Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Faith in everything

I know when I am stressed out I have lost my Faith

Things were very stressful for me for the past few months. I started a new job the next day my job at the school ended, and I started a business. My new job is my stepping stone to get to where I want to be so I can have a career and be able to pay for my children's college when the time comes. Things got a little out of hand with school and the new job. I was covering someone else's hours as well as mine and missed an assignment and normally I would stress it and allow it to ruin my day but there was nothing I could do about it as it was over with. All I could do was make up the work.

We were faced with a decision recently and we tried to jump on it but I don't think Faith wants us to follow through with the decision. It made us depressed because it was what we had been longing for but it wasn't panning out. We know when the time is right everything works in our favors.

The new business is something I had wanted to do but allowed fear to lead me away from it. I decided a few months ago to make a decision to begin my business. The first month was a little hairy but it all worked out and it is successful at the moment. Then as the next month begins I am getting stressed that it isn't going to pan out.....and you know what I am okay with that because I need to make sure I allow Faith to lead my life and not my life lead faith. Recently a friend of mine posted something to my Facebook wall and it was inspiring and made me realize I had yet again allowed my life to lead faith and that is why I have been stressed.

Watch this link

The info to my new business is I am now a fitness motivator......soon to be a certified instructor.....however in the meantime I run free online fitness challenges with an incentive to win.
If interested in learning more sent me a message or follow me on any one of the social medias

Sunday, July 20, 2014

let me know if you've seen my lost mind

As always life is a bit hectic and there are times where I feel like I have lost all control and I am drowning in the chaos.

Here is an update

Finished my internship with the Federal Probation
Stated playing softball
Started a new job
Became a Beachbody Coach

Each time I say I won't take on anymore I add another onto my plate. School is killing me. I haven't been able to do anything, I don't hang out with friends, I hardly have any time with my family, and I have no time for myself. My days off are spent doing homework the entire time.

This is how bad it is
I forgot my husbands birthday.

.....well almost.....I was reminded by him 2 days before his birthday. I had planned nothing and bought him nothing.........I know I am a crappy wife lol.

Hey easy with the comments, I rectified it by having a small bbq with our friends...and Logan finally was able to see his baseball teammates. Logan tried to convince the boys that they want to spend the night and not go home....seriously lol

Each day I come home and say what have I gotten myself into.......oh I forgot the most important part. I haven't rode my bike for sheer enjoyment in.....shoot...... about 2 months......that's serious stuff hahaha

What keeps me going is in the end I know all this craziness will all be worth it in the end.

~Happy Reading~

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Everyone has that one type of friend

I love all of my friends that are in my life

One particular person in my life has been there for me for the past 6 years

I would call on her and talk to her about any argument I have with the hubby

And would you know she has never and I mean never taken my side on the arguments

She always tells me I am in the wrong and why I am in the wrong

And once I look back on the argument I find I am in the wrong 95% of the time

Our relationship is sort of funny because the way we connected was because I ruined and I mean ruined my hair and when I walked into work she demand I came to her house because she needed to fix it

It took over a year to fix the mess I called hair

Most people go to their hair stylist and tell them what they want and the stylist does as the client wants......not mine......mine tells me flat out no and does something else that I love more than my ideas

There have been times where I have convinced her to chop my hair and as soon as it happens no sooner do I leave I inform her to never....never...let me do that again

She protects my hair from myself

Happy Birthday to my therapist, financial advisor, hair stylist, relationship counselor, and one very very dear friend of mine

Friday, April 11, 2014

A little bit of change each day is okay

Life is full of obstacles and either you can choose to hurdle or you can stand there

I choose to hurdle as much as I need to get to where I want to be and once I am there I will continue to make new goals

There are many times when I just feel like stopping and not wanting to do any more hurdles because I feel like I have done enough however after reading this book called the Sight Edge I am learning I will never stop jumping the hoops because I will never be satisfied until I have completed my goals

I thought that once I would get to my career I would be done but then I realized I have life goals and I know each goal I make there will be challenges

I always thought I wasn't never the competitive type yet in reality the competition is myself and life

I know I am not at my goal weight and I know my poor diet choices are getting in the way however I have learned.....again thanks to the Slight is okay for those slip ups I just need to work twice as hard and not beat myself up

Lately I have been getting frustrated because I am writing more papers than I ever have in my undergrad but I can't continue to bitch about it I have to accept the challenge and push through while maintaining my goals

I am learning that I can't continue to allow others to defeat our purpose or bog us down with their problems anymore

Jeremiah and I can't continue to take everyone else's problems and try to fix it for them....

