Sunday, March 16, 2014

Fed up

I can only take being pushed away for so long. I know people deal with things differently than others however being avoided can only be taken for so long. I know when I am down I don't ignore my friends who reach out to see if I am okay.

I don't get how people can have a life changing event happen in their life and tell me long after the fact and then wonder why I get pissed off.

I'm sick of feeling guilty when I can't see family, yet no one goes out of their way to come see me. I've lived in CT for 12 years and very few family members came to our wedding let alone come visit but they have no problem driving past to go to neighboring states.

I hate not having family around when I need them, I hate being the last person to be informed of things or having to find out things through Facebook, I hate that the only way I talk to them is if I take the initiative to contact them. Fuck I have a busy life and yet I have no problem when someone messages me I message back.

It is getting to the point where I don't want to try anymore. It is evident that if I don't try then there is no communication. Why do I always have to feel guilty when I say I am fed up and I am not going to waste my time when they won't take the time to go out of their way to contact me?

I haven't spoken to my mother in 3 years. No by my doing. I have tried to reach out and connect with her but she refuses to speak to me. Yet I still feel a certain way when it isn't my doing.  How can a mother refuse to speak to her children? The answer is always it is the children's fault because they have done this or that to her, yet never what has been done. The reason we aren't talking is over something so freaking stupid, and yet I can't share anything that has happened in the past 3 years with the person who raised me. Graduating, getting married, kids

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Stand up and fight against bullying

I was requested to write a blog about my recent tattoo.

Everyone knows I love my tattoos and I am very proud of the ones I have regardless that some are messed up, it's the price you pay, one day the artist is on their game and the next they aren't. The one thing that always happen to me when getting ready to be tattooed is my anxiety skyrockets through the roof. I have yet to determine if it is anxiety or excitement. Both seem to be the same lol.

So this tattoo that I got was the My Little Pony in support of Michael Morones. Michael is an 11 year old boy who was bullied over brining in a My Little Pony to school. After being bullied he tried to commit suicide but was found and is now in recovery. I found out about this fundraiser through my friend. What better way to fund raise? I donate money and get a tattoo of my choice of a My Little Pony.

I have never jumped on the hottest tattoo of the week bandwagon but this I had to jump on. It is for a good cause and of coarse I couldn't pass up this opportunity to pay it forward. Honestly I would feel guilty for not joining in on the cause, to me that would be Karma for not attempting.

This cause and any other type of cause against bullying hits very close to home for me. I was (what was called in my day being picked on) teased for having hairy arms when I was in 6th grade which resulted in me shaving my arms daily (even to this day), I would get teased for always wearing jeans and t-shirts to school (this was something I couldn't change because I wasn't comfortable in dresses or getting dressed up), I was teased for always wearing my hair down but not done up (so I just always put in a pony-tail, which is the way my hair usually is during the summer). My nephew is gay and was tormented in school until he stuck up for himself but one of his friends wasn't so luck. I have known a few people who took their life because of their sexuality.

I am a type of person who is accepting of everyone regardless if they're orange, black, purple, or green, whether they like men or women, and whether they are rich or poor. I have experienced all walks of life and I have heard many stories of other's troubles. I didn't come from a wealthily family, I wasn't given a car, I wasn't supported in anything growing up, when I hit high school it went all down hill for me. I thought I was the shit and would purposely get myself into situations that I had no business in. I had seen people getting picked on and I would stick up for them, when my friends had problems with another person I would make it my business, and when things were done against me I didn't care if you were a male of female I stuck up for myself. Not everyone can be like that. Everyday people are put in situations and they don't know how to handle it. If a kid is being bullied what should they do? Everyone's answer is tell someone except it isn't that simple. Now here is where you will argue oh yes it is, tell the parents, tell the principle, tell someone will stop it. No, no it doesn't and no it won't. In many cases it only makes it worse. There are so many stories where the 8,9,14,16 year olds tell and all it does is add more fuel to the fire and cause more people to get involved in the torment. Many people are far too ignorant to see what is happening. Social media helps the culprits succeed in their torment. The schools not implementing a ZERO BULLYING TOLERANCE RULE to nip it in the butt without causing more harm.

If you have a child who has experienced being bullied you know what I am talking about. The child comes to you, you go to the school, the school brings in your child and questions them, the school bring in the bully and tells them that such and such told on you, the bully gets a warning, and the bully may let it cool for a little while yet meanwhile are plotting their next revenge, the bully gets others to join in, they go on social media to continue the torment, and when your child can't take it anymore they start saying they don't want to go to school and they spiral down into depression, all their friends distance themselves so they aren't a target, next thing you know your child is left alone with no support telling the parents you don't understand, and in the end they take their life. Your's may not go to that level but there are more and more and getting younger and younger who feel this is their last resort.

