Best Holiday Season Ever

This was the best holiday season that we have ever had!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been in the Christmas Spirit since the beginning of December. Which is extremely unusual. I usually dread the holidays because that means I have to go shopping with all these crazy people. I have tried the save through out the year and then things come up and I have to use that money. This year was different and I am not sure why I set up everything. Tomorrow will be spent taking everything down.

For Thanksgiving we went to the grandmothers and it was great to be around family. Christmas Eve we went to our annual Christmas eve party at our friends house to do the present swap and both kids participated in and they both got great gifts. Its great hanging out with our friends especially during the holiday. The Veneziano/Fotiathis always invite us to their gatherings regardless if it is a family gathering or a friends gathering. Today for Christmas we went to the Brady's because this was the first Christmas that we didn't plan to go anywhere or do anything, they graciously invited us to join them. At first we were a little unsure since we didn't know if we were going to the grandmothers again but didn't hear anything so we took them on their offer.

They had all the fixings and it was delicious. I tried 2 new treats that I have never had, tried my second wine that I actually like, and got to hear and throw out some dirty talk. I enjoy hanging with the Brady/Vold's because they always treat us more than just friends. They made sure we had everything for the wedding, took care of all the food, and just helped to make it a special day. Love my borrowed family!!!

 It was different to go to our borrowed families house instead of having it at our families house or going to my families house. It was such a great time to hang out with friends and hear them reminisce about their old school days. It reminded me of being home with my family in NY listening to them talk about their old days, or listening to my younger siblings talk about their childhood. This is the first time that I wasn't homesick for the holidays. It seems odd sometimes to me that I still get homesick when as of January 19th I will have lived in CT for 12 years. I think having my friends surround me helps with that. I hope that everyone of my friends and family had a great Christmas

One thing for sure is some how I need to find time to make it back home to NNY, to PA, and to VA. I just need to figure out how I plan on doing that while working, going to school, doing the internship, finding time for my family, finding time to hang with friends, and for Jeremiah.

There comes a point in time when I have to let go

It is hard coming to a realization that family members are becoming more of a stranger to me. There are times where I blame myself because I moved away almost 12 years ago but then I realize I can't blame myself since with todays technology it is extremely convent to keep in touch but as of late it seems that is just to much for people. Yet when I am around they seem to always have their phone in their hands but are too busy to answer me? I understand peoples lives are busy but you can always respond just to let me know that you got my message.

I can't force people to make me apart of their lives. I can't force people to tell me their life changing situations. I can't force people to let me know that they changed their phone number or have moved. I can't force people to not lie to me about whether they got my save the dates or wedding invitations. I can't make people answer my text when I message. I can change how it makes me feel. I can change my reaction to their surprise when I tell them how I feel. I can't make people make me apart of their lives. I will not just roll with the punches and allow this non-communication anymore.

It seems those who I was born and raised with are more of a stranger to me than my two younger siblings who I was kept from knowing for 28 years of my life. Is it so strange that my younger brother called me first to tell me that him and his gf were expecting before he told our younger sister and our father. It took me by surprise and it was heart warming to know that they thought to inform me first.

My little sister always informs me of the good and the bad of her relationship. She has called and asked me for advice. We are able to relate to one another than anyone else. The one thing that I love about her is she can take whatever I dish out at her and she can dish it right back. Every time we are together it is a great time. When I first met both my younger siblings they accepted me regardless of the outcome of the DNA test. My little sister didn't care what the results were she believed that we would be sisters no matter what. I think she secretly wanted a sister anyways lol. I however felt much different, if it came out that we weren't siblings how could I pretend that we were? She wouldn't listen and when the results came in all she said was "See told you so." When she met the kids for the first time all she did was hug them and tell them how much she loved them, they thought she was crazy haha. When our brother Stu walked in it seemed that he was a magnet and the kids were drawn to him. He was the cool Uncle who the kids can attack on a whim and he just laughs at them. The day after the wedding all 4 of them jumped on him and he just stood up with them hanging off him. He is the real Hulk lol.

No matter the distance between if I need them they are always there for me and I them. I had the best time with them when they came for the wedding. All of my CT family loved them including my dad. Jeremiah really enjoyed hanging out with the boys and listening to my dad tell him some of his life stories. I do hate that we live so far apart but making the effort to go visit them as often as I can makes the distance enjoyable.

I have been working my butt off.....literally

So I went from Insanity which was extremely Intense to Focus T25.

