Friday, November 29, 2013

The day of gluttony

We had such an amazing time his grandmothers house. This is the second time that we have gone there for a holiday. We had so many laughs, the food was amazing, and it was just an all around good time. Can't wait until next year when we have the kids.

I have been doing well with my workout (always in the beginning). I have been doing Focus T25 and it is awesome. It isn't as intense as Insanity and it is only 25 minutes 5 days a week and I am seeing the results already. My thighs, stomach, and my hips are all shrinking. My body always responds well in the beginning of working out but by week 5 I start to fail because I fall of the diet wagon. However my coach said something that has made me feel better, she said to follow a 80/20 rule. If I eat clean 80% of the month then those days that I start to gorge I don't have to feel bad. It is usually around my cycle is when I start to fall apart.

The only issue that I am having is sticking to getting up at 5:15am to workout instead of waiting until I get out of work which majority of the time I ran into issues because the kids would have something or I would have something that would prohibit me from staying on track.  Lately though I haven't been able to get up because we are waking up all hours of the night due to Jeremiah's back, the dogs, the cats, even my son who will have an occasional nightmare. I love that these workouts are just 25 minutes a day though. I was skeptical about it at first that there was no way that I would get the safe effect as the hour workouts but man let me tell you these workout get you the same results as an hour long workout. I just need to stay on track.

~Happy reading~

Saturday, November 23, 2013

A memory that still haunts me to this very day

Today was a rough day for Jeremiah and myself. His grandfather is in the hospital in the ICU after his surgery didn't go too well. Jeremiah forewarned me what to expect walking in and I knew what to expect as I have been through this almost 20 years ago.

See I hate hospitals and I have a very good reason for it. I have been in the hospital several times in my childhood. When I was 4 I was pushed through a glass door and had to have several stitches, then when I was 9 I kicked glass and needed stitches in the ball of my foot which resulted in me kicked the nurses. But the real reason why I truly hate hospitals and why I am haunted by my memories is because of my mother.

When I was 15 I was playing outside next to our apartment and I see an ambulance rush down our dead end road turn around in the parking lot and speed off again. I found this rather peculiar since I have never witnessed ambulance and police cars come down our road. I decided to go and tell my mom about this. Now my mom was having some issues at the time but never shared them with me but we had moved her bed downstairs and to this day I never knew why she did that. I walk in calling my mom because I don't see here and I get to the stairs and she's standing at the top telling me she's having a heart attack and the 911 operator was on the phone. I run up the stairs and pick up the phone but no one is there, hang it up and run down to the other phone, again no one is there, by this point I am panicking because I have no idea what to do. I hear someone pounding on the door, I open it and these people come rushing in carrying all sorts of things, talking quickly, calling out orders that I can't comprehend, I am in shock.

My mother is laying on her completely white bed and the EMT sticks her in the arm with a needle. Blood squirts out and up into the air just like you see in the movies and now I am falling apart. I am helpless, no one acknowledges me, I don't know what to do. A gurney comes rushed by me, they put her on it and rush her out, I am still standing there clueless as they start cleaning up the medical equipment. Now someone comes to me and asks if I can call someone or need to go somewhere, I know I need to call my grandmother as she lived down the road.

I call her in a frantic not knowing how to explain or what I need to tell her. She tells me to run to her home as we need to go to the hospital.

I'm in a daze.

My grandmother drives us in her big yellow boat of a car to the hospital where we are meet by my sister and family. We take the whole visiting room. People calling family members, people crying, people praying, and I am just sitting there not knowing what is going to happen or what I need to do next. More importantly what is going to happen if she goes? What am I going to do? Fatherless and possibly motherless.

Minutes pass by......Hours pass by........finally we are allowed to go in. It is only my sister, grandmother, and myself. I don't know what to expect. No one prepped me for what I was about to see.

Words can not explain the way I felt when I walked into ICU...........there is my mother, my only parent for 15 years, the only person that I was to depend on.......hooked up to her arms..... down her throat. Noises is all I hear...beeping....air my grandmother crying. My sister consoling her...and I am just standing there stuck to the floor not able to move.

