Thursday, March 21, 2013

My oldest most beautiful princess turns 12!!


I was telling her last night how she started to come into the world. It's funny the things you can remember but you can never describe the pain that you go through. I love telling my kids about how thy came into the world and they love hearing about it.

I found out that I was pregnant with her when we were having a party at the house and I use to be able to drink without any issues well this particular night I took 1 shot and was done for the count. That has never happened. I knew something was wrong so the next morning I went out and took a test and sure enough it says I am going to be a mommy. Now let me stop there for a minute. See at this point in my life I was trying to get into the Navy because it was my ticket out of the dreadful place. All I had left was to take the physical in 2 months and I would be on my way...well that wasn't going to happen now.

I didn't want to be pregnant, I just finished High School and honestly thought I couldn't get pregnant because it wasn't happening in the almost 4 years that I had been with her father. Obviously I was wrong. Aside from telling Lexi's dad that we were going to have a baby I only told my sister. 1 week and I mean exactly 1 week later she comes knocking on my door, I open it to her telling me that she is pregnant too!! SAY WHAT?!?! We bot are pregnant? My first and her 3rd, oh man this is surely going to make our mom flip.

It was cool to be pregnant with my sister. We both liked food, we both liked to eat, and I was able to talk to her about what was happening and she would be able to tell me that it was normal. My mom loved her grandchildren and now that both her daughters were having children meant double the trouble of getting items lol. My mom bought double of everything. It was like we were having twins who were due within 5 days of each other.

Pregnancy.... I hated being pregnant! I didn't like having the cravings, not being able to sleep on my belly, not being able to tie my shoes, and couldn't fit into anything when I was the size of a house. I gained 75 lbs with her.

Now fast forward to my due date which was March 10th no baby....March 15th taking my Road test for my license while having contractions, still no baby.... March 21st go to the doctors to get hooked up for a stress test and what do you know...they say your going to have a baby go right now to the hospital. I leave the doctors office to go home and retrieve the baby bag, go tell Lexi's dad, and attempt to get my mom (she wasn't home), then off to the hospital I go.

Nothing is happening.......still a whole lot of nothing progressing

In NY they didn't have the epidural instead they gave the intrathecal shot that was similar to the epidural except it wasn't continually administering the drug, instead this was a one time shot and it could last anywhere from 20 minutes to 4 hours. Finally to sleep I go....only to wake up throwing up and broke my water.

They say it's time to push. They say push like you gotta poop. They say concentrate. How the hell do you concentrate with no mediation in your system and you feel like your insides are ripping out? I scream GIVE ME A C-SECTION.. They say NO...Bastards. 1 1/2 hours of pushing and I can't get her out and I am beyond tired, well she's stuck so they cut me and take her out because her heart rate stopped. They get her out and take her away. There was no special moment of her on my chest, there was no special moment of cutting the umbilical cord, not there was shear terror when NICU Doctors come rushing and and she isn't crying. I had seen enough Baby Story on TLC to know that she should be crying....Why isn't she crying I ask. No one will answer me.....Finally she starts whaling. Phew she is okay. She was 11 days late weighing 7 lbs 11 oz my little peanut.

Wow how time flies
From Left to right
She finally cries
Her first picture
At 1 month she ends up in the hospital for Rotovirus
The girls first easter
Lexi at 4 months getting her pictures done.
Center is her school pic from last year.
My mom holding her up to show how long she was lol
Another one of her pictures from when she was 4 months
My older brother meeting her for the first time
Her cousin Vivienne and Heather
Lexi a little over 2 laying with her brother
Lexi holding her brother
And the 2 of them together when she was almost 4 and he was a little over 1

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Time is a ticking

and I am certainly not getting any thinner when I am stuffing my face with chocolate. Damn it!

Where did all my will power go those 4 weeks of lent?

I started Monday in full diet mode and then I go into work today to find out that the students were appreciating the staff with mouth watering desserts. I mean how could I tell those students that I couldn't eat their appreciation? I did what any nice kind hearted teacher's assistant would do, I ate my freaking heart out!!

Then I am kicking myself in the ass afterwards.

But in all seriousness I need to get my ass into gear and lose this freaking weight. I did it before with Insanity when I lost 30 lbs and 4 inches and now I seem to be yo-yoing because of my uncontrollable eating habit.