I got the new workout think that Shaun T has nothing on me...I did 4 rounds of Insanity...each workout 45-60 minutes to Focus which is 25 minute workout....I mean come on how hard could this be.....well I was shown that it is just as difficult as Insanity.

Insanity was intense and some times I would burn out and not have correct form, there were times where I just didn't want to workout, and then there were times that I honestly didn't have the time to workout. See that workout would turn into a 1 1/2 workout because it was about an hour for each session then I would shower after so that ate up a lot of time. With Focus I am able to workout in 25 minutes then shower so I am now looking at about a 50 timeline.

I was working out right after work but now that I am going to be starting school + work + internship it all = to very little time to workout right after work. Originally I was going to workout right before work but most of the time I couldn't get out of bed or I wasn't getting sleep because of the dogs getting up all hours of the night. I realized I have no choice but to get up first thing in the am to workout so I have no excuse to not workout.

One thing that I have noticed is it is much harder to get up than I thought lol but also my body doesn't want to corporate. It is more of a challenge to workout first thing than in the afternoon. My muscles aren't use to being used like that so early in the am. I find I am working twice as hard to get the moves right because the muscles are so tight.

Even though I am working out every day (which I don't make excuses for anymore) I am not always eating clean. There are some days where I will have french fries at work or mozzarella sticks but I am not badgering myself anymore (thanks to my coach). She has taught me that if I eat clean 80% of the month then those days that I end up cheating I don't have to feel guilty anymore. I am worried however that I am going to stress eat once I start school and the internship because that is one of my flaws. I just have to take it one day at a time.

Good things come to those who wait

Holy smokes Batman........I got the Federal Probation Internship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After all this waiting......after all the stressing........I finally am getting closer to what I have been striving towards for so long. Its going to be a little crazy for a bit since I will still work full time, go to school full time, now the internship, plus still try to make time for the family. 

I have been trying to keep faith while I wait for the answer. If I didn't get this I was going to be devastated. There are 3 people who I look to for guidance and they are my Aunt Ditto, cousin Jason, and cousin Shane. They are not with us today but their spirit is still with us. My Aunt and I weren't close to the point that we talked all the time or say each other all the time but just before she was taken I had gone home to visit and was at my grammys when she called and we talked for an hour. She asked me about my kids and my life, told me how proud of me she was for the accomplishments I had made, and we had made plans to get together. However that would never happen because soon after she was taken from us. I still look to them for faith and guidance, especially when I feel like I am loosing myself. On my way to the internship interview a few weeks ago I asked for their guidance, asked them to help me calm down, asked them to help get this because I didn't have a plan if I didn't. I guess they heard me and believed in me. 

I don't necessarily believe in God completely but I believe in Karma and Faith. I believe if I keep Faith everything happens for a reason and if I have Karma I believe that I need to do things right or else Karma will come back to me. Jeremiah was the one who got me believing and thinking like this. We have been living by this for quite some time and things seem to always work themselves out.

I am excited to embark on this new journey and conquer it!!!!

~Happy Reading~

Christmas spirit

Normally I don't set up the tree until 5 days before Christmas and then take it down Christmas morning after the kids leave to their dads for the holidays. I don't like having the tree up because it clutters the living room. However we decided to set up all the decorations and the tree! I even started Christmas shopping well only for one kid because Logan has decided that he doesn't want any presents at our house but wants the money. This kid loves to hold on to his money, he has no interest of spending his money unless it is to buy football cards once a month and only one pack which cost him about $5. He gets allowance, birthday money, and his Christmas money.....Love that this kid can save his money, I am thinking that we should open him a savings account. Now if I could only get Lexi to do the same it would be perfect. She can't hold money at all, it is as if it burns a hole in her pocket, and when she does spend her money it is on silly things. When I was a kid my mom would give me money and then send me to the store to spend it. To this day each time that I start to save money something comes up, car needs to be fixed, kids field trips, always something.

So now I will need to plan out my Christmas vacation time.


~Happy reading~

The day of gluttony

We had such an amazing time his grandmothers house. This is the second time that we have gone there for a holiday. We had so many laughs, the food was amazing, and it was just an all around good time. Can't wait until next year when we have the kids.

I have been doing well with my workout (always in the beginning). I have been doing Focus T25 and it is awesome. It isn't as intense as Insanity and it is only 25 minutes 5 days a week and I am seeing the results already. My thighs, stomach, and my hips are all shrinking. My body always responds well in the beginning of working out but by week 5 I start to fail because I fall of the diet wagon. However my coach said something that has made me feel better, she said to follow a 80/20 rule. If I eat clean 80% of the month then those days that I start to gorge I don't have to feel bad. It is usually around my cycle is when I start to fall apart.

