Another day in paradise

Another day off and all alone!
I have been off since last friday...not by my choice but this vacation has been full of relaxation and doing the much needed cleaning around the house. I have not worked out once this week :( I had every intention to workout but that was thrown out the window. The good thing was the only day that I cheated was christmas which I had ice cream and candy. I had every intention of working out but laziness got in the way and I took full advantage of no kids, no work, and no working out. I have hardly watched any television. I spent my days listening to music and cleaning, today was spent working on my blog.
Now I am lounging around today waiting to go visit a friend. The one thing that I like the most is chilling in my pj pants.

Well time to go lounge around on the couch.

~Peace out~

Bright sky chases away dark clouds

I am glad that Christmas is over. Yesterday I was a wreck. Let me paint a picture of how I was looking lol.
You know those chic flicks where you see the girl in front of the television crying and eating ice cream? Yea that was me.
Even after Jeremiah realized there was something wrong with me I couldn't stop crying.
Here's another example of how much of a train wreck I was... I looked at the sun set last night and started crying.
So see how emotional I was yesterday?
The best part is Jeremiah has been making fun of me ever since. You would think that would upset me but it doesn't it actually makes me laugh. It isn't healthy if you can't laugh at yourself.
For instance today I slept until 9:40 and began my morning and when I said I've only been up for 40  minutes Jeremiah laughs at me and I explain how I needed the sleep after the train wreck of a day, so Jeremiah says "yesterday wasn't the train wreck you were!" So I begin laughing about it.
Laughter makes everything better.
Today is a much better day, I don't feel depressed and I'm not looking at something and just start crying.

So today I will workout........and that is about it on my agenda.

Have a good day.

Thank goodness Christmas is over.

Christmas sorrows

By far the worst Christmas I have ever had.

I have lived in CT for almost 11 years now and I've never felt this way during the holidays.
It is hard not having family around or any family that cares to be around.
Every Christmas my kids leave by 10 am to their father's to spend time with them and normally it doesn't affect me but today it has been really hard.
We usually do something for Christmas and this year the plans fell through so I have been sitting home all day and my Christmas lunch was soup, which was delicious however it was no ham, potatoes and gravy, rolls, and pie.
Jeremiah isn't even affected by the fact that we have nowhere to spend Christmas.
Last year we decided to drive to NY Christmas morning and what a joke that was.
So instead of working out today I have decided to cry away my sorrows.
I took down all the Christmas decorations as soon as we got home from dropping off the kids to their dad's, which is something that I do every year after the kids leave so that I can unclutter my living room. It gets crowded during the winter with the stack of wood, tree, and furniture.

Well even tough I am depressed I will move on to it's just another day..................................................

Well after I initially wrote this I went to the store and got some Ben & Jerry's and movies from Red Box came home went to my room and started watching movies and had a good cry.

Jeremiah realized that something was wrong and came to talk to me but all I did was keep crying. Now let me remind you I never cry. Its not that I am a hard ass (well I am) but for some reason I don't get emotional and cry.

Like I said it never affected me that I couldn't visit during the holidays because I always visit every year so I don't understand why I was all emotional. Maybe early menopause?? I mean I am only 31 but it could be possible.

Motivation come to me

The one thing that I dislike about vacations is the lack of motivation.
I really like being able to finally sit home and do nada or possibly catch up on the mountain of laundry and the dust bunnies at are starting to have a mind of their own. So today instead of going to the Temple I decided to tackle the laundry and Jeremiah took Logan paintballing for a birthday party.

So my only goal for the day is to make sure I work out to finish this week off and move onto week 4. Then I'll have 4 weeks left to finish that rotation.

This vacation is going to be filled with visiting my friends that I haven't seen in a while but I am going to miss my babies but it is nice to have a break from everything. The only problem that I have is that Jeremiah is going to spend it with me (that bastard). I love him dearly but when this mama wants her alone time that means away from him too. Its not his fault that his boss is going on vacation for the holiday but it just seems that when I have a day off he does too but when he has a day off I am at work so he gets to spend it all alone.

See I don't get much me time and that is fine but when that time does come I like to take full advantage of it and not be bothered. Either way I'll be having a good time catching up with friends.

True definition of insanity

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results -Albert Einstein

I have come to learn the error of my ways in believing that I can change people and situations to what I believe is correct. It took me a long time to figure that out. I have been working on understanding that when things change I have to accept that change and stop analyzing what the outcome is going to be. That is my constant struggle.

With Jeremiah he calls me out on my constant need to control EVERYTHING! He is good at telling me that when a situation is out of my control that I can't change it nor can I change the outcome.

I tend to dwell on the negative when things happen that are out of my control. I tend to plan for the worst scenario just so that I know what to expect and have planed my nect move. A little neurotic I know but the way I see it is I have already expected the worst outcome and have planned how to fix it if it goes that route. I do not like the unknown.