I can't go to her. I can't hug her. I can't speak. I am numb

The one thing I knew was I couldn't lose my mom.
We are told we have to go because they didn't want us to excite her heart.

We walk back the the room.....the room where everyone is waiting for an update to what has happened. Everyone piles around my grandmother consoling her. My sister is now talking to someone but I can't see who or hear what is being said. I am numb

After some time my grandmother says it is time to leave. My first thought is leave where? Where am I suppose to go? She answers without a question that I am going to stay with her.

We go back to her home and I am asked to walk back to mine to get clothes and whatever I need.

I am alone....without thought.....I am numb as I walk

I get to the door and open it like I had many times before but upon entering I halt mid-step and am reminded of the scene that happened prior.

Her blood has stained her very white bedding....the scene replays in my mind over and over as I try to search for answers.

What is a heart attack? Why was she hooked up to tubes? Why couldn't she open her eyes? Is she going to leave me? I am numb

I walk up the stairs to my room like I had many times before but now I am haunted by that fearful look my mother had on her face. I am alone.

I grab what I need and walk alone back to my grandmothers. As I get to her door I pause unsure what to do. Do I knock or just walk in? This isn't my home. As familiar this place is, it is now haunted with a memory. I walk in. She has the couch set for me. As I put my stuff down she is pacing around while talking on the phone to someone about my mothers current state. This is not my home

I try to settle myself into the couch to sleep. I drift away with a numbing feeling.
I get up the next morning to go to school as my grandmother thinks that is what is best for me. I have to go back to that place I call home to shower and get my school stuff.

I walk back alone, I get to that all familiar door and pause again. Maybe just maybe it was all a dream. I go in and as I walk I see that very white blood stained bedding and as if on cue the clip replays again. I walk up the stairs to the shower and that reel keeps going as if it was intended to repeat itself over and over again. Again I am desperately trying to make sense of what happened.

I walk to school alone and numb unsure how the day is going to go. Maybe my grandmother will come and tell me she is fine and will be home today. The day passes with a blur. I walk back home alone and numb. I am determined to walk through the door and think that just maybe my grandmother just didn't have time to come get me. That is not the case.

I have to do something about this very white stained bedding. I call my grandmother and she cries because she didn't know that I had to see that. I am asked to bag it and bring it to her so she can clean it.  On cue that reel starts as I bag and stuff this bedding in there. It has now become real. It has been almost 24 hours and she isn't home. She may not ever come home. I will be alone forever.

I get back to my grandmothers and we head to the hospital. I am told that we will be going in again because it may do my mother some good for her to hear us. I panic, I know the scene from the day before will be the same, I am not strong enough to bear this. My grandmother insist. We walk through these unfamiliar bright white walls to her slot. I can't do it, I can't look at her, I can't speak. My grandmother walks over and I look up. I can't bear the sight and I finally break. I can't stop the pain that I am feeling, the hurt, the worry, the unanswered questions. I can't speak. I just cry and cry. I am in pain. I finally have a feeling.

Its the same routine the next day and the day after that. By day number 4 the tubes are out of her throat and she is awake. We walk through the doors and she sees us and begins to cry, I cry, we all cry. I am now having the feeling that she is going to make it and I won't be alone. By the next day she is coming around to her old self but something is off. I can see it when she looks at us. Then it happens...she is angry......she had a DNR. Wait come again?? Then my grandmother and her exchange some words and we're told to leave. I have this urgency to ask what does a DNR mean. I don't have to ask it is said to one of my other family members...A DNR means Do Not Resuscitate!!!

My mother is angry because no one followed her order to Not Resuscitate...wait she doesn't want to live....she's mad because she is alive at this very moment....what about me?

I see it more and more the next day how angry and distant she is. She is finally discharged after 6 days. Her very white bedding nice and clean back on her bed. The atmosphere has changed. I don't understand what is happening, I don't know what I am suppose to do, I don't know what I am suppose to say. I sit on the couch confused and pondering over what I should do. Is she mad at me? But I say nothing, I do nothing but sit and wait for a cue. She sleeps and I wait. Night comes quick and I eat while she sleeps. I shower while she sleeps. I go to bed while she sleeps. I wake the next morning hoping for some thing just uncertain of what I am waiting for, maybe some affection, maybe some answers, just some kind of cue. I get nothing. She's up when I eat, I get ready for school and still no words are exchanged. What did I do wrong? I can't comprehend why?