The only issue that I am having is sticking to getting up at 5:15am to workout instead of waiting until I get out of work which majority of the time I ran into issues because the kids would have something or I would have something that would prohibit me from staying on track.  Lately though I haven't been able to get up because we are waking up all hours of the night due to Jeremiah's back, the dogs, the cats, even my son who will have an occasional nightmare. I love that these workouts are just 25 minutes a day though. I was skeptical about it at first that there was no way that I would get the safe effect as the hour workouts but man let me tell you these workout get you the same results as an hour long workout. I just need to stay on track.

~Happy reading~

A memory that still haunts me to this very day

Today was a rough day for Jeremiah and myself. His grandfather is in the hospital in the ICU after his surgery didn't go too well. Jeremiah forewarned me what to expect walking in and I knew what to expect as I have been through this almost 20 years ago.

See I hate hospitals and I have a very good reason for it. I have been in the hospital several times in my childhood. When I was 4 I was pushed through a glass door and had to have several stitches, then when I was 9 I kicked glass and needed stitches in the ball of my foot which resulted in me kicked the nurses. But the real reason why I truly hate hospitals and why I am haunted by my memories is because of my mother.

When I was 15 I was playing outside next to our apartment and I see an ambulance rush down our dead end road turn around in the parking lot and speed off again. I found this rather peculiar since I have never witnessed ambulance and police cars come down our road. I decided to go and tell my mom about this. Now my mom was having some issues at the time but never shared them with me but we had moved her bed downstairs and to this day I never knew why she did that. I walk in calling my mom because I don't see here and I get to the stairs and she's standing at the top telling me she's having a heart attack and the 911 operator was on the phone. I run up the stairs and pick up the phone but no one is there, hang it up and run down to the other phone, again no one is there, by this point I am panicking because I have no idea what to do. I hear someone pounding on the door, I open it and these people come rushing in carrying all sorts of things, talking quickly, calling out orders that I can't comprehend, I am in shock.

My mother is laying on her completely white bed and the EMT sticks her in the arm with a needle. Blood squirts out and up into the air just like you see in the movies and now I am falling apart. I am helpless, no one acknowledges me, I don't know what to do. A gurney comes rushed by me, they put her on it and rush her out, I am still standing there clueless as they start cleaning up the medical equipment. Now someone comes to me and asks if I can call someone or need to go somewhere, I know I need to call my grandmother as she lived down the road.

I call her in a frantic not knowing how to explain or what I need to tell her. She tells me to run to her home as we need to go to the hospital.

I'm in a daze.

My grandmother drives us in her big yellow boat of a car to the hospital where we are meet by my sister and family. We take the whole visiting room. People calling family members, people crying, people praying, and I am just sitting there not knowing what is going to happen or what I need to do next. More importantly what is going to happen if she goes? What am I going to do? Fatherless and possibly motherless.

Minutes pass by......Hours pass by........finally we are allowed to go in. It is only my sister, grandmother, and myself. I don't know what to expect. No one prepped me for what I was about to see.

Words can not explain the way I felt when I walked into ICU...........there is my mother, my only parent for 15 years, the only person that I was to depend on.......hooked up to tubes...in her arms..... down her throat. Noises is all I hear...beeping....air pumping.....now my grandmother crying. My sister consoling her...and I am just standing there stuck to the floor not able to move.

I can't go to her. I can't hug her. I can't speak. I am numb

The one thing I knew was I couldn't lose my mom.
We are told we have to go because they didn't want us to excite her heart.

We walk back the the room.....the room where everyone is waiting for an answer....an update to what has happened. Everyone piles around my grandmother consoling her. My sister is now talking to someone but I can't see who or hear what is being said. I am numb

After some time my grandmother says it is time to leave. My first thought is leave where? Where am I suppose to go? She answers without a question that I am going to stay with her.

We go back to her home and I am asked to walk back to mine to get clothes and whatever I need.

I am alone....without thought.....I am numb as I walk

I get to the door and open it like I had many times before but upon entering I halt mid-step and am reminded of the scene that happened prior.

Her blood has stained her very white bedding....the scene replays in my mind over and over as I try to search for answers.

What is a heart attack? Why was she hooked up to tubes? Why couldn't she open her eyes? Is she going to leave me? I am numb

I walk up the stairs to my room like I had many times before but now I am haunted by that fearful look my mother had on her face. I am alone.