Our problems have never been just fixed by other people because when we are in trouble we fix the issue ourselves and sorry to say but other people need to grow up and accept their life challenge and handle it on their own without the help from us

Yes I have screwed up many times in my life and I have owned up to it
I am not perfect......far from it
I screw up my finances from time to time and yes Jeremiah has to bail me out however we are husband and wife and when we have money troubles we handle them we don't go running to someone else to bail us out
I know recently I have taken on more than I can chew but in the end I know it will work itself out

For the past week I have had a sinus thing going on which kept me from working out daily and at first I was beating myself up for it and thought if I just pushed through the infection I would be alright however one day when I tried I became lightheaded and felt so weak and that was when I realized I can't just push through there are just some illnesses that require rest and I have learned from the Slight Edge it is okay to accept change

At the end of the day I can lay down knowing I have done everything in my power for the day

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Fed up

I can only take being pushed away for so long. I know people deal with things differently than others however being avoided can only be taken for so long. I know when I am down I don't ignore my friends who reach out to see if I am okay.

I don't get how people can have a life changing event happen in their life and tell me long after the fact and then wonder why I get pissed off.

I'm sick of feeling guilty when I can't see family, yet no one goes out of their way to come see me. I've lived in CT for 12 years and very few family members came to our wedding let alone come visit but they have no problem driving past to go to neighboring states.

I hate not having family around when I need them, I hate being the last person to be informed of things or having to find out things through Facebook, I hate that the only way I talk to them is if I take the initiative to contact them. Fuck I have a busy life and yet I have no problem when someone messages me I message back.

It is getting to the point where I don't want to try anymore. It is evident that if I don't try then there is no communication. Why do I always have to feel guilty when I say I am fed up and I am not going to waste my time when they won't take the time to go out of their way to contact me?

I haven't spoken to my mother in 3 years. No by my doing. I have tried to reach out and connect with her but she refuses to speak to me. Yet I still feel a certain way when it isn't my doing.  How can a mother refuse to speak to her children? The answer is always it is the children's fault because they have done this or that to her, yet never what has been done. The reason we aren't talking is over something so freaking stupid, and yet I can't share anything that has happened in the past 3 years with the person who raised me. Graduating, getting married, kids

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Stand up and fight against bullying

I was requested to write a blog about my recent tattoo.

Everyone knows I love my tattoos and I am very proud of the ones I have regardless that some are messed up, it's the price you pay, one day the artist is on their game and the next they aren't. The one thing that always happen to me when getting ready to be tattooed is my anxiety skyrockets through the roof. I have yet to determine if it is anxiety or excitement. Both seem to be the same lol.

So this tattoo that I got was the My Little Pony in support of Michael Morones. Michael is an 11 year old boy who was bullied over brining in a My Little Pony to school. After being bullied he tried to commit suicide but was found and is now in recovery. I found out about this fundraiser through my friend. What better way to fund raise? I donate money and get a tattoo of my choice of a My Little Pony.

I have never jumped on the hottest tattoo of the week bandwagon but this I had to jump on. It is for a good cause and of coarse I couldn't pass up this opportunity to pay it forward. Honestly I would feel guilty for not joining in on the cause, to me that would be Karma for not attempting.

This cause and any other type of cause against bullying hits very close to home for me. I was (what was called in my day being picked on) teased for having hairy arms when I was in 6th grade which resulted in me shaving my arms daily (even to this day), I would get teased for always wearing jeans and t-shirts to school (this was something I couldn't change because I wasn't comfortable in dresses or getting dressed up), I was teased for always wearing my hair down but not done up (so I just always put in a pony-tail, which is the way my hair usually is during the summer). My nephew is gay and was tormented in school until he stuck up for himself but one of his friends wasn't so luck. I have known a few people who took their life because of their sexuality.