When I come home from school she is asleep. I go to my room and do my homework. When I come down to eat she is awake. I am hoping for some answers and finally she speaks to me. The words that are coming our of her mouth hold so much pain and anguish. I catch a sentence... She didn't want to live, she didn't want to live anymore, she lived all that she wanted to live. She down right hated everyone because she was alive. At the age of 15 do you know what it is like to have your mother angry because she is alive? I can't respond because I am numb

Days go by....weeks pass by........things are getting back to "normal"........except this empty feeling.

Eventually I just put a bandaid over it as she continues to live, as she continues to be there everyday.

 After this I didn't have the best relationship with my mother. I moved out at 16. Our mother daughter relationship was very rocky. I was pregnant at 18 and our relationship seemed that it was better than ever, I had Lexi at 19 and our relationship was amazing. She was loving, happy, and there for me. I then decided to move to CT at 20 and she wasn't happy but our relationship continued. Then some time later our relationship hit rock bottom but would bounce right back until March of 2012.
I do not have a relationship with my mother. I have not spoken to her since 2012. She does not want to speak to me, she does not want to mend our relationship.

So today walking back into that ICU I was brought back to that memory reel and I was hit with dread...sorrow.....anger.......broken hearted.

I hope he pulls through but I am not sure I can bear that sight again.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Letter to my husband

Dear Husband of mine,

When we met almost 7 years ago I never thought we would be where we are today a happily married couple. When we first met I wanted nothing to do with you. When the time came you let me in without holding a grudge. That first time we hung out we were all work friends but the way you smiled, laughed, and your eyes just captivated me. I wasn't looking to get into a relationship because my son's father and I were freshly sleeping in separate rooms. I already had enough on my plate but you some how made all that stress dissipate when we were together. You always made me feel like a princess when we were together which I never knew I wanted to be treated like that. You always have a way to lighten my mood and make me laugh. We have had our trials and tribulations and we have always come out on top.
Your a amazing, hardworking, dependable, intelligent man, and a great role model for the kids. You make me laugh all the time, you pick me up when I am down, you are my support beam for every decision made. I know that when I fall and hurt myself I can count on you to make fun of me because at the ripe age of 32 we know that I will continue to hurt myself because its inevitable. I will continue to love you until the end of my days. Your my security when I go to bed and my sunshine when I wake up. Knowing that I have you by my side makes me feel like we can conquer whatever life has in-store for us.

You are my everything.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

The waiting game

This week has been a bit nerve wracking for me.

As I had my internship interview earlier this week, Jeremiah left on work convention, and just trying to do everything by myself. So now the waiting game for an answer and for my hubby to come home.

I am thankful for the support from everyone. My husband is going to help me with dinner (let's hope we all survive it lol), my direct supervisor who has been the one to convince me to do this asap has my back 100%. To have this much support is humbling. I know I can juggle everything at once and it just feels good to know that I have people there to help me.

This is the second time that he has left for work and it leaves me strung out trying to get everything ready for the day. It's when he is gone it makes me appreciate him more than anything else. He does more than I realize and I miss him more and more. I love having a husband who treats me and the kids so well. Every couple of months we get to look forward to having a vacation from each other. Thanks to technology we get to FaceTime as it helps with my sadness over missing him.

I adore my husband, there isn't anything that he does that I don't like (well maybe when he picks his nose, or farts in my face, or when he sweats at night). I am happy that we waited so long to get married. I still don't know everything there is to know about him and I like it, I love hanging out with his friends and they reminisce about the old days, and I love hearing about his childhood stories. The best thing about our relationship is that we don't force it to work it just does, we still have our problems just like everyone else but its how we get over our arguments is what matters.

