Saturday, November 3, 2012

odd frame of mind

Not sure why I am feeling the way that I am

Lately I have been thinking about the sense of the word family. Not sure if it is because of the holiday season or what. The word family means to me is...... well I guess it is being a part of a group that you share a blood bond with. Growing up as a kid I remember going to my grandmothers for holiday get togethers and to see family members that otherwise my mother secluded me from. I guess you could say I grew up an only child because my older siblings were much older than me. As I got older I hated that my siblings left me because I had no one to play with, talk to, or just hang out with. I remember my brother teaching me to ride my bike when I was 7 but by the age of 9 he was gone and it was just me and my mother. I remember my sister would have to babysit me and she would take me to her boyfriends house to go swimming and he use to make fun of me because I talked a lot. I use to get told they would put a muzzle on me if I didn't be quiet lol. Now that I think about it that was my socialization. I didn't have sleep overs unless it was my cousin Misty or Nicole but that was all dependent on whether my mom was fighting with them or not. I never really caught the family dynamics, never really understood the term family, just knew that there were these people who I called family members. Now that I am older I look at that so called family and realize how dysfunctional it is.

There is no conversing among one another unless you are put into the same area. No one goes out of their way to call and see how you are, just for no reason at all. I watch those family members on Facebook and think of when was the last time I spoke to them? Can I blame others when I am just as guilty? I don't go out of my way to contact them either. However the one thing that angers me is when I do contact them and I get a one word response and nothing else. Yup I got the message you don't want to talk. I try to remember what it was like before moving to CT and I realize I spoke and seen those family members more than before moving to CT. I know people have lives but is your life that busy that you can't hold a conversation texting? I am usually out of the drama that is within my family but there was a point where I became the focus over a posting that I had made on Facebook. How does 1 sentence cause so much destruction? Especially when that sentence wasn't directed at anyone specific? Well it did and it go so out of hand but how do you defend yourself when you don't live in that state where it is happening? How do you defend yourself when it is your word against theirs? Oh wait that's right I have the entire Facebook message to redeem myself but it seemed the damage was done and there was no reversing it. When there is already a disconnection between you and those that are being told that you are talking about how do you fix that? I guess I can't or wont because whats the point now when people will believe what they want because of the past history between you and them.

Many view me as an asshole, confrontation starter, bitch, or whatever they feel. I will say this until you have seen the things I have been through then don't judge me. I am the way I am because of those who caused or influenced this behavior. I come off those ways because I have too. I am an asshole because of allowing people into my life only to trample me later. I am a confrontation starter because I don't like those bad mouthing me when I don't deserve it and I have no problem confronting those who are. I am a bitch only after those who have trampled me caused me to be. I give everyone the fair chance to deem themselves worthy of my time. Those of our friends who have girlfriends or boyfriends I became have become friends with until they broke up but there are some that I have kept in touch with. I do love everyone, that was a problem when I was a kid, I thought everyone was my friend. When I was young I had many friends in school but it seemed that is where they remained. When I lived in an apartment complex Ontario Village there were a set of twin boys that lived below me and went to school with and we had a lot of fun playing, then there were these other boys Aubrey and Avery who were my best friends while we lived there until they moved away and then I had no one again. It was hard growing up having no one.

I guess the reason why I feel like I do is because I see what goes on through Facebook and think of what it would be like if I were still in NY but then quickly I realize I wouldn't be where I am today if I stayed. I love the life I live. Do I wish I had the sense of family? Absolutely!! I would have loved for my children to know my sisters, brothers, nieces, nephew, cousins, aunts, their grandmother, and my grammy. But I realize there really isn't much I can do to change that except visit when I can. Hopefully sometime soon.

                                                                 ~Peace Out~

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