I need to find my will power again and stick to my 5 lbs a month weight loss. It is doable if I just stick to NOT eating any crap!!

Well on the plus side it seems that my son's father and I were able to settle a new parenting time agreement outside of court for once in 7 year!! Say WHAT?? I know I surely thought it was a dream or Hell was definitely freezing over because this never has happened. All I ever wanted was to be friends without the drama. It is better for the children when everyone can get along. Lexi's dad and I have remained friends over the 12 year separation. Which our daughter will be 12 tomorrow!! 

Wow 12.... I remember at this very moment I was taking a bath because I was so uncomfortable not in pain yet but very uncomfortable. I'll hold all that explaining for tomorrow's blog about the birthday girl who is now a tween.

~Peace Out~

Sunday, March 17, 2013

All giddy like a fat kid in a candy store

It seems like things that are happening are another way of Faith showing how things are meant to be.

When I tell my story many people are amazed by the things I have been through and one of those things is how my younger sister found me through Facebook. 

I was raised by my mother with my older sister and older brother, never knew my father or that I had one for that matter. My older sister was the one to always be there for me when things went wrong with my mom. I moved out when I was 16....honestly to this day I am not sure if it was because I could or because my older siblings did it. Either way doesn't matter. When I found out that in order to become my own guardian I needed to be emancipated from my mother. I went to the Social Services building to find out how to do that and they left my file out on the table and went into another room. I noticed that it had my father's name and address on it. I was shocked that they would leave it there like that, so I quickly wrote the address down and left the building finding out that I couldn't do what I wanted to anyways. I still didn't return to my mothers but it didn't deter our relationship in fact in some ways it made it better. 

What do I do now that I have his address? Try to write a letter several times over until I finally had the courage to send it. Now to sit and wait.....

The letter I got in return was not what I expected. The first letter was from my grandmother (his mother) telling me that he no longer lived there, was married, and had 2 children. Huh. Never gave it a single though of the possibilities that I would have other siblings. Then comes the letter from my little 13 year old sister and several phone conversations. Until a few months later when I get a note from her mother requesting that I stop speaking with her and a letter from my father and that was the end of it all. I couldn't blame anyone nor could I be mad at anyone. I mean he had made another life for himself. Of coarse I was hurt and sometimes felt alone but I understood but hoped one day things would change......and it did.

3 Years ago this June will mark the first day of that change.

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a beautiful June day and Jeremiah and I are watching a movie together and I receive a Facebook message wondering if I am the lost sister that she use to talk to and write letters to and explained who she was and how she was married with1 1/2 children. In a instance everything changed from just one message. I stopped the movie and called her. I always hoped this would happen. We talked and laughed at everything that has happened in those past 11 years. 

Then came the first meeting in PA July 17th 2010

We had several phone conversations over this very short period of time but when it came to that day of meeting them for the first time at her baby shower was a completely different story. I went alone to meet them. I didn't know what to expect but what happened is nothing of what I expected. They both hugged me and welcomed me as if they have known me this entire time lol. 

Jill and I took a DNA test. I guess we will know for sure if we really were siblings. 

6 long weeks went by 
Jill and I still talked just about every day but I was growing more and more concerned about the what if it came back negative, then what was I going to do..............

Then it comes..........I sat waiting to open it.........I call Jill and then open the contents in the envelope......

83.3% chance that Jillian and Aislynn are half biological siblings........ WAIT HOLD UP LET ME READ THIS AGAIN........reread it again....and again....... and her response was "See told you."

So we are siblings.....he really is my dad.......what's next?

She says call him.....this never occurred to me..... 

What would I say? How is he going to react? What happens if he wants nothing to do with me? Could I handle that type of rejection?

Ah what do I have to lose right? He could accept me like they did or he could reject me and it would continue on as it had for 29 years.

I call him and it was again nothing like I expected. We talked for over an hour telling each other about our lives and have been ever since. 

Might be wondering why I am giddy...
Well as many know Jeremiah and I are getting married so we sent out several save the dates and I sent one to my dad. I didn't expect anything from it as I know how tough it is these days but I just wanted him to know that I was thinking of him. Well I texted him last night to see if he returned from his trip safely and he had. Now a few of the save the date's didn't make it to their destination so I asked if he had checked his mail recently and he said he will be coming to the wedding. My heart stops...

