Saturday, November 23, 2013

A memory that still haunts me to this very day

Today was a rough day for Jeremiah and myself. His grandfather is in the hospital in the ICU after his surgery didn't go too well. Jeremiah forewarned me what to expect walking in and I knew what to expect as I have been through this almost 20 years ago.

See I hate hospitals and I have a very good reason for it. I have been in the hospital several times in my childhood. When I was 4 I was pushed through a glass door and had to have several stitches, then when I was 9 I kicked glass and needed stitches in the ball of my foot which resulted in me kicked the nurses. But the real reason why I truly hate hospitals and why I am haunted by my memories is because of my mother.

When I was 15 I was playing outside next to our apartment and I see an ambulance rush down our dead end road turn around in the parking lot and speed off again. I found this rather peculiar since I have never witnessed ambulance and police cars come down our road. I decided to go and tell my mom about this. Now my mom was having some issues at the time but never shared them with me but we had moved her bed downstairs and to this day I never knew why she did that. I walk in calling my mom because I don't see here and I get to the stairs and she's standing at the top telling me she's having a heart attack and the 911 operator was on the phone. I run up the stairs and pick up the phone but no one is there, hang it up and run down to the other phone, again no one is there, by this point I am panicking because I have no idea what to do. I hear someone pounding on the door, I open it and these people come rushing in carrying all sorts of things, talking quickly, calling out orders that I can't comprehend, I am in shock.

My mother is laying on her completely white bed and the EMT sticks her in the arm with a needle. Blood squirts out and up into the air just like you see in the movies and now I am falling apart. I am helpless, no one acknowledges me, I don't know what to do. A gurney comes rushed by me, they put her on it and rush her out, I am still standing there clueless as they start cleaning up the medical equipment. Now someone comes to me and asks if I can call someone or need to go somewhere, I know I need to call my grandmother as she lived down the road.

I call her in a frantic not knowing how to explain or what I need to tell her. She tells me to run to her home as we need to go to the hospital.

I'm in a daze.

My grandmother drives us in her big yellow boat of a car to the hospital where we are meet by my sister and family. We take the whole visiting room. People calling family members, people crying, people praying, and I am just sitting there not knowing what is going to happen or what I need to do next. More importantly what is going to happen if she goes? What am I going to do? Fatherless and possibly motherless.

Minutes pass by......Hours pass by........finally we are allowed to go in. It is only my sister, grandmother, and myself. I don't know what to expect. No one prepped me for what I was about to see.

Words can not explain the way I felt when I walked into ICU...........there is my mother, my only parent for 15 years, the only person that I was to depend on.......hooked up to her arms..... down her throat. Noises is all I hear...beeping....air my grandmother crying. My sister consoling her...and I am just standing there stuck to the floor not able to move.

I can't go to her. I can't hug her. I can't speak. I am numb

The one thing I knew was I couldn't lose my mom.
We are told we have to go because they didn't want us to excite her heart.

We walk back the the room.....the room where everyone is waiting for an update to what has happened. Everyone piles around my grandmother consoling her. My sister is now talking to someone but I can't see who or hear what is being said. I am numb

After some time my grandmother says it is time to leave. My first thought is leave where? Where am I suppose to go? She answers without a question that I am going to stay with her.

We go back to her home and I am asked to walk back to mine to get clothes and whatever I need.

I am alone....without thought.....I am numb as I walk

I get to the door and open it like I had many times before but upon entering I halt mid-step and am reminded of the scene that happened prior.

Her blood has stained her very white bedding....the scene replays in my mind over and over as I try to search for answers.

What is a heart attack? Why was she hooked up to tubes? Why couldn't she open her eyes? Is she going to leave me? I am numb

I walk up the stairs to my room like I had many times before but now I am haunted by that fearful look my mother had on her face. I am alone.

I grab what I need and walk alone back to my grandmothers. As I get to her door I pause unsure what to do. Do I knock or just walk in? This isn't my home. As familiar this place is, it is now haunted with a memory. I walk in. She has the couch set for me. As I put my stuff down she is pacing around while talking on the phone to someone about my mothers current state. This is not my home

I try to settle myself into the couch to sleep. I drift away with a numbing feeling.
I get up the next morning to go to school as my grandmother thinks that is what is best for me. I have to go back to that place I call home to shower and get my school stuff.

