Fear

Fear is the one emotion that can cause people to unravel.
I have been crippled by fear many times. It is also the driving force for me to really think my decisions.
Right at this moment I am stuck because of fear.
I fear the unknown which causes me to have high anxiety. The unknown is the worst because I like to plan for any situation or outcome that will happen in a decision that I make.
I fear change, never knowing if the change was for the good or the bad.
I fear of failing at everything so it causes me to not take chances often. I don't want to fail at getting my Masters degree so I am holding off until I know that I can complete it.
I fear that my children really don't understand that the choices that we make for them are for what we believe is best. Lexi right at this moment is the one I am struggling with. I try my hardest to get her to understand that she can't please everyone and at some point she will piss off everyone and she doesn't understand that since she loves everyone.
I fear of losing my best friend who is responsible for where I am today. If not for him I wouldn't be marring my one true love. Him and his wife will be moving away. I was having a hard time with it at first when I found out, even though we don't hang out often I always know that they are just a short drive away. On a positive side we will have someone to visit on our next journey to FL.
I fear for my siblings on both sides. My older because we were treated much differently from myself. I will have to say that I was treated better than they were. It caused our relationships to be different. I feel like we are always distant. As for my younger siblings I wish we were given the opportunity to have been together. Then maybe our relationship would be different as well. There are times that I feel like we are distant from one another as well. However I know that no matter what time of day it is I can call on all 4 and know that they would be there for me. I fear that the sense of family was never instilled on either side.
I fear that I never know if I am making the right decisions in any situation. As I always plan for the worst possible outcome and plan for the best possible outcome and hope that no matter the outcome I will accept it.
I fear of losing everything. Losing my kids, Jeremiah, house, friends, everything in my life basically.
I fear that I am a failure at times especially when I can't control my eating due to stress and at this point I need to control my eating so that I will look beautiful in my wedding dress in 2 1/2 months. I am a stress eater and when things are happening out of my control I stress out which contributes to me sabotaging everything I have worked hard for.
I fear that my younger sibling is going through some tough stuff that no woman should ever have to and there is nothing at this point in time that I can do to help, yes I can be there for her emotionally but I can't help her physically or financially.
Fear is what keeps me out of trouble.
Fear is what keeps me thinking rational

Crazy turn of events

Yesterday was Mother's Day and usually we just do little things around the house...nothing usually special because I am a very simple person who doesn't expect much or lavish gifts. Jeremiah got me a card and a Rose pot which was neat because I don't like getting fresh cut flowers as they die in a week and I like to have things worth money. Logan and Lexi wanted to get me DQ but the line was far too long for me to wait. So today I promised we would go since they insisted on buying me something.
Now Jeremiah and I have been together for 6 1/2 years and I had yet to meet his grandmother. We had decided that it was time for me to meet her since we invited her to the wedding. The way I pictured her was this little old bitty who wasn't very nice....instead I got a woman who was very welcoming and they had acted like they had known me forever but just hadn't seen me in some time. They want us to come around more often...huh I guess I'm not a lose cause yet. lol
They invited us up to their cottage and over for more holidays and such. Now you have to understand that I have lived in CT for over 11 years now and I haven't had any sense of family here........until now it seems. Jeremiah's mom whom is going to be my mother-inlaw in a few months said that she had been telling everyone that I just graduated from college and that she is proud of me..that warmed my heart.
Things seem different now that we are getting married. I mean his mom accepted me from the very beginning. There was an incident where the protection broke and I went to her asking her what I should do because I had never had that happened and I didn't want any more children and Jeremiah and I were fresh into the relationship and her response was..and I kid you not was..."Well I don't see what the problem is,  I would have a grandchild." (Insert a huge smile on her face). UMMMMMM
Well we solved that problem by me getting fixed. I had my 2 children and I didn't want anymore, I was ready to start living my life and figuring out what I wanted to do with it. People always "Well what if he wants children?" It wasn't like I went out and got fixed without discussing it with him first, we both decided that more children weren't for us. And if there comes a point in time where he says he wants a child then he best go find himself a hooker and have a baby with her. Some people don't find that funny but I do.
So back to this welcoming family. I was so happy at the end of the day that I was wiped. I can't wait for it to happen again. And I hope all the mommies, mommies to be, and the mommies who fill in had a wonderful mother's day like I did.

~Peace Out~

The younger years

I remember as a kid getting really excited to bring home the project that I made at school to show to my mother. I remember making some thing for my mom for every occasion. Mother’s day was the best presents. Now as a mom myself my kids always made something for me for each holiday. I remember Lexi was so proud of herself when she made a present for Jeremiah and her father for father’s day, it melted our hearts. Logan is always proud of his gifts that he makes, I remember a few years ago he made a ginger bread house at school and was bringing it home on the bus, it didn't make it off the bus the same way it went on, he was devastated. 
Now as they get older the schools don't push for presents anymore. 