I am a type of person who is accepting of everyone regardless if they're orange, black, purple, or green, whether they like men or women, and whether they are rich or poor. I have experienced all walks of life and I have heard many stories of other's troubles. I didn't come from a wealthily family, I wasn't given a car, I wasn't supported in anything growing up, when I hit high school it went all down hill for me. I thought I was the shit and would purposely get myself into situations that I had no business in. I had seen people getting picked on and I would stick up for them, when my friends had problems with another person I would make it my business, and when things were done against me I didn't care if you were a male of female I stuck up for myself. Not everyone can be like that. Everyday people are put in situations and they don't know how to handle it. If a kid is being bullied what should they do? Everyone's answer is tell someone except it isn't that simple. Now here is where you will argue oh yes it is, tell the parents, tell the principle, tell someone will stop it. No, no it doesn't and no it won't. In many cases it only makes it worse. There are so many stories where the 8,9,14,16 year olds tell and all it does is add more fuel to the fire and cause more people to get involved in the torment. Many people are far too ignorant to see what is happening. Social media helps the culprits succeed in their torment. The schools not implementing a ZERO BULLYING TOLERANCE RULE to nip it in the butt without causing more harm.

If you have a child who has experienced being bullied you know what I am talking about. The child comes to you, you go to the school, the school brings in your child and questions them, the school bring in the bully and tells them that such and such told on you, the bully gets a warning, and the bully may let it cool for a little while yet meanwhile are plotting their next revenge, the bully gets others to join in, they go on social media to continue the torment, and when your child can't take it anymore they start saying they don't want to go to school and they spiral down into depression, all their friends distance themselves so they aren't a target, next thing you know your child is left alone with no support telling the parents you don't understand, and in the end they take their life. Your's may not go to that level but there are more and more and getting younger and younger who feel this is their last resort.

My daughter at one point was one of those kids who was bullied. She is a smart loving young girl who believes everyone is her friend and wants to be everyone's friend. Well that turned on her quick and she was being humiliated in front of her peers and her supposed friends were in on it. It was minor things but this is a young girl who is very emotional and it is easy to hurt her feelings. As a mother I was pissed, I called the school and spoke with the principle and let them know how unhappy I was that this was going on. In the end nothing was done but nothing more was done to her. However most kids are not as lucky and I know we will be in this position again in the future. No matter how many times I tell her to stick up for herself she has just begun letting her friends know how she is feeling when they do something to her. We discuss it most of the time before she goes off. We discuss the situation and ask her if what she felt was what she felt or is she just mad about something else. For instance she told a friend that she wasn't their friend anymore, no real reason except she was sick of them lying all the time about stupid things, she took it upon herself to handle it but when we found out how she went about doing it we told her she was in the wrong and she needed to apologize.

Logan found himself in a situation where he was called gay and told the kid to fuck off. You bet I got a call from the principle about it. I knew Logan was having problems on the bus with this kid but it wasn't an every day thing. I informed the principle of what had been going on and he pulled both kids in the office and told them if they continued they would be reprimanded and that was the end of it for the rest of the year. Again not everyone is lucking with it ending.

Michael Morones was an unfortunate victim to bullying over My Little Pony. At the age of 11 he tried to take his own life and has ended up with brain damage and in the hospital. Again not many kids are fortunate enough to be found before it was too late. In tribute to the fight against bullying I joined the fight and got my Pony. #standupandfightagainstbullying

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Do you have Faith?

I was recently asked if I believe in God

This is something I battle with often. My mother would try to shove religion down my throat for as long as I can remember which in turn shoved me away from religion. She would force me to go to mass and even would force me to watch mass on television. I hated it. I am an adhd kid who can not sit still and listen to someone talk for hours on end.