~Happy reading~

Friday, November 15, 2013

Turkey day diabolical

It comes to a surprise to me that Jeremiah asked me last night if we are going to go Black Friday Shopping. This coming from someone who can't stand loads of people. I avoid places like that because I wouldn't be able to handle that many people shoved into an area who are going frantic over materialistic items. Nope sorry that isn't for me. I don't judge those who do. But in all honesty how much of a deal are you getting?
You are driving place to place standing in long lines outside just to get in, then rush around to find those items, and then you stand at the cashier line for about 1-2 hours.
I would rather sit in our house with the wood stove going and be comfy.

There has been much controversy over the stores opening on Thanksgiving instead of Black Friday. I don't think it is right to force people to be open on Thanksgiving unless the company is going to pay double time to the employees who do want to work but for those who don't shouldn't be penalized. Yes there are people who don't have families and have no where to go and they may want to work to keep their minds off the holiday depression. I use to work at a residential facility that was open 365 days a year just because of a holiday didn't mean that they could shut down and the kids would watch themselves. I always opted to work Thanksgiving so that I could have Christmas off. Now I am happy to have both days off and given the opportunity to make the Turkey dinner and the boys watch football. This year the kids go to their dads but we will have our own Turkey dinner that weekend with the kids.

Now that I think about it I am not sure what our plans are for Turkey day anyways................

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

He's my rock and decision maker

I love having someone who is there for me every step of the way. He is always there for me when I am down, stressed, happy, and debating decisions.

So recently I finally was told I would have my internship interview coming up and I have been working my butt off for this. When I was going to Post I was misinformed about doing a internship. When I applied to do an internship I was told I didn't qualify since I already graduated, so I did the only logical thing to do......go back to school to get my masters.

This was something that I wasn't really planning on doing as of right now. I had looked into some Masters programs but nothing that was in my field so I was going to try another field but wasn't too keen on it. When I was told I needed to be an active student I did some searching and only found one school that has a Masters program in my I applied to the school program and finally got the opportunity for the interview.

As it would seem everything is falling into place...however when I was speaking to someone about the good news they informed me that the State probation is hiring.....I have been waiting for an opening for some are probably wondering what the issue is.....well here it goes
Where I am trying to get into to do my internship is with the Federal Probation office but the State Probation is hiring (finally!) I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Who is my one and only go to for decision husband

He is always good at helping me weigh the odds and never tells me I am stupid for making my decision. Here is the debacle....the application for state has to be in by Friday and my interview is on Monday..I have been fighting to get to this point and I wasn't sure what to do.

Do I apply to state?
Do I not apply to state and wait for the interview for the internship?
What happens if I don't get the internship?

So thanks to the hubby we decided that it would be best for me to continue on the path I was carving. I am staying with trying for the internship and if I don't get it then I will apply for the State probation internship.

I love him and love how we just work through everything and make decisions together.

Love ya babe

~Have a wonderful day~

Friday, November 8, 2013

Positive thoughts = Positive results

I am at my end with people and their negativity.

I live to have positivity daily in my life. I hate being negative because it ruins my day. I can't stand being around negative people because all they do is try to bring everyone else down around them.

Yes we all have our days when we are crabby and give off an attitude to everyone around them. We have all done it especially to those who we are around daily. I have had a bad day and come home and take it out on Jeremiah and the kids. However have you ever stopped and apologized for your action? It is hard for me to apologize when I am in the wrong however do others really deserve to be treated like they are a piece of gum that has been at the bottom of your shoe all day? No I am sorry but people don't have the right to belittle others for no reason.

Just before Aunt Flow comes to visit I feel like the girl from the exorcist with the spinning head and don't know if I am coming or going. This past month was very stressful, sometimes I felt like a robot just moving through the day to just come back to start it all over again. Once Aunt Flow finally arrives my brain clears and I am able to think clearly. Why is that? To this day can't I figure out why one minute I am fine and the next I am a screaming banshee stuffing my face with chips. Seriously once she comes it seems to click that ohhhh so thats why I was acting like the girl from Anger Management (watch clip to understand--->)

Now don't get me wrong there are some people who I am short with because I can't handle carrying on a conversation with them for more than 1 minute because in my mind I am screaming profanity. Should I pretend to like someone just because it will hurt their feelings if I don't? No sorry but I will not pretend nor kiss someone's ass.
Does it make me a terrible person because I can't pretend to like them? I don't think so, I don't know how to pretend.
I am cordial.