I walk back alone, I get to that all familiar door and pause again. Maybe just maybe it was all a dream. I go in and as I walk I see that very white blood stained bedding and as if on cue the clip replays again. I walk up the stairs to the shower and that reel keeps going as if it was intended to repeat itself over and over again. Again I am desperately trying to make sense of what happened.

I walk to school alone and numb unsure how the day is going to go. Maybe my grandmother will come and tell me she is fine and will be home today. The day passes with a blur. I walk back home alone and numb. I am determined to walk through the door and think that just maybe my grandmother just didn't have time to come get me. That is not the case.

I have to do something about this very white stained bedding. I call my grandmother and she cries because she didn't know that I had to see that. I am asked to bag it and bring it to her so she can clean it.  On cue that reel starts as I bag and stuff this bedding in there. It has now become real. It has been almost 24 hours and she isn't home. She may not ever come home. I will be alone forever.

I get back to my grandmothers and we head to the hospital. I am told that we will be going in again because it may do my mother some good for her to hear us. I panic, I know the scene from the day before will be the same, I am not strong enough to bear this. My grandmother insist. We walk through these unfamiliar bright white walls to her slot. I can't do it, I can't look at her, I can't speak. My grandmother walks over and I look up. I can't bear the sight and I finally break. I can't stop the pain that I am feeling, the hurt, the worry, the unanswered questions. I can't speak. I just cry and cry. I am in pain. I finally have a feeling.

Its the same routine the next day and the day after that. By day number 4 the tubes are out of her throat and she is awake. We walk through the doors and she sees us and begins to cry, I cry, we all cry. I am now having the feeling that she is going to make it and I won't be alone. By the next day she is coming around to her old self but something is off. I can see it when she looks at us. Then it happens...she is angry......she had a DNR. Wait come again?? Then my grandmother and her exchange some words and we're told to leave. I have this urgency to ask what does a DNR mean. I don't have to ask it is said to one of my other family members...A DNR means Do Not Resuscitate!!!

My mother is angry because no one followed her order to Not Resuscitate...wait she doesn't want to live....she's mad because she is alive at this very moment....what about me?

I see it more and more the next day how angry and distant she is. She is finally discharged after 6 days. Her very white bedding nice and clean back on her bed. The atmosphere has changed. I don't understand what is happening, I don't know what I am suppose to do, I don't know what I am suppose to say. I sit on the couch confused and pondering over what I should do. Is she mad at me? But I say nothing, I do nothing but sit and wait for a cue. She sleeps and I wait. Night comes quick and I eat while she sleeps. I shower while she sleeps. I go to bed while she sleeps. I wake the next morning hoping for some thing just uncertain of what I am waiting for, maybe some affection, maybe some answers, just some kind of cue. I get nothing. She's up when I eat, I get ready for school and still no words are exchanged. What did I do wrong? I can't comprehend why?

When I come home from school she is asleep. I go to my room and do my homework. When I come down to eat she is awake. I am hoping for some answers and finally she speaks to me. The words that are coming our of her mouth hold so much pain and anguish. I catch a sentence... She didn't want to live, she didn't want to live anymore, she lived all that she wanted to live. She down right hated everyone because she was alive. At the age of 15 do you know what it is like to have your mother angry because she is alive? I can't respond because I am numb

Days go by....weeks pass by........things are getting back to "normal"........except this empty feeling.

Eventually I just put a bandaid over it as she continues to live, as she continues to be there everyday.

 After this I didn't have the best relationship with my mother. I moved out at 16. Our mother daughter relationship was very rocky. I was pregnant at 18 and our relationship seemed that it was better than ever, I had Lexi at 19 and our relationship was amazing. She was loving, happy, and there for me. I then decided to move to CT at 20 and she wasn't happy but our relationship continued. Then some time later our relationship hit rock bottom but would bounce right back until March of 2012.
I do not have a relationship with my mother. I have not spoken to her since 2012. She does not want to speak to me, she does not want to mend our relationship.

So today walking back into that ICU I was brought back to that memory reel and I was hit with dread...sorrow.....anger.......broken hearted.

I hope he pulls through but I am not sure I can bear that sight again.

No comments:

Post a Comment