I don't know if I believe or don't believe in God. I don't go to church nor do I pray. I don't know if I believe in one person who created everything in a short period of time. I believe in evolution.

I am a very strong believer in Faith and Karma. I am more Buddhist than I believe in any other religion. I find when I have Faith and believe in Faith everything works out. I believe Everything Happens For A Reason and I can't control the outcomes. With that said I still stress over things that are out of my control.

When I feel the need to seek guidance I look to my Aunt and Cousins when I am in need because they were a physical form that I believe in. When I am in need of guidance I ask for help and odd as it may sound after I have asked for guidance the problem usually works out. Do I believe it is a coincidence? Maybe but it doesn't matter.

I have Karma and Faith tattooed on my forefingers to remind me when I am lost to not forget. I tend to forget sometimes. When I am lost and can't seem to find my way back I need a reminder that things will happen the way they are suppose to happen when it is suppose to happen.

Even thought I don't believe in any other religion I still partake in Lent, I like participating in Lent because it helps me to stay focused on things and change my way of thinking. I do wish sometimes it would happen more than just once a year. I know very contradicting but however it is what I believe in and I wouldn't tell anyone else what they believe in is wrong.

I believe in many things that religions deem against their religion. What type of religion should tell what every person should believe in and if they don't they are damned to hell? That is the problem in today's society. People want to believe and do things the way they want and society doesn't want that. Society and Religion want you to behave how they want you to, to keep you in check without making a ripple, and when you do make a ripple you are looked down on, disowned, and made a fool of. I don't believe in that, I believe everyone should believe in whatever they choose and do whatever they choose without fear of becoming an outcast.

My most recent problem is I need to focus on me and not everyone else. I put too much time into disapproving of other's life choices and take on the burden of watching it fall apart. I can't judge other peoples life choices because I don't approve of the way they are doing things. That isn't very Buddhist of me, I know. That is why I need to focus more on me and not other peoples lives. One thing Jeremiah and I realized is we both share the sense of strong friendships. Everyone of our friends can say that no matter what we are always there for them, whether it be for the need of just someones presence, emotional need, or a financial help. We will do whatever to help someone else out and we know the friends we have will do and have done the same for us regardless the distance between us.

I hit a very rough spot last week and my fiends were there for me emotionally and just for presence alone helped me through my struggle. One thing I live about several of my friends is when I am 100% in the wrong they have no fear in telling me. I have one who tells me to stop being a Diva. I have another who will have me come over for chili or just for a glass of wine. I have friends who make sure when I am down will take me out to eat just to get my mind off things. I have the friends who support me in every decision I make. Then I have the friend who want to always take me out for a congratulatory drink on my success. I <3 my friends, I would be lost without them! :) <3 <3

~Happy Reading~

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Life is just crazy

Things are just nuts and I am not sure how much more I can take.....I hate to dwell on all the nonsense however this is my only outlet. 

With school, kids, work, internship, life, family, car, and everything else there are times where I just don't want to continue this uphill battle any more. I am sick of always trying to get to where I want to be and still not succeeding. I don't have regrets but man do I wish I would of been smart enough to go through college and get a career earlier than this. I am just sick of feeling I am treading water and still not getting anywhere. I know eventually I will get there but I had a plan...the first time I have ever had a plan......and my plans have still fallen apart. 

My little sister was in a rough spot and there wasn't a damn thing I could do to help. I felt like a piece of crap because I couldn't help. I hate being in that position. I would give my last penny to anyone who needed it even if I needed it more. I hate watching others fall apart and there isn't a thing I could do to fix it or stop her pain. I hated it. Every day I would message her and her responses were had the feeling of depression. Every day waking up dreading the worst text or phone call imagined. 

I know there are people out there who's problems are worse than mine but for me and many others there is only so much one person can take. Not everyone has the support from friends or family needed to get through the tough times. I am grateful for every person in my life. Even today I had people messaging me letting me know if I need anything to message them while Jeremiah is away. 