I grab what I need and walk alone back to my grandmothers. As I get to her door I pause unsure what to do. Do I knock or just walk in? This isn't my home. As familiar this place is, it is now haunted with a memory. I walk in. She has the couch set for me. As I put my stuff down she is pacing around while talking on the phone to someone about my mothers current state. This is not my home

I try to settle myself into the couch to sleep. I drift away with a numbing feeling.
I get up the next morning to go to school as my grandmother thinks that is what is best for me. I have to go back to that place I call home to shower and get my school stuff.

I walk back alone, I get to that all familiar door and pause again. Maybe just maybe it was all a dream. I go in and as I walk I see that very white blood stained bedding and as if on cue the clip replays again. I walk up the stairs to the shower and that reel keeps going as if it was intended to repeat itself over and over again. Again I am desperately trying to make sense of what happened.

I walk to school alone and numb unsure how the day is going to go. Maybe my grandmother will come and tell me she is fine and will be home today. The day passes with a blur. I walk back home alone and numb. I am determined to walk through the door and think that just maybe my grandmother just didn't have time to come get me. That is not the case.

I have to do something about this very white stained bedding. I call my grandmother and she cries because she didn't know that I had to see that. I am asked to bag it and bring it to her so she can clean it.  On cue that reel starts as I bag and stuff this bedding in there. It has now become real. It has been almost 24 hours and she isn't home. She may not ever come home. I will be alone forever.

I get back to my grandmothers and we head to the hospital. I am told that we will be going in again because it may do my mother some good for her to hear us. I panic, I know the scene from the day before will be the same, I am not strong enough to bear this. My grandmother insist. We walk through these unfamiliar bright white walls to her slot. I can't do it, I can't look at her, I can't speak. My grandmother walks over and I look up. I can't bear the sight and I finally break. I can't stop the pain that I am feeling, the hurt, the worry, the unanswered questions. I can't speak. I just cry and cry. I am in pain. I finally have a feeling.

Its the same routine the next day and the day after that. By day number 4 the tubes are out of her throat and she is awake. We walk through the doors and she sees us and begins to cry, I cry, we all cry. I am now having the feeling that she is going to make it and I won't be alone. By the next day she is coming around to her old self but something is off. I can see it when she looks at us. Then it happens...she is angry......she had a DNR. Wait come again?? Then my grandmother and her exchange some words and we're told to leave. I have this urgency to ask what does a DNR mean. I don't have to ask it is said to one of my other family members...A DNR means Do Not Resuscitate!!!

My mother is angry because no one followed her order to Not Resuscitate...wait she doesn't want to live....she's mad because she is alive at this very moment....what about me?

I see it more and more the next day how angry and distant she is. She is finally discharged after 6 days. Her very white bedding nice and clean back on her bed. The atmosphere has changed. I don't understand what is happening, I don't know what I am suppose to do, I don't know what I am suppose to say. I sit on the couch confused and pondering over what I should do. Is she mad at me? But I say nothing, I do nothing but sit and wait for a cue. She sleeps and I wait. Night comes quick and I eat while she sleeps. I shower while she sleeps. I go to bed while she sleeps. I wake the next morning hoping for some thing just uncertain of what I am waiting for, maybe some affection, maybe some answers, just some kind of cue. I get nothing. She's up when I eat, I get ready for school and still no words are exchanged. What did I do wrong? I can't comprehend why?

When I come home from school she is asleep. I go to my room and do my homework. When I come down to eat she is awake. I am hoping for some answers and finally she speaks to me. The words that are coming our of her mouth hold so much pain and anguish. I catch a sentence... She didn't want to live, she didn't want to live anymore, she lived all that she wanted to live. She down right hated everyone because she was alive. At the age of 15 do you know what it is like to have your mother angry because she is alive? I can't respond because I am numb

Days go by....weeks pass by........things are getting back to "normal"........except this empty feeling.

Eventually I just put a bandaid over it as she continues to live, as she continues to be there everyday.

 After this I didn't have the best relationship with my mother. I moved out at 16. Our mother daughter relationship was very rocky. I was pregnant at 18 and our relationship seemed that it was better than ever, I had Lexi at 19 and our relationship was amazing. She was loving, happy, and there for me. I then decided to move to CT at 20 and she wasn't happy but our relationship continued. Then some time later our relationship hit rock bottom but would bounce right back until March of 2012.
I do not have a relationship with my mother. I have not spoken to her since 2012. She does not want to speak to me, she does not want to mend our relationship.

So today walking back into that ICU I was brought back to that memory reel and I was hit with dread...sorrow.....anger.......broken hearted.

I hope he pulls through but I am not sure I can bear that sight again.