It seems contradicting when I say I like change but I only like change if I am in control of it.

All of my life I said I would never get married. I didn't marry my daughter's father who I spent 5 years with, I didn't marry my son's father who I spent 4 1/2 years with, but I am going to marry Jeremiah whom I have spent 6 years with. I know it seems odd but with Jeremiah he is my one and only. 6 years and there is nothing that has come between us.

So Saturday I went to a Buddhist Temple and it was interesting. It was hard to enjoy what was going on because they discussed the incident that happened on Friday with Newtown.  It is horrible to think that one person could harm so many young children. I had to stay off Facebook because way to many people voiced their opinions on what needs to change. Don't get me wrong this is horrific however pointing the finger is not going to help.

Gun control is not going to help, reforming the health program is not going to help, keeping your kids home from school is not going to help, what would help is if Congress and the President were to take a paycut for one year and place metal detectors in all schools with security officers as well it would help to eliminate those entering into schools with weapons.

Those in Congress and President do not send their children to inner schools no instead they send their children to schools that have metal detectors and security. If they can have the luxuary to do so then we as regular citizens should have the same opportunity.

It is frustrating that so many people on Facebook have been personalizing the situation. There is no reason for people who were not truely effected by this tradegy to keep thier children out of school today. Don't get me wrong everyone is effected by this but to say "I am afraid to send my children to school tomorrow, or I am affraid for my childrens safety at school." I understand how this is effecting people and their thoughts but to refuse your child their education for an incident that did not truely effect them is a little overboard.

I have read on Facebook that teachers should be armed and trained, I think it is a wonderful idea but instead of lethal weapons I believe that they should be armed with Tasers. I don't beleive that it would be safe to have teachers armed as there may come a situation that will arrise when a student attemps to take the gun from the teacher.

Regardless how they handle it gun control is not the option in my opinion.

Sadness darkens today

It is getting harder and harder to go on Facebook or watch the news. This happened 45 minutes from where I live and when I first heard it I didn't believe it until I stated seeing people circling around the television in the teachers lounge at work.

My heart is heavy

I am at a loss for word.
I mean how can someone go into an Elementary school and kill young kids?!?
Before Fucking Christmas?!?!
Fuck this is so sick and twisted!!

I don't care how hard you think your life is there is nothing that is going on in your life that gives anyone the right to harm young innocent children!!

Yet there are children who will not be able to see tomorrow, say I love you to their parents and families, grow up to be successful. This has nothing to do with gun control laws! This has to do with the sick individuals who use a weapon to get their point across.

We have been at war with Drugs, have we won? Are the pharmaceutical companies making it easier to obtain drugs? Think about this has the government been successful? NO instead they cut health insurance so that these sickos cant get the help they need even if they needed it.

Guns are not the issue, and if your claim is that if the laws were stricter then people wouldn't be able to kill people with a gun, your wrong.

Our government has made drugs and guns available secretly so both drugs and guns will continue to be around.
I am not forcing my opinions however I will be in probation/parole and I will feel much safer knowing that if I put someone away and they decided to cast revenge I will have something to protect myself with.

Think about this if those teachers were allowed to have a gun someone could have killed him before he caused more destruction.

Perfection

This roller coaster life is not always fun.

It seems that I am down more than Jeremiah is.
When I am down everyone is down with me. I don't mean to do it nor take it out on anyone but it seems to happen.  Think it is depression or my mood disorder kicking in. I once seen a therapist because I was going through so much stuff and no one could relate to my issues. So they figured out why every 5 years shit falls apart however I couldn't remember what happened when I was 5 in order to figure out the under lining cause.
It made since as to why I couldn't make it passed the 5 year mark with my kids dads. However I seemed to make it to 6 years with Jeremiah. I know it seems odd but every 5 years something ridiculous happens. This year the incident that happened was my job shut down so that marked the 5-year curse. I am so very grateful that I have Jeremiah and the kids by my side with a roof over our heads

What makes us perfect together is that when I am down he is always there telling me to keep positive. When he is down I am there to keep him positive.
6 years and still going strong!

So since my life has been a consistent roller coaster I have decided to go to a Buddhist Temple. I am not religious but I am a strong believer in Karma & Faith. So it seemed fitting to get Karma & Faith tattooed last year on my index fingers as a reminder. Many find it odd that my 13th tattoo was Karma but I am not superstitious so the number 13 has no relevance.

When I am stressed I forget to keep Faith that it will all work out. You would think that I would realize that by now but it is my nature to stress out about everything.

I am looking forward to visiting the temple. I just need to find peace within myself and remind myself that I need to focus on myself.
I am anxious, as I don't know what to expect. I don't expect to be treated different, on the contrary I expect to be welcomed with open arms.

I am hoping that this is exactly what I need to  find peace within myself.