I am grateful for this break with Jeremiah. With him laid off and me stressed out it causes problems. We argue more now than when he is working. One thing we never argue about is money because that is one thing that causes more problems. The main thing we argue about is how we parent the kids. That is something we are working on because I yell a lot and he is trying to help me with that. He has been getting the kids up for school, making me breakfast and lunch so I am not late for work, he helps the kids with homework, and has the kids go to him for any needs instead of coming to me when I am trying to get my homework done. 

The hardest thing right now is this stupid weather. I need sunshine and warmth at least then I will be able to go for a hike to clear my head. I love to be in the woods with the long as there are no ticks lol

~Happy Reading~

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

my mind is running in circles

There comes a point when I just want to throw in the towel
I am so negative, everything just seems to set me off
I don't want to be bothered by anyone or anything

There comes a point when I just want to run away
I get so tired of trying to get what I want
I don't want to continue the fight anymore

There comes a point when I wish all the drama would just disappear
I can't handle everything anymore
I don't want to continue to figure out how to make things work

There comes a point when I have to let go
I am sick of trying to make everyone else happy
I don't want to try anymore

There comes a point when I have to say enough is enough
I can't continue to walk the same path with no changes
I don't want to continue to feel guilty for things I can not change

When does it end?

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

My crazy life

I have been spending more time on homework than I have ever before.

I spent my entire weekend doing homework, including on Super Bowl Sunday. I don't like feeling like I have homework hanging over my head.

I have been stressed out to the max over homework. I spent the weekend writing a paper, since Monday was a snow day I was determined to plow through my last 6 pages to get that paper out of the way. All I have left is to proof read my paper.....or I can have the hubby read it for me.

Speaking of my favorite hubby he makes me breakfast for me every morning and if I am running late he will make my lunch. He still can't make dinner to save his life lol but at least he tries. He knows that when I am stressed out over school he will do everything in his power to alleviate the stress that I am under. If kids need to be picked up from school, Lexi needs to be taken to dance, or help with homework, Jeremiah is there to assist.

The one thing that I love about our relationship is that he is there for me when I am stressed out because of homework. There are time where we argue because I am stressed out but the best thing about our relationship is how we get over the argument. We are able to get past our argument quickly after the issue. One thing we don't argue about is money, however one thing that we always argue about is politics. I don't like arguing about politics because everyone has their opinion on the matter and no matter what you say they will uphold that opinion. So when the news is on and he starts yelling at the television I change the channel to VH1, since everyone loves music it makes the morning run smoothly and is calmer.

I freaking love Jeremiah. He completes me. Without him I would be lost, he is my soul mate and I am glad to have him in mine and the kids life.

7 years of love & almost 6 months of marriage

4-Ever & Always

Friday, January 17, 2014

feeling like I was drowning in homework

It is only the second week!!
There should be any reason for this feeling it is usually in month 3 where I feel like this. Masters is much different than my undergrad. My masters is full of papers! What the heck is up with that.

I had to message my friend Kristin to ask her for advice on how she managed doing her masters, working, and trying to get her homework done on time. Her advice was time management, late nights, and just sucking it up and plow through it. Then my friend Julie asked how I was doing and she was given the same response and her advice was just as positive as Kristin's saying that I just need to realize that I will make it though and it will only be crazy like this for only a few weeks and I will be fine.

Thank goodness for my husband because without him our household would fall apart. It hasn't been cleaned in over a week but I can't stress about something like that when I can also have the kids help with that problem. The kids have been more accepting about going to Jeremiah for anything that they need. However with that said the only thing he needs to work on is cooking. His cooking stinks but maybe with some practice he will make it through. The kids can start helping him with that too.

My biggest problem is I like to have all of my homework done before Wednesday each week that way I can finish the discussions and start on the followings weeks homework or any research paper that is due. So on Tuesday when I spent about 2 hours on the introduction I was getting frustrated. The biggest issue was that I found out a position opened up with the Federal Probation office that I am interning for. I was so excited since I would finish my internship and hopefully get into a real position. There was a funny requirement that I wasn't sure how I could obtain, so yesterday at my swearing in ceremony I asked and found out that I have to intern for quite some time to gain the experience needed. Well that put a damper in my mood but at the same time it is for the best because I don't think I am ready for all of that. I want to be done with school when I start my career and if I have to wait another year then so be it as I will be finishing up my Masters.

