feeling like I was drowning in homework

It is only the second week!!
There should be any reason for this feeling it is usually in month 3 where I feel like this. Masters is much different than my undergrad. My masters is full of papers! What the heck is up with that.

I had to message my friend Kristin to ask her for advice on how she managed doing her masters, working, and trying to get her homework done on time. Her advice was time management, late nights, and just sucking it up and plow through it. Then my friend Julie asked how I was doing and she was given the same response and her advice was just as positive as Kristin's saying that I just need to realize that I will make it though and it will only be crazy like this for only a few weeks and I will be fine.

Thank goodness for my husband because without him our household would fall apart. It hasn't been cleaned in over a week but I can't stress about something like that when I can also have the kids help with that problem. The kids have been more accepting about going to Jeremiah for anything that they need. However with that said the only thing he needs to work on is cooking. His cooking stinks but maybe with some practice he will make it through. The kids can start helping him with that too.

My biggest problem is I like to have all of my homework done before Wednesday each week that way I can finish the discussions and start on the followings weeks homework or any research paper that is due. So on Tuesday when I spent about 2 hours on the introduction I was getting frustrated. The biggest issue was that I found out a position opened up with the Federal Probation office that I am interning for. I was so excited since I would finish my internship and hopefully get into a real position. There was a funny requirement that I wasn't sure how I could obtain, so yesterday at my swearing in ceremony I asked and found out that I have to intern for quite some time to gain the experience needed. Well that put a damper in my mood but at the same time it is for the best because I don't think I am ready for all of that. I want to be done with school when I start my career and if I have to wait another year then so be it as I will be finishing up my Masters.

This weekend is going to be full of starting my research paper and starting the reading for next week since I will have about 6 chapters to read. The great thing about my kids dads is that they are in their lives. I couldn't imagine what it would be like if their dads weren't. With the kids going to their fathers it helps me to get everything done with homework and have the "me" time that I need also.

I am beyond grateful for everyone who is cheering me on to get through this. I am grateful for my kids who understand that I have to get homework done. I am mostly grateful for my husband who is understanding to my needs and understanding of my mood swings that cause me to go crazy for a bit of time.

~Happy reading~

School has officially begun

Ugh there is a love hate relationship with school. I love being in school, learning, reading, and getting into discussions with others about criminal justice topics. On the flip side I hate the pressure of school. I don't like feeling like I am behind, that I haven't done everything correct, and research papers. I despise research papers that have a requirement to it. For instance I started at SNHU and the research requirement is to pick a topic around justice studies that impacts contemporary society. Huh?

The first topic I thought about was the Criminal Justice system but that is far to broad thankfully someone had posted about doing their paper about the 4th Amendment and I thought about doing mine on the 2nd Amendment but I don't want to give Adam Lanza any credit in my paper (piece of crap person) so I looked at further assignments and noticed that we will have a discussion on Legalizing Marijuana so I decided that was going to be my paper. This paper will be much different from any other paper I have written because it has to stick to federal/state statues, regulations, constitution requirements, and etc. Last year at Post University I wrote the most interesting paper about Asian Organized Crime. I got a 96 on that paper.

The best thing so far from what I have seen in the syllabus is there is no QUIZZES!!! Just a whole bunch of papers :( since its my grad degree I have to write longer papers. My first week I had short papers that were due, one thing I dislike about writing a paper is the introduction. I spend more time on the introduction than any other part of my paper. One thing I have learned is I need to do the cartwheel method to setting up my papers so that I am not grasping at things to write. I was ahead of the first week, I had all my reading done, discussions, and papers finished before class officially started. I wanted to do the same for next week which I will start my reading tomorrow.

One thing that I am anxious and excited for is to begin the internship. I get sworn in next week and I am anxious because I don't know what to expect. I already have the internship but this is something I have never done so I don't know what to expect. I just want to start the internship to get rid of my nerves.

This year is starting off to a great start despite others trying to continue their bs (as always). I just don't understand why people feel the need to continue to start crap whenever they feel like it. All I ever want is to live a peaceful life and not be bothered by other peoples crap. Another thing is I am so sick and tired of hearing people bitch day in and day out. They act like they know everything about about everything and no matter what you say they believe your wrong. Just because my thoughts and ideas are different doesn't mean that I am wrong and they are right, it just means my views differ from theirs. Honestly most think I am confrontational but really I'd rather not get into any drama unless they are doing something wrong to me or my family or friends, or I am just sick of hearing them and I will say something and put people in their place because I just can't listen to them anymore, and if that means I have no friends then so be it. So there is my rant for the day lol.

