't where I want to be.

Can I manage a full time job, full time school, and do an internship? All the while being a mom and a wife?

Im good at school but I am afraid that I am piling too much on my plate and I will get down on myself if I don't have good grades. The internship is only for a short while but the question I am struggling with is should I jump to try to do the internship now or wait a year? I don't want to pass up the opportunity while I have the chance and since I will be fresh into classes I should be able to juggle it all.........Right????

I think I need a good cry

You think I am crazy now......just wait until January (insert cynical laugh here) hehe

Well it is official...... I start school in January!!!! EEEEEKKKKKKK

I am also going to be put on the list to interview for the Probation office for the internship!!! Woohooo!!

Now here is where the crazy part kicks in, not only will I still work my current full time job, also go to school full time, and do the internship (if I am accepted, keep fingers and toes crossed)!! Yup I hopped aboard that crazy train and I am going to ride that bitch all the way to the end!

The only reason I know I can do this is because of the the support group that I have backing me. Jeremiah my main man is the one who supports me the most especially now that he will have to pick up the slack. Then there are my Regional 7 co-workers who are always pushing me (Julie B) to finish schooling while I have the chance too. They also accommodate to my stress level (when I am loosing my mind looking like a lunatic, they give me a break). My friends are my main cheerleaders telling me to keep going because the reward is great at the end. Especially my friend Kristin V, she has been the one to encourage me to continue and knock it out now. My bestie Jamie has always been there for me during the crazy times and is always willing to take the kids for the night when I am drowning in school work and paper deadlines. But my main reason for doing all this craziness, are my children. They are the ones who I am truly doing it for. I want them to have a better life than myself and their fathers. I want them to know that they need an education and a career to make it in life. When they complain about school I remind them that I graduated with my bachelors at the age of 31 when I really should have graduated with that at 22.

I will push my children and people can say what they want about how most who do have an education still don't have jobs. In my opinion what I have noticed are those who do have an education background and can't find a job in their field within reasonable driving distance are confided and can't fulfill their dreams. You have to be willing to make the sacrifice to move to another location, but most aren't able due to certain circumstances. For instance if you own a home you'd have to sell it before moving, you'd have to have the job before moving, and you'd have to have another place to live once you reach your destination. These are the reasons that I explain to my children the importance of going to school, finishing, and obtaining a career before it's too late. I tell them the importance of not having children too early (like me) because it puts you in a position (like me) and you just feel stuck.

I however don't have the ability to just up and move. I have restraints on being able to do so, I couldn't (as much as I can't stand the other parent) just up and take my kids away from all that they have known. Don't get me wrong Jeremiah and I have plans to leave state in the future but it just isn't a viable option right now(or in the next 10 years). Most are in the same position as I am. Some have other obligations. However if you don't have obligation than you should be willing to do just about anything (short of selling your soul) to land that dream job even if it means moving across country.

So here is my fair warning. If you see me walking down the middle of the street in my pjs holding my school books ranting about deadlines please bring me to my rightful home and put a straight jacket on me lol.

~Peace Out~

He's gone like a bird in the sky

It takes him leaving for me to realize hoe much I rely/depend on him. The troubling part is I don't know if it is a bad or good thing....................

He does more for our famy than I realized. He makes me eggs every morning, makes sure we have enough milk for the next day. If I run out if bread he goes and gets it for me, as well as yogarts, and Monsters. Yesterday was rough. We have spent time without each other when I go to NY or VA to visit but this is the first time he's left me.

It hadn't been 24 he's since he left and I was depressed and couldn't stop thinking of him. I am thinking of this in a positive way. Now I know how it feels to be left behind. I know we are meant to be when we miss each other when one is away. 

Marriage

So we are almost 3 weeks into being married after being together for 6 1/2 years and really nothing has changed. We are still the same people with the same problems however I love being able to call Jeremiah my husband :). 

Love seeing his wedding band on his finger. 
Since getting married I am constantly asked, "How does it feel to be married?" I have been finding it difficult to answer the question because in reality it is still the same just with a commitment. Its different in the sense that I am actually married to someone for the first time in my life and I am beyond grateful to be married to the man that I have.


I adore him and hate to be away from him. When we do get into disagreements/arguments/fights we know how to resolve them (usually with me being right lol). Someone once posted on Facebook about why marriages fail, they said that they do because women expect men to change and men expect the woman to stay the same. For us I know the person he is and he knows the person I am (a crazy lunatic some of the time). I think for some people once the honeymoon period is over they realize everything is the same and the excitement is over. 


I am still happy to be a married woman and I am glad we waited as long as we had!!!!!!!

~Peace Out~