Those little children who adored their parents at one time cuss at them and call them names. It is sad that because they don't get what they want they say mean and hateful things about their parents to their friends. I have never said I hated my mother no matter how mad she made me. Parents, society, and any other person can say it is always how the child is raised is how they will be but that is not the case in my opinion. Parents are an influence, school is an influence, and their environment is an influence. You can raise your child any way you want but once they step out into school their peers change them in some shape or form. Kids learn to act one way at home and then act a totally different way in school around their peers. 
You can teach your children that drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol are bad but they will experiment with it because they do not want to be "that kid" who is a wuss or a goody-two-shoes. You can teach them not to lie but they will learn to lie to your face just to get what they want or to stay out of trouble. They will do things that you never expected them to do and you will be hurt by the things you learn that your child is doing or has done but you will have to accept them for all of their flaws.




I was raised in a sheltered home. I didn't go to sleep overs until I was 13....13. I was never allowed to roam the streets until I was 15. And at 15 is when I learned things for myself that I never knew existed. Never knew what drugs were, what sex was, ever knew life outside of my neighborhood. Once I started to learn what the world was like I had this need to experience everything and anything I could. I began to learn about myself and the real person I was (loud and obnoxious), I wanted to hang out with my friends any chance I could, and I learned real quick that I didn't like to be picked on or bullied (that lead to me getting into trouble at school). I learned to stand up for myself and my friends around me. I really liked school but I didn't like some of the teachers. Education starts with the styles of teaching. I learned more from the teachers who made learning fun and more from those teachers who genuinely cared about their job and how they affected the students. 
I raise my children to understand education is important piece of their life and I explain to them that I want them to experience things I never had the chance too. That is why we always have kids spending the weekend with us and we do things with the kids. That is all I can do as a parent and hope that my children listen to my advice and choose the right path.

~Peace Out~

Life changing decision

Every decision that is made is a life changing decision

You are always making choices in life that alter your path in one way or another. Most of the time you don't think of the consequences those minimal decisions play but it plays a part.

My decision to start school to pursue a career was one of the many important decisions I have made in my life. When I first made the decision to go back to school I started at a school based in CT, went there for a year, then decided to take a year off to pursue becoming a police officer (which was an experience I will never forget). If I didn't have a position in Law Enforcement by the end of that year I was to go back to school, well many know that didn't happen so I began my Bachelors again at another school. After an intense 2 years I graduated!! Finally I am done right??? Nope I want to get my Masters in Human Services with a concentration in Drug & Alcohol Counseling. I am not looking forward to going through that. I have to do 2 internships and I am not sure how I am going to manage trying to work and do an internship.... well I may have just thought of a way, since I work at a school I could do my internship during the summer...hum that might be a way.

My graduation celebration was amazing, however I forgot to be a camera nazi and take 1000+ pictures but it is in memory. There were so many people who came to celebrate with me and I am so humble that they all came. Its funny how people can go some time without seeing each other and when there is a get together it is as if no time has passed...that is what I love and it shows how much people truly care for us. The hardest thing was trying to make my rounds to chat with everyone, it seemed as soon as I sat down to chat with someone another person showed up or I forgot to do something and I would have to get up and handle it. However I did have help and that was awesome. 

Now back to reality. I actually like going to work, Yeah Yeah I know, but I do. One reason is that I am around people who have many different personalities......many different personalities lol. I have a love hate relationship with people. I don't mind being around people but I can't stand being around a lot of stupid people. The grocery store is one of those places that set me off. Driving oh don't even get me started on that..there is a reason why every vehicle is equipped with an indicator...but it seems for some people it is optional use....idiots. I can't stand rude customer service, it is their job to be polite and profession yet I always get the joys of listening to the cashiers personal problem while they take their sweet time ringing up my items and talking to another cashier. Today at Walmart as I am cashing out the cashier says "Did you find everything okay?" Really lady as if I just decided to not ask someone if they knew where an item was located in the store that I needed, I said to hell with that and decided to cash out without the item(s) I was looking for. Ugh people annoy the crap out of me. Some times I feel like a dog who tilts its head to the side and looks at you all funny, yeah thats me thinking to myself "Are you freaking kidding me?" Another reason I like going to work is I am getting to know the people I work with, some are louder than others...hint hint, while some are very quite and reserved. Oh plus I can't get paid sitting at home..Duh

Well anyways now that one accomplishment is done I should probably get a move on with this wedding planning stuff. I mean I don't have much left to do but I have enough. I need to start blogging more too but I have taken aliking in rereading my books that I have on my kindle ohhhh and I have a Barns & Knoble gift card..I see some new books in the near future. haha

~Peace Out~

Do you believe everything?