Oh snap did I read this right? I mean we haven't met. I hope he doesn't feel obligated to come. He says he's coming HOLY SHIT!! My Dad is going to be at the wedding (insert jump with fist pump) WOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

WOW I am filled with excitement. I have to give thanks to Faith for allowing me to have this opportunity that I have only dreamt about. I only wish that both of my parents could be there but my mother's health conditions prohibit her from traveling. 

I can't wait to be surrounded by my Family and Friends and marrying my One True Love with both of my children by our sides.

~Peace Out~

Friday, March 8, 2013

What to do when you have a friend who breaks up with their boyfriend just to hook back up days later?

We all have experienced this with our friends or ourself.

I have experienced it as the friend and the one who made their friends suffer through it too. I have been the one there for my friends when their man treats them badly and when they break up your the one the friend turns to and you say "Good for you, you don't need him anymore, you can do way better, never liked him anyways" don't those sound familiar. Yup because I have said those exact words before.

Then they get back together............................
Like what the heck is that about? Weren't you just bashing him saying that he was a no good loser?

Now your the no good friend that is trying to brainwash the girl friend. Now you watch as your pulls away from you more and more until they are non-existant.
You were best of friends, nothing could tear you apart, you were inseparable and now this..this is the one thing that tears you apart....a guy... Don't worry everyone has been there and gone through it at one point in your life.

So what do you do?
How do you fix it?
How can you take back everything you said when she was broken so that she is your friend again?

Nothing, usually once the damage is done there is no going back and fixing things again. Now your the one left hurt and broken, you still run into her every now and again but avoids is probably one of the most hurtful situations to be in.

The other way it can go is when it is the first time the break up happens and you still remain friends you  learn very quickly that there will be a next time and you learn to not say anything about him you just sit back and listen......don't say a word....let her vent and when they get back together again you just sit and wait for the next time to be there as the shoulder to cry on. At some point there will be a difficult decision to make and it will be "When will enough be enough, when will you stop being the shoulder to cry on?" That is a decision you will struggle with. Do you want to be the reason a friendship ends? Do you want to constantly be the one to lean on?

I have never ended a friendship over another guy. I have been the friend who was there saying that they could do better. I learned my lesson that very first time and when they broke up again I kept my mouth shut and ignored the drama that would fill up on Facebook or listening to others gossip about the break up. Too many people can't handle the truth when it comes to relationships and they sure as hell don't want to be the Fool who takes the dirtbag back....its what they do next that baffles me the most...THEY DEFEND HIM!! Then comes "Thanks guys for all the support but it was a misunderstanding..It's my fault not his... Sounds familiar????

I know it does because I have said those words to my friends and I have heard those words from my friends.

Now for those who are the ones that constantly break up with their bfs and then run to your friends and bitch about how horribly he treated you and then in the next breath your back with him again. Do you ever think how toxic that relationship is? Not only for you but for others around you when your posting it all over Facebook and calling all your gfs telling them that your done with his bs and you deserve better. Think of how many times you have done this.....think of those shoulder's you've cried on....all those people who stood beside you when he broke your heart...and then you run right back to him. I am no relationship expert however I an an expert in toxic relationships. I have traveled down that road and back. I had one friend in particular her name is Jamie, she was there for me when I was punched in the face by the one person who I thought truly loved me, she went to the hospital with me, was there with me when they thought my cheek bone was broken, and she brought me home and was there for me again. I was one of those people who went right back to him even after he threatened my life. It wasn't the first relationship that was toxic but it was the first relationship that I couldn't hide the toxic effects. She watched and shook her head at me while I continued down that horrible path, but I believed it would be wasn't. I used the same excuses that other girls do, "But he loves me, he is my baby's daddy and I can't leave him, He promised to never do it again, It was my fault." I have gone as far as lying to the police when they show up for a domestic disturbance calls. That's how twisted I was.
One thing I was great at was pushing buttons to the point that it would end in a fist fight. That is no excuse for the repercussions of my actions. No man should ever put their hands on a woman no matter how much you push them.