~Happy reading~

Saying Goodbye to 2013 and Hello to 2014

2013 was filed with joy, happiness, anger, and sadness. There were times I didn't know if I was coming or going. One thing I can say it was a year that will be unforgettable. It was the year of many first.

2013 started with school........ at Post University.
2013 started with wedding planning
2013 started with dress shopping and finding my dress
2013 was the year I graduated with my Bachelors degree
2013 was the year that I met my dad for the first time
2013 was the year that I got married (my first) to my best friend
2013 we had Thanksgiving at the grandparents for the first time
2013 we celebrated Christmas with the Brady's/Vold's for the first time
2013 was the year I was accepted into the Federal Probation internship
2013 was the year I signed up to begin my Masters degree

Now I begin 2014 with school at Southern New Hampshire University
2014 will start with an internship at the Federal Probation Office

I hope 2014 will be just as fantastic as 2013!!!!!!!!

Best Holiday Season Ever

This was the best holiday season that we have ever had!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been in the Christmas Spirit since the beginning of December. Which is extremely unusual. I usually dread the holidays because that means I have to go shopping with all these crazy people. I have tried the save through out the year and then things come up and I have to use that money. This year was different and I am not sure why I set up everything. Tomorrow will be spent taking everything down.

For Thanksgiving we went to the grandmothers and it was great to be around family. Christmas Eve we went to our annual Christmas eve party at our friends house to do the present swap and both kids participated in and they both got great gifts. Its great hanging out with our friends especially during the holiday. The Veneziano/Fotiathis always invite us to their gatherings regardless if it is a family gathering or a friends gathering. Today for Christmas we went to the Brady's because this was the first Christmas that we didn't plan to go anywhere or do anything, they graciously invited us to join them. At first we were a little unsure since we didn't know if we were going to the grandmothers again but didn't hear anything so we took them on their offer.

They had all the fixings and it was delicious. I tried 2 new treats that I have never had, tried my second wine that I actually like, and got to hear and throw out some dirty talk. I enjoy hanging with the Brady/Vold's because they always treat us more than just friends. They made sure we had everything for the wedding, took care of all the food, and just helped to make it a special day. Love my borrowed family!!!

 It was different to go to our borrowed families house instead of having it at our families house or going to my families house. It was such a great time to hang out with friends and hear them reminisce about their old school days. It reminded me of being home with my family in NY listening to them talk about their old days, or listening to my younger siblings talk about their childhood. This is the first time that I wasn't homesick for the holidays. It seems odd sometimes to me that I still get homesick when as of January 19th I will have lived in CT for 12 years. I think having my friends surround me helps with that. I hope that everyone of my friends and family had a great Christmas

One thing for sure is some how I need to find time to make it back home to NNY, to PA, and to VA. I just need to figure out how I plan on doing that while working, going to school, doing the internship, finding time for my family, finding time to hang with friends, and for Jeremiah.

There comes a point in time when I have to let go

It is hard coming to a realization that family members are becoming more of a stranger to me. There are times where I blame myself because I moved away almost 12 years ago but then I realize I can't blame myself since with todays technology it is extremely convent to keep in touch but as of late it seems that is just to much for people. Yet when I am around they seem to always have their phone in their hands but are too busy to answer me? I understand peoples lives are busy but you can always respond just to let me know that you got my message.

I can't force people to make me apart of their lives. I can't force people to tell me their life changing situations. I can't force people to let me know that they changed their phone number or have moved. I can't force people to not lie to me about whether they got my save the dates or wedding invitations. I can't make people answer my text when I message. I can change how it makes me feel. I can change my reaction to their surprise when I tell them how I feel. I can't make people make me apart of their lives. I will not just roll with the punches and allow this non-communication anymore.

It seems those who I was born and raised with are more of a stranger to me than my two younger siblings who I was kept from knowing for 28 years of my life. Is it so strange that my younger brother called me first to tell me that him and his gf were expecting before he told our younger sister and our father. It took me by surprise and it was heart warming to know that they thought to inform me first.