Today Jeremiah and I got into a heated discussion over the news and the bomber. No I never display our arguments however this is in need of discussion.

Do you believe in everything you watch on the news?

It is like that commercial http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmx4twCK3_I

My mom use go harp on me for not watching the news and not knowing what’s going on in the world. There is a reason why I don't watch the news and that is because I don’t believe everything that they talk about, I mean come on with all this technology they still can't get the weather right! This morning's news was about the Boston bomber and how he was interrogated for 16 hours. Now on my Facebook news feed it has been about the bomber and what their intentions were. I am a believer in conspiracy, so I ask this question....why were they running "mock bombing trials" the same day? There are photos of Navy Seals with back backs as well as people on the rooftops. These are some things that make no sense to me. Why is it that there was no video of them dropping the book bags but then I hear that there is a video yet I can't find an actual video for it? Do I believe that they did it? Honestly I don’t know, my reason for it is simple.... if they did it then why didn't they leave the state right after? They didn't lock down the area right away.
There are too many unanswered questions that will never be answered. The Government has secrets that We the people will never know about.
I for one am not happy with the way the Government is conducting business. I am beginning to believe that they are not for The People. 

This whole gun reform in CT is causing serious problems. One issue that I have is the registering the clips and if you don't it is a Class D fine but yet if I don't register my dog I'm not a felon and dogs can hurt people and other animals but yet a piece of plastic can classify you as a criminal? Am I the only one who sees a problem with this?

Well I just hope that our country can turn itself around and right the wrongs.

~Peace Out~

Learning to accept things I can not change

Sorry I haven't had a post in a while. I haven't been in the right frame to blog, blogging requires clever and witty things to say and I hadn't had anything clever or witty to write.

I have always had the hardest time accepting things I can not change or things that I have no control over. When things are out of my control I tend to stress about it but thankfully I have Jeremiah who grounds me and helps to remind me that it will work itself out the way Fate has intended to.

I have always been a planner and a doer. Don't get me wrong I tend to procrastinate....a lot. When I am facing a decision I always plan for the worst and hope for the best but recently I didn't plan for the worst case and I was crushed. Jeremiah was there for me once again and made me realize that I can't change people's decisions and I can't make them change themselves either. So I have moved passed that situation with a smile.

Wedding planning has been slow. Not really much left to do except make the invitations, meet with the cook, and make the decorations and that is all that is left. I am so excited to be getting married. I never wanted to get married, I seen what marriage does to people and I wanted no part in that but now it is different with Jeremiah. I want that next step with him, regardless that we have been together over 6 years, this is a big commitment for the both of us and it will make us united.

Marriage is something more than just a piece of paper, more than just a commitment, it is tying two people together and that should make it more than just a word. People lose sight of that when getting married. Marriage isn't something that should be just thrown away when you feel like your done working at it. Marriage takes work from 2 people, and both parties need to know what battles to pick and when to understand how the other partner feels. Women like to bitch and when I need to bitch I tell Jeremiah I just need him to listen to what I am saying and understand how I feel. That is how we have been avoiding arguments. Marriage to me should be something special.

There are people who believe that marriage is between a man and a woman and that is it, however all statistics based on marriage is solely based on a man and a woman but yet 50% of those marriages end in divorce. It isn't gays or lesbians that ruing marriage it is the men and the women. Women stop impressing their men because they have married them and believe that they no longer have to do that. Wrong. Men feel stuck because they work, come home to being nagged, and start the same thing all over again. The men arent' allowed to continue their shenanigans anymore because the woman believes they need to grow up and act like a husband but yet we fall in love with them because of their shenanigans and what not. Just because you get married doesn't give the right to dictate what the husband does. When Jeremiah and I get married I will not tell him that he can't play video games anymore, can't hang out with his friends, and that he needs permission to do things. That's not a relationship that's control, and that is what contributes to divorce. I love him for who he is and I wouldn't want him to change that. I know that we will not end in divorce (of coarse I have already told him that we will never divorce no matter what lol) because we are meant for each other. He is my rock and he is what I need to keep grounded and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't show him how much I appreciate him for who he is and what he has done for us as a family.

Well there is my thoughts on marriage.

~Peace Out~

I haven't been in the mood to blog

Blogging is one of those things that you need to be in the right frame of mind for so that you can come up with some clever things to say. Well I haven’t been in the "clever" mood for the past week or so. Any who I am getting excited to be graduating next month and being able to celebrate with all my friends and family. I have accomplished so much but yet still have more to go.
Between graduation and wedding stuff I seem to still have little time for anything and now that I have increased my workout times I have even less time. I actually thought. I figured that increasing my workout times will also help me to lose the weight needed in 4 months. 
I can't wait until next week when I am on vacation from work. I have each day booked up to meet with the few friend that I haven't seen in a while which I am excited for.

Well off to relax and get ready for another day in paradise lol