This weekend is going to be full of starting my research paper and starting the reading for next week since I will have about 6 chapters to read. The great thing about my kids dads is that they are in their lives. I couldn't imagine what it would be like if their dads weren't. With the kids going to their fathers it helps me to get everything done with homework and have the "me" time that I need also.

I am beyond grateful for everyone who is cheering me on to get through this. I am grateful for my kids who understand that I have to get homework done. I am mostly grateful for my husband who is understanding to my needs and understanding of my mood swings that cause me to go crazy for a bit of time.

~Happy reading~

Friday, January 10, 2014

School has officially begun

Ugh there is a love hate relationship with school. I love being in school, learning, reading, and getting into discussions with others about criminal justice topics. On the flip side I hate the pressure of school. I don't like feeling like I am behind, that I haven't done everything correct, and research papers. I despise research papers that have a requirement to it. For instance I started at SNHU and the research requirement is to pick a topic around justice studies that impacts contemporary society. Huh?

The first topic I thought about was the Criminal Justice system but that is far to broad thankfully someone had posted about doing their paper about the 4th Amendment and I thought about doing mine on the 2nd Amendment but I don't want to give Adam Lanza any credit in my paper (piece of crap person) so I looked at further assignments and noticed that we will have a discussion on Legalizing Marijuana so I decided that was going to be my paper. This paper will be much different from any other paper I have written because it has to stick to federal/state statues, regulations, constitution requirements, and etc. Last year at Post University I wrote the most interesting paper about Asian Organized Crime. I got a 96 on that paper.

The best thing so far from what I have seen in the syllabus is there is no QUIZZES!!! Just a whole bunch of papers :( since its my grad degree I have to write longer papers. My first week I had short papers that were due, one thing I dislike about writing a paper is the introduction. I spend more time on the introduction than any other part of my paper. One thing I have learned is I need to do the cartwheel method to setting up my papers so that I am not grasping at things to write. I was ahead of the first week, I had all my reading done, discussions, and papers finished before class officially started. I wanted to do the same for next week which I will start my reading tomorrow.

One thing that I am anxious and excited for is to begin the internship. I get sworn in next week and I am anxious because I don't know what to expect. I already have the internship but this is something I have never done so I don't know what to expect. I just want to start the internship to get rid of my nerves.

This year is starting off to a great start despite others trying to continue their bs (as always). I just don't understand why people feel the need to continue to start crap whenever they feel like it. All I ever want is to live a peaceful life and not be bothered by other peoples crap. Another thing is I am so sick and tired of hearing people bitch day in and day out. They act like they know everything about about everything and no matter what you say they believe your wrong. Just because my thoughts and ideas are different doesn't mean that I am wrong and they are right, it just means my views differ from theirs. Honestly most think I am confrontational but really I'd rather not get into any drama unless they are doing something wrong to me or my family or friends, or I am just sick of hearing them and I will say something and put people in their place because I just can't listen to them anymore, and if that means I have no friends then so be it. So there is my rant for the day lol.

~Happy reading~

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Saying Goodbye to 2013 and Hello to 2014

2013 was filed with joy, happiness, anger, and sadness. There were times I didn't know if I was coming or going. One thing I can say it was a year that will be unforgettable. It was the year of many first.

2013 started with school........ at Post University.
2013 started with wedding planning
2013 started with dress shopping and finding my dress
2013 was the year I graduated with my Bachelors degree
2013 was the year that I met my dad for the first time
2013 was the year that I got married (my first) to my best friend
2013 we had Thanksgiving at the grandparents for the first time
2013 we celebrated Christmas with the Brady's/Vold's for the first time
2013 was the year I was accepted into the Federal Probation internship
2013 was the year I signed up to begin my Masters degree

Now I begin 2014 with school at Southern New Hampshire University
2014 will start with an internship at the Federal Probation Office

I hope 2014 will be just as fantastic as 2013!!!!!!!!