My daughter at one point was one of those kids who was bullied. She is a smart loving young girl who believes everyone is her friend and wants to be everyone's friend. Well that turned on her quick and she was being humiliated in front of her peers and her supposed friends were in on it. It was minor things but this is a young girl who is very emotional and it is easy to hurt her feelings. As a mother I was pissed, I called the school and spoke with the principle and let them know how unhappy I was that this was going on. In the end nothing was done but nothing more was done to her. However most kids are not as lucky and I know we will be in this position again in the future. No matter how many times I tell her to stick up for herself she has just begun letting her friends know how she is feeling when they do something to her. We discuss it most of the time before she goes off. We discuss the situation and ask her if what she felt was what she felt or is she just mad about something else. For instance she told a friend that she wasn't their friend anymore, no real reason except she was sick of them lying all the time about stupid things, she took it upon herself to handle it but when we found out how she went about doing it we told her she was in the wrong and she needed to apologize.

Logan found himself in a situation where he was called gay and told the kid to fuck off. You bet I got a call from the principle about it. I knew Logan was having problems on the bus with this kid but it wasn't an every day thing. I informed the principle of what had been going on and he pulled both kids in the office and told them if they continued they would be reprimanded and that was the end of it for the rest of the year. Again not everyone is lucking with it ending.

Michael Morones was an unfortunate victim to bullying over My Little Pony. At the age of 11 he tried to take his own life and has ended up with brain damage and in the hospital. Again not many kids are fortunate enough to be found before it was too late. In tribute to the fight against bullying I joined the fight and got my Pony. #standupandfightagainstbullying

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Do you have Faith?

I was recently asked if I believe in God

This is something I battle with often. My mother would try to shove religion down my throat for as long as I can remember which in turn shoved me away from religion. She would force me to go to mass and even would force me to watch mass on television. I hated it. I am an adhd kid who can not sit still and listen to someone talk for hours on end.

I don't know if I believe or don't believe in God. I don't go to church nor do I pray. I don't know if I believe in one person who created everything in a short period of time. I believe in evolution.

I am a very strong believer in Faith and Karma. I am more Buddhist than I believe in any other religion. I find when I have Faith and believe in Faith everything works out. I believe Everything Happens For A Reason and I can't control the outcomes. With that said I still stress over things that are out of my control.

When I feel the need to seek guidance I look to my Aunt and Cousins when I am in need because they were a physical form that I believe in. When I am in need of guidance I ask for help and odd as it may sound after I have asked for guidance the problem usually works out. Do I believe it is a coincidence? Maybe but it doesn't matter.

I have Karma and Faith tattooed on my forefingers to remind me when I am lost to not forget. I tend to forget sometimes. When I am lost and can't seem to find my way back I need a reminder that things will happen the way they are suppose to happen when it is suppose to happen.

Even thought I don't believe in any other religion I still partake in Lent, I like participating in Lent because it helps me to stay focused on things and change my way of thinking. I do wish sometimes it would happen more than just once a year. I know very contradicting but however it is what I believe in and I wouldn't tell anyone else what they believe in is wrong.

I believe in many things that religions deem against their religion. What type of religion should tell what every person should believe in and if they don't they are damned to hell? That is the problem in today's society. People want to believe and do things the way they want and society doesn't want that. Society and Religion want you to behave how they want you to, to keep you in check without making a ripple, and when you do make a ripple you are looked down on, disowned, and made a fool of. I don't believe in that, I believe everyone should believe in whatever they choose and do whatever they choose without fear of becoming an outcast.

My most recent problem is I need to focus on me and not everyone else. I put too much time into disapproving of other's life choices and take on the burden of watching it fall apart. I can't judge other peoples life choices because I don't approve of the way they are doing things. That isn't very Buddhist of me, I know. That is why I need to focus more on me and not other peoples lives. One thing Jeremiah and I realized is we both share the sense of strong friendships. Everyone of our friends can say that no matter what we are always there for them, whether it be for the need of just someones presence, emotional need, or a financial help. We will do whatever to help someone else out and we know the friends we have will do and have done the same for us regardless the distance between us.

I hit a very rough spot last week and my fiends were there for me emotionally and just for presence alone helped me through my struggle. One thing I live about several of my friends is when I am 100% in the wrong they have no fear in telling me. I have one who tells me to stop being a Diva. I have another who will have me come over for chili or just for a glass of wine. I have friends who make sure when I am down will take me out to eat just to get my mind off things. I have the friends who support me in every decision I make. Then I have the friend who want to always take me out for a congratulatory drink on my success. I <3 my friends, I would be lost without them! :) <3 <3

~Happy Reading~