My little sister always informs me of the good and the bad of her relationship. She has called and asked me for advice. We are able to relate to one another than anyone else. The one thing that I love about her is she can take whatever I dish out at her and she can dish it right back. Every time we are together it is a great time. When I first met both my younger siblings they accepted me regardless of the outcome of the DNA test. My little sister didn't care what the results were she believed that we would be sisters no matter what. I think she secretly wanted a sister anyways lol. I however felt much different, if it came out that we weren't siblings how could I pretend that we were? She wouldn't listen and when the results came in all she said was "See told you so." When she met the kids for the first time all she did was hug them and tell them how much she loved them, they thought she was crazy haha. When our brother Stu walked in it seemed that he was a magnet and the kids were drawn to him. He was the cool Uncle who the kids can attack on a whim and he just laughs at them. The day after the wedding all 4 of them jumped on him and he just stood up with them hanging off him. He is the real Hulk lol.

No matter the distance between if I need them they are always there for me and I them. I had the best time with them when they came for the wedding. All of my CT family loved them including my dad. Jeremiah really enjoyed hanging out with the boys and listening to my dad tell him some of his life stories. I do hate that we live so far apart but making the effort to go visit them as often as I can makes the distance enjoyable.

I have been working my butt off.....literally

So I went from Insanity which was extremely Intense to Focus T25.

I got the new workout think that Shaun T has nothing on me...I did 4 rounds of Insanity...each workout 45-60 minutes to Focus which is 25 minute workout....I mean come on how hard could this be.....well I was shown that it is just as difficult as Insanity.

Insanity was intense and some times I would burn out and not have correct form, there were times where I just didn't want to workout, and then there were times that I honestly didn't have the time to workout. See that workout would turn into a 1 1/2 workout because it was about an hour for each session then I would shower after so that ate up a lot of time. With Focus I am able to workout in 25 minutes then shower so I am now looking at about a 50 timeline.

I was working out right after work but now that I am going to be starting school + work + internship it all = to very little time to workout right after work. Originally I was going to workout right before work but most of the time I couldn't get out of bed or I wasn't getting sleep because of the dogs getting up all hours of the night. I realized I have no choice but to get up first thing in the am to workout so I have no excuse to not workout.

One thing that I have noticed is it is much harder to get up than I thought lol but also my body doesn't want to corporate. It is more of a challenge to workout first thing than in the afternoon. My muscles aren't use to being used like that so early in the am. I find I am working twice as hard to get the moves right because the muscles are so tight.

Even though I am working out every day (which I don't make excuses for anymore) I am not always eating clean. There are some days where I will have french fries at work or mozzarella sticks but I am not badgering myself anymore (thanks to my coach). She has taught me that if I eat clean 80% of the month then those days that I end up cheating I don't have to feel guilty anymore. I am worried however that I am going to stress eat once I start school and the internship because that is one of my flaws. I just have to take it one day at a time.

Good things come to those who wait

Holy smokes Batman........I got the Federal Probation Internship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After all this waiting......after all the stressing........I finally am getting closer to what I have been striving towards for so long. Its going to be a little crazy for a bit since I will still work full time, go to school full time, now the internship, plus still try to make time for the family. 

I have been trying to keep faith while I wait for the answer. If I didn't get this I was going to be devastated. There are 3 people who I look to for guidance and they are my Aunt Ditto, cousin Jason, and cousin Shane. They are not with us today but their spirit is still with us. My Aunt and I weren't close to the point that we talked all the time or say each other all the time but just before she was taken I had gone home to visit and was at my grammys when she called and we talked for an hour. She asked me about my kids and my life, told me how proud of me she was for the accomplishments I had made, and we had made plans to get together. However that would never happen because soon after she was taken from us. I still look to them for faith and guidance, especially when I feel like I am loosing myself. On my way to the internship interview a few weeks ago I asked for their guidance, asked them to help me calm down, asked them to help get this because I didn't have a plan if I didn't. I guess they heard me and believed in me. 

I don't necessarily believe in God completely but I believe in Karma and Faith. I believe if I keep Faith everything happens for a reason and if I have Karma I believe that I need to do things right or else Karma will come back to me. Jeremiah was the one who got me believing and thinking like this. We have been living by this for quite some time and things seem to always work themselves out.

I am excited to embark on this new journey and conquer it!!!!

~Happy Reading~