My advice is when you are in a toxic relationship it's okay to lean on others however there comes a point where you need to stop leaning on others bitching about how horrible your relationship is but yet you stay with them. You will find the right one when you leave the wrong one. I learned that when I was a single mother of two children. I honestly believed I was't meant to be with anyone, how could someone want to be with a single mother of two children. There are so many woman who believe the same as I did and let me tell you something..there is someone out there who will treat you do deserve can leave and be on your own. Being on your own is tough and scary, I did it when my daughter's father and I split. It was hard, especially when I had a 1 year old and working nights. I did it though and relied on no one to support me financially.

I have been through a lot and have struggled to get to where I am now. Now I am a strong woman, I will be graduating with my second degree in May while being a full time mommy and holding a full time job while going to school full time, and will be marrying my prince charming in August. Don't ever say you can't unless you've tried, don't say your life is tough because there is always someone else's life who is living a tougher life. Think about the choices you've made and the choice's you'll face because your the one who has to live with them.

~Peace Out~

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Friends that last a life time

High School was one of those times for me where I was friends with many different types of people. I had friends in lower grades, friends in higher grades, friends with the jocks, I was a cheerleader (for one season), friends with some of the geeks, and most of all friends with the bad ass kids. I loved High School I just didn't love the work that came with it.

I loved being able to see everyone and basically grow up with so many people through out the years of school. I still have this one friend who we were in the same classes all through out Elementary school, middle school, and some high school classes. The one class we had the most of was gym class with Mr. Taylor, he would constantly mix Stacey and I up every day and every year. Those were the good old days.

So back to friendships

I have friends whom I am still friends with today even after graduating in 2000 (yup do the math). I have so many friends that I keep in contact with through Facebook or text. There are quite a few friends that I still visit as much as I can. See I cherish friendship and they are the ones that I am forced to depend on when i am faced with tough times. I mean I even moved from NY to CT with my best friend, well he moved here first then I moved here. I have made many new friends while living here.
But the best is the couple that I have been friends with since high school and was there to witness him confessing his love for her for the first time. I was even suspended from school for fighting with this girl because she said I was not a good friend to Liz. However this chic deserved what was coming anyways because she was the girl who thought he shit don't stink and I was the type (still am) that would knock you off your pedestal. They have been together ever since and I had the pleasure to witness them getting married. There are the types of friends who planned their wedding around our vacation to Florida last year. That's true friendship. We lost touch for quite a while when I moved to CT but we are back in touch and I will keep it that way. They just had their 3rd child and I had the privilege to get the message about it along with waking up to a photo of the precious little man. She is such an awesome person that she will send me photos of the kiddos which means the world to me that she thinks of me. It means the world to me that they are going to attempt to make it to my wedding. She would be the one to travel the farthest away with 3 children just to attend and I am beyond grateful. Now that’s a best friend.

I have quite a few best friends all of which I make sure to see as often as I can. They are the ones who love me regardless of how foolish I act in public, how opinionated I am, and know that no matter what I am always truthful with them especially when they are stuck in life. That's a true friend.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Things are spectacular!!

I really mean it. 
We did have a little bump with Logan and a change in his med however he is doing much better and I think with his father calling him daily is helping with his mood. He loves his dad and for some reason he was believing that his father didn't care about him, having memories with him in the past, and is struggling with spending more time during the week days. I have explained to him that the summer will be different and he will be able to go every other week to his dads and that seems to make him feel better. So with his dad calling daily, his body adjusting, and reassuring him that everyone loves and cares about him is helping him through this bump all is turning out well with that.

Now about the wedding :)

Things are coming together as we have planned. We met with the DJ yesterday and we are pumped and believe we made the right choice. Pretty much everything is done except that I need to make the invitations but I still have some time yet for that. I am totally excited to finally be getting married! I never thought that I would be getting married. I never wanted to get married just because I seen my mother and my sister go through it and I just didn't want that. I thought I knew what love was, I spent 5 years with Lexi's dad and 4 1/2 years with Logan's dad and I really thought I loved them until I realized how unhealthy our relationships were. When I met Jeremiah I didn't want another relationship, I mean come on 2 failed relationships with baby daddies and now I then I was a single mom of 2 children obviously I wasn’t meant for successful relationships. But here we are 6 years later and still together and going to be getting married in less than 6 months!