The one thing I can say that my mother said to me a 1000 times was "Treat people how you want to be treated" and to this day that is a moto I live with. If someone is giving me an attitude for no reason then I will give it right back.

Cashiers are the one who I catch doing it to me the most, I greet them when I come to their register with a smile, and I expect the same respect. Every one has to have a job in life and it doesn't matter if you work for McD's, Price Chopper, Applebees, Education, Health Care, Law Enforcement, or the Justice System, you are no better than the next person and just because you work at minimum wage job doesn't mean your beneath the person your waiting on. Just because you make more money than someone else or hold some type of authority, doesn't give you the right to hold your nose high in the air and be rude to others. Many of us have had to deal with this.

So the next time someone is rude to you for no reason just say "You don't have to be rude" and that should change things. Or it could go a completely different way lol.

~Happy Days~

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Gammer problems

So yesterday I played Call of Duty:Ghost for the first time and beat it in about 5 hours.
I was not happy about it. I want to put in a lot of woman hours into the campaign. There were way too many stories. If you don't know what I am referring to is, it would go through a clip before you play the mission and as soon as you finish the mission it would play another clip. Some of the missions were very short.

There were some cool missions like you get to use a dog to attack. There were quite a few missions of shooting underwater which you couldn't do before. Some missions seemed too easy, maybe I should change the hardness level from Regular and see how if the missions are more interesting.
There are some cool new modes that I haven't played yet. There is one that seems intriguing, you are now able to create your own squad. I am excited to try all the new mods and unlocking the perks. I am hoping to get Jeremiah to help me out.

Yes I love to play video games! Call of Duty is my favorite. There was one weekend that Jeremiah spent a whole weekend beating God of War. I love that Jeremiah and I will play video game together. That is one of our quality times. I foresee our weekend being spent by playing video games together.

I don't get mad at him for playing video games without me as long as he doesn't beat the game on me lol. The only thing that I do wish we had was another playstation downstairs in the living room so that when he is playing GTA5 I can play Call of Duty instead of waiting for him to get off to play. I hate GTA5 and it has nothing to do with the content it is just stupid in my opinion.

I don't have a single female friend who is into video games like me :(
Scratch that I have this one friend Aly who use to be into video games like me but then she went and had a baby and her gaming life is nonexistent. They all shake their heads at me when I spend my day in sweatpants playing video games. It's like an addiction when I get a game my mission is to spend the day beating it. I am excited for this weekend to have no kids and no plans except to clean the house and play video games.

~Have a great day~

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Guilty Conscience

I am one of those people who always have a guilty conscience about things I do.

For instance any time I indulge in candy (too much candy) I feel guilty for doing it
Eating a bag of chips, cheese-its, ice cream, anything in the junk food category
Eating pizza
Not working out
Spending too much money
Not wanting to do a damn thing except play my new Call of Duty:Ghost game
Not wanting to cook
Not wanting to clean
Would rather take a ride on my bike than workout
Buying myself something and not anyone else
Being rude for no reason
Yelling at my kids for some unknown reason
Not wanting to take the dogs for a hike when I can take the bike out
I even feel guilty for putting myself before the kids and Jeremiah
Wanting to shut myself in my bedroom and not be bothered

But when I do any of the above I feel guilty after doing them
I do the self hate
I beat myself down
Cause myself to hit a downward spiral of depression
Stress myself out because I dwell on all the wrong things that I have been doing

Yet I know eating that chip will cause me to continue to eat more because I don't make the conscience choice to make the first change. Instead of going for the snack cupboard, just making that choice to go to the fridge and get an fruit, veggies w/hummas, or even popcorn would make me not falter into that same evil pattern.

