Thursday, November 29, 2012

I don't wanna get any older

Oh man I am at a loss for words today. A co-worker who I have been getting close with is in the hospital due to a stroke. She is too young to have to be dealing with this; I'd say she's 40. Lately it seems everyone or someone within their family is having some health issues. I have sent my prayers to her and hope that she is okay. My mom has had health issues since I was 9 but it was real bad when she was 45 and had her first heart attack. That was a scary day for me. I was 15 and an ambulance came flying down my road and turned around and left. So I went inside to tell my mom about the weirdness I'd seen but I couldn't find her. I started up the stairs and there she was gasping for air trying to tell me something. I bolted up the stairs and she says 911.. phone. I pick up the phone and I don't hear anything so I hang it up and run downstairs and get the other phone. Next thing I know they are banging on the door, as soon as I open the door they rush in and to my mother. Now I didn't know of anything about her health problems so this was new and terrifying at the same time. I didn't know what to do or how to react, it was as if everything was slow motion and I couldn't move and then they put an IV into her arm and blood shot up into the air and they all scrambled around put her on a stretcher and started taking her away and she told me to call my gram. So I call my grammy and tell her what happened she told me to get to her house and she would start making the phone calls. The next thing I know we are going to the hospital in my grandmothers yellow boat of a car.
Once at the hospital it was like a family reunion, everyone was there including my sister. We took up the entire large waiting room and the phone was ringing off the hook with updated reports to others all the mean while I still have no clue what is going on. I was seeing everything but I was in shock so I wasn't processing anything. After sometime we were allowed into the ICU and this is where I break down.
My mother was hooked up machines that pumped things into her arms and tube down her throat, machines beeping, and humming. I cried, my grandmother cried, and then I watched my sister break down (which never happens). Now my grandmother went into hyper mode and started planning what was going to happen with me since I was in school. No one knew if my mother was going to pull through or how long it was going to take. So from that point on I was to stay at my grandmothers.
The next day I went home to shower and seems the dried blood there and broke down again. See it was just my mother and I. My sister Jacie and brother Steve were out of the house by the time I was 9. She was the one who raised me and in my mind there was no one else. I finished getting ready for school and off I went. The entire day was a blur as well as the walk home. Everyday we went to the hospital to visit, the first few days she looked the same..lifeless. Then she came around and my gram brought me up, I was so delighted to see her awake without the tube down her throat. And once again I cried. But she was different.
They say when people have a near death experience they change.
She was so angry with everyone for the fact that they revived her when her heart stopped beating. Twice.
You have no idea what it feels like to know that your parent who has raised you for 15 years wants to leave this plain. That hurt me more than someone taking a branding iron and touching my skin with it.
After a week she came home but still wasn't the same. We moved her bed downstairs to make it easier for her because she couldn't talk too well on her own. She didn't talk much, didn't get up much, so I was alone.
Then came the catholic and night..
She eventually started to come around but the pain in my heart was still there and I will never be able to let that heal.
The sad part is that my mom and I are not on speaking terms. It's nothing unusual but it it is upsetting that I don't have the normal mother daughter relationship. I know no one is perfect but I have tried to work out the differences but it's not happening. It is what it is for now but I hope things will change.
So I don't want to get old. I would like to live forever or at least be one of those 90-year-old women who still go dancing.
So if you hear of any vampire serums let me know.

1. Obviously me as a baby
2. My Grammy and I
3. My mom and I
4. My older sister Jacie, older brother Steve, my mom, and I Halloween
5. My mom and my aunts
6. My mom when she worked for Olan Mills Photography
7. My Grammy, my mommy, and my niece Gabby
8. My mom and Lexi when she was about 6 months old

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