I have found the ONE!!
I know that he is the one for me and the one I plan to be with for the rest of our lives. I love being with him, yes there are times where I beg him to leave so that I don't kill him lol. Of coarse our relationship isn't all rainbows and butterflies, our relationship is different from many others but we know how to work out our differences and fix them. I am a female and females are hard to live with we complicate everything, over analyze everything, and complain about everything. If you say you don't then that a foolish lie. I know I am not easy to live with but the two of us together is an amazing experience.

Seriously he is my everything
I never believed in sole mates until I met Jeremiah. He is quite the opposite of me in many ways. He calms me down when I am stressed out, he is there for me when I am sad, and the best of all he is there to make fun of me when I fall. It can't get any better than that. I couldn't live without him.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Co-Parenting is one of the hardest things to do

It isn't easy for anyone to have split parenting. 

It is 2x more difficult for a child to have to live between 2 households. Different rules, differently locations, different parenting styles, and when parent's don't get along they are left to suffer.
It isn't easy for anyone especially when the parent's don't get along but one thing I know is when a child is in need both parents are able to put all differences aside and make decisions that are in the best interest of the child. 
That seems to be what is happening now. It has been a long time since both of my kids’ dads and I have been in a relationship and it has been a roller coaster but it hasn't always been bad. Is it odd that I have only wanted to be friends with their fathers? I mean I became friends with them before we dated. Some people call me naive for wanting such things. However the goal is never unattainable.

There are many occasions that their fathers and I get along for the sake of the children and because it is easier to just get along than to fight about so many silly things. 
Don't get me wrong most of the time that we fight is because we believe that what we want for our child is the best decision for the child and no matter what the other says they are always right and this is where we butt heads every time. I just thought about it and I should be grateful that their fathers are very involved in their lives and I should be grateful that they want a relationship with our children, as many other children don't have that ability. I am grateful that they have their fathers, as I never knew mine. Now I am able to speak to him and know who he is but still haven't met him yet but that day is soon to come.

Today Logan's step-mom and I have been communicating more to relay what is going on with him and this med change. She has the experience with these med changes and has seen what her children have gone through. As we were talking she helped me to realize that her and Jeremiah have it rough, as they are the other co-parent who have the short end of the stick and have to endure the other end of the arguments. I can say that even though we don't see eye to eye I am glad that Logan's step-mom is in his life because she could have been the cruel ones who don't like their step-children. 

Both of my kid's dads lucked out with their wives. Lexi's step-mom is amazing as well.  She loves her as if she were her own. Which is very noble of her. In the end I know that we are all doing what is best for Logan and Lexi and both of my children are on the right track.

Well ta-ta for now off to finish getting the kids to bed.
~Peace Out~

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Its the end of a new beginning

Well yesterday was the end my undergrad degree. (Insert fist pump, and wahooooo)

Of coarse I have to wait until May to graduate but I am officially done. I knew the time was coming but it is sort of odd when school was my main priority. It is sort of weird for me to not have to worry about getting my homework done by Wednesday of every week, having to pick my research topic, writing that research paper, and all the hours spent doing homework. Now I am not sure what to do with myself.

I tried to get back into reading books more so I read Neferet's Curse, Gone Girl and the Silver lining playbook. Now I don't know what to read next. I like to read so I spend all my spare time reading rather than watching television. Logan has been all about reading as well, he purchased The Lost Hero's book and he has been choosing the book over video games, which is an odd thing since the kid lives for video games.

I usually prefer books about fantasy. You know the vampire love stories. Yes get your chuckle in lol. I did read the 50 Shades of Gray, read it 3 times. I have never reread any book but I had nothing else to read and didn't find anything and I did enjoy the series. So now I am back on the prowl to find a new book or series to read.

So now that school is done I have more time to do things with the kids. For a while I struggled with spending so much time on school and not being able to spend all my time with my family however I am a good mom and I explained to my children when I started school that I was going to have to spend a lot of time getting my homework done every week and when I was done I would be able to spend time with them. Logan always asked "Why are you going to school when your 30?" Like the many times before I have explained to him that I need to have a career since I didn't make the smart choice to do so when I was younger. I can't say that I don't like where I stand now in life but I am not where I want to be but my 5 year plan is on track.
I am very proud of myself for the goals that I have accomplished and very happy of the decisions that I have made along the way. I am the type of person who has no regrets in life and believes that everything happens for a reason.

With that said...Have a fantabulous day!!!
~Peace Out~