I know that eating that one unhealthy thing will cause me to continue to eat unhealthy and then I complain because I have gain 8 lbs since my wedding. I have to be that strict diet person who has to weigh themselves every day because that's how I know if I am doing everything right. I can't just have that one cheat day because when I have that craving before my cheat day comes I cave and then I have 2 cheat days. I can't have just a handful of chips because I don't have the willpower to just stop at that. I know how to lose the weight, eat right, and stick to my workout schedule but why is it I can't just stick with it long enough to hit my goal weight?

That my friends is the question I always ask myself.

I know what I need to do but yet I can't just do it to my goal weight. My first time doing Insanity I stuck with it, lost 30lbs and 4 inches of just my waist. I was determined to continue to lose. I switched up my workout, tried different workouts (Zumba, p90x, Jillian Michaels, Bob Harper, 3 more rounds of Insanity, alternating each workout different days) yet I still have been yo-you dieting for the past year.

Is it truly stress that when I feel like I am so completely wound up too thigh that my diet and workout is the first to go? Sometimes that is how I feel. Sticking with the same schedule day in and day out gets boring. I would rather take my bike out than workout and then I promise myself that the next day I will work out 2x as hard and then its another nice day and I call my friend Jamie and we take the bikes out for a ride.

Well my friends I am going to do this new workout program Focus T25. It is another line from
Shawn T (Insanity creator) however the workout is 25 minutes. There should be no excuse as to why I don't have the time to workout. It seems like a perfect plan and I know there are going to be times that I can't commit but I shouldn't let that be an excuse to continue to give up.

School is right around the corner so lets hope that I can continue to do it all! Thumbs up!!! :)

I mean who wouldn't want to change their schedule to ride these Bitches

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Halloween Shenanigans

This was the first time that I handed out candy instead of taking the kids trick-or-treating in over 12 years.

I had my daughter at a young age and couldn't afford to buy candy to give away for free. Then as she got older I took her out to get candy (of coarse I ate most of it lol). Then when my son was born I was taking 2 kids out (of coarse more candy for me).  Now fast forward to 2013 and I was gearing up to take the plunge of this new adventure.

Now that Lexi is older she is now venturing away and going with friends more and more. I never was allowed to do 98% of the stuff that she is allowed to do now. I was a very sheltered child, I walked to school and home and that was about it. I wasn't allowed to walk more than a block away from the house when I was her age. So this Halloween she went off with her friends and it was a bitter sweet moment for me. Jeremiah took Logan the Roman Gladiator to fight for his candy.

Now for my excitement.
I had my first guest and I was more excited to partake in this tradition than ever before. Then I started to notice my house was being passed up and that saddened me. Then I realized as my house is set back in from the road a little most people miss the house before they realize it.

A light bulb moment

I'll use Jeremiah's flood lights to light up the porch as an SOS please come and take this 10 lbs of candy off my hands. It worked for a whole 2 seconds as I couldn't get the stand to work and the lights to light. Good thing our friends the Mow's show up to help out this work light inclined person. As they show and help all seems to be perfect again....................for about 15 seconds........

As we congregate on the porch I smell a burning stench and thing to myself that it has to be the lights......but the smell is getting worse and worse and Duke comes running onto the porch drooling and brought the most retched stench with him........Fudge he just got sprayed!!!!!!!! Damn it!!

We run into the house and shut the dog outside. Damn it what are we going to do now?????

Well the only viable option is to wash Duke (of coarse this isn't my thought because all has gone to shit and I can't think because I have never been in this predicament before, good thing the Mow's know a thing or 2 haha) so we bring the soap and water outside and proceed to wash him.... all the mean while people are gaging over the stench and trick-or-treaters are now passing up the house, while watching, with the flood lights projecting the us on display.... and now we become the laughing stock for the entire neighborhood....

So now I get to feel bad because they don't want to leave me because they feel bad for me and now I got to feel horrible as the 4 kids they had with them are missing out on trick-or-treating. Now these are some true friends who put Duke before candy.

Now the deed is finished and off they go so now I believe that Halloween will commence again without issue........nope........ it now starts to rain and not a single soul is on the road.....DAMN IT!!!

I only went through 3/4 of 1 bowl.....was left with a full bowl that is now going straight to my ass. Good thing I will be starting up my diet on Monday.